Adverse reaction to house guest-DS 18 months

[joymaker]

A long standing friend who DP and I don't see very often (maybe every two to three months) came to visit us at home on Tuesday afternoon and I'm not sure why what happened happened.

Five minutes after our friend arrived DS woke from his nap. I took DS down stairs and as soon as he saw our friend he was unsettled and fast followed full blown crying, I had to take DS into a different room to calm him down it was so bad and resorted to putting Cbeebies on to distract him from his recent distress.

I had to spend most of the time in the living room with DS because the couple of times I took him back into the kitchen to see if I could get him used to my friend ended the same. After about 2hrs 30 min he was prepared to be in the same room with the visitor but didn't want to look at him unless he sung nursery rhymes. I just wanted my DS to be reassured that it was okay.

I'm not sure if we handled it all correctly and I found it very stressful because my DS is a very happy and social child ordinarily, with the confidence to approach adults and children at play groups.Although we tend to go to other peoples houses for play dates etc we have had friends come to ours and he has been fine.

Has anyone had a similar experience? I don't know why the friend being male could have anything to do with, it but could it be that?

Thanks (and sorry for the long post!)

My DCs sometimes get very upset and confused if they wake up from an afternoon nap and there's someone there who wasn't there before. I guess if you go to sleep in one situation and wake up in a different one it would be quite unsettling. Especially if maybe they had a nightmare or are feeling a bit poorly. So it may not have been your guest as such, just someone unusual's presence.

IMO a strange man, back in our very distant past, meant danger*, so your child's primitive reflex kicked in - crying, wanting to be close to you - were all strategies to keep himself safe

no need to worry, perfectly natural

*bonk father on the head, destroy cave, drag mother off to his gang, that kind of thing

Did your friend have anything about him physically that your child has never seen before like a moustache? That could set him off.

OP I have had this happen a few times with my DD, now 21 months, and also very happy and sociable normally! The first time she was probably a bit younger than your DS. I also found it very difficult, in fact I could have written your post pretty much word for word!!

I am with Alma though - I noticed a pattern - that it would happen if she woke up from a nap or was not feeling well (teething/cold etc) and there was an unexpected or not well known/often seen visitor. I think it's just unsettling for them. I find now at 21 mo I am able to prepare her for visitors/ show pictures etc if possible (good for us as lots of family abroad and infrequently visit but pressure sometimes for DD to be on great form!!) and she seems to find that easier. I would always say to the visitor not to take it personally, she's just a bit shy sometimes, off colour etc and that has usually helped. I find it very stressful too but honestly it sounds as if you dealt fine with it. I think it's important to just do what needs to be done to calm down the wee one and help them feel secure and reassured!

Waking up from a nap and finding someone you don't know in your house is unsettling - he will have picked up on your stress/anxiety about the situation too which will have made him stressed.

Thank you all so much for your replies.

Alma, yes, I think you're right. I definately should have waited until he was fully 'with us' before I took him down stairs, the fact that he wasn't must definately have been a contributory factor to him getting so distressed -I was looking forward to see my friend -such a silly oversight

53 and Rita it probably is something to do with self protection isn't it. I think he must have picked up something of my anxiety as DP and I were completely taken aback by the level of his distress (highly unusual). I thought them eventually being in the same room was a good idea, but afterwards thought maybe that was just forcing the issue(?)

Sand come to think of it our friend does have an American accent which is quite low in tone and loud at times!

surf thank you for sharing your experience I shall definately use your tip of making a point of explaining that we are going to have a visitor before the friend comes round (I do have pictures of most of my friends)

We were thinking of inviting the friend for christmas as he is not going home to america for christmas this year, now I'm having second thoughts. Maybe between now and then I will invite him over again (explaining to my DS before hand) hopefully all will be well, if not he won't be coming.

My DS is completely petrified of my best friend who also happens to be his godmother. It's awful. Everytime she comes over he howls for at least 30mins. It's only her he has a problem with and I can't work out why!

Aw hardboiledpossum I feel your pain. That must be terrible. How old is your DS? Maybe it's one of those things that will just change overnight so to speak.

My daughter used to do that with my brother.

I found that the best thing was to get her to play with her toys in the next room and then let her join in at her own pace. She would then gradually edge closer.

brettgirl2 good idea, I will do that the next time my friend comes to visit instead of trying to control/manage the situation