What has happened to my 2.5 yr old?

[walkbesideme]

she has gone from being a happy easy going child to a raving nightmare. Screaming tantrums (to the point of hysteria) at least once a day, incapable of sharing, everything is a battle - to get her nappy changed, into the bath, into bed, down for a nap, out of the car....

Is this really normal? She's becoming really anti-social and we can't take her anywhere. In fact, I'm a bit scared of the public tantrums. I know about the terrible twos, but this seems so extreme and I'm not sure I'm handling it very well. Should I shout back. Ignore. aaagh - struggling to keep my sanity.

Any advice/reassurance would be appreciated.

sounds average, maybe a bit more than some but I've seen worse! Buy Toddler Taming and best of luck!

Sounds like a pretty normal child!

Feel your way through it, figure out what works and pick your battles. Some children need a time out type place to calm down, others wil sit there singing songs and giggling. Some respond to feelings "throwing your new toy makes mummy upset", some laugh at you and tell you "you not cross mummy" and so on. Choices are good. Remember she is a little person with opinions and her opinions are the most important opinions in the world and nobody else counts. "Do you want the pink top or the stripy top today?, Shall we change your nappy upstairs or downstairs?, do you want a cheese toastie or a toasted cheese sandwich for lunch? Shall mummy lift you into the car or do you want to climb in yourself?"

Oh and she won't share. She doesn't know how, she is still getting to grips with ownership. At the moment she is an expert in "mine". Of course at groups and on playdates you will encourage sharing and if she snatches you will tell her to give it make and probably make her say sorry. That is how she will gradually learn that other people have feelings and she will learn about taking turns and sharing but it will take time.

Agree with Indith, choices are good - not more than two, though, or they get confused IME. My DD (same age) is a slightly less extreme version of this - a lot of the time she can be completely delightful, but there are lots of battles, too. I also try to leave plenty of time to do everything (not easy!), particularly getting dressed and eating, so that if she does want to run around the house naked for 10 minutes it can be a game not a fight!

Also, if possible I would suggest trying to pick your battles - for example, we don't even bother trying to get her to nap at home. She still does occasionally at nursery, and will usually sleep in the buggy or car if she's there at the right time. Otherwise it's just a slightly earlier bedtime and a bit of TV for an easy life if she's getting tired and fractious late afternoon.

I do try to stay calm as I'm really aware with my DD that shouting has no effect when she's tantrumming. I'd rather save it for when she's in danger so that if I shout 'no' when she's near a road she'll listen (if that makes sense). I try to make a game of it, or ignore. Sometimes I leave the room and tell her to come and get me when she's ready to get dressed, or whatever it is I want her to do. I find that works.

It's really tough, I know. There've been a couple of times in public when DD was so hysterical I really didn't know what to do with her. Sigh. This too shall pass

Sorry, Indith said pick your battles too - very wise!

It's all about control, I think. There is so little in a toddler's world that they can control; they are told where to go, what to do, told to share their things, etc., all the rebellion is about discovering their place in the world.

Teenagers do it too, I believe!

Thanks - it's reassuring to hear what you've written. It all makes sense - I like the idea of giving her some choices so she feels in control. I'll give that a go.

I'm quite non-confrontational so it's all out of my comfort zone but I know I need to remain calm, calm calm...

THanks again

Hi, just in case the giving options approach doesn't work (it didn't for us, sorry), a tip from our childminder really helped - she suggested 'cueing' everything we plan to do first. We tell DS we're going to change his nappy/go upstairs/whatever in a minute then let him carry on playing etc for a bit. Then we say it's time now, and repeat what we said. He still sometimes says no or gets a bit annoyed but it's miles better, and we just firmly repeat it. When you think about it from the kid's point of view, it probably does feel like they're having a happy little time then blooming Mum keeps insisting on doing all these boring things so at least if they know it's coming, they can get used to the idea.

Yes I agree with that, giving notice of events to come!

I think it is that transition from baby to person that is hard. Not just for them but for us. We are so used ot being able to scoop them up and stick them in the car or dress them whenever we like then all of a sudden they object . You have to give notice and set a time limit. "We need to go out to the shops soon so finish that tower and then we will put our shoes on." You can't expect them to drop everything instantly.

They are all so different though. Ds was a screaming type, he didn't talk very well and had frequent, full on meltdowns. I used to plop him on a big squishy chair and tell him to calm down. Once he had we could talk about it (in simple terms obviously). He is almost 5 now and teh same approach still works, he gets sent to his room to cool off and think about his behaviour then we talk about it when he is ready. I have frequently dragged him through the streets with him screaming "mummy let go you are hurting me let go mummy it hurts!" Ah the joys. Dd is completely different, she will be 3 next month and I find her pretty hard to handle. She needs to see the logic of something and want to do it so it is all about explaining, about making her want to do it. She usually responds quite well to feelings but lately when I tell her I am cross she giggles and tells me I'm not .

The problem with toddlers and preschoolers is they learn form us. Our behaviour needs to be saintly. If we shout when frustrated then they learn to shout. If we tug them away form their toys when trying to get them dressed/go out/to the table then they learn to grab our arms and tug us when they want something. We have to lead by example. Personally I'm a terrible example. I can hold it together for a few days and then it just slips. There is a very good book called "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" and it is pretty useful. It has nice little summaries at the end of chapters and when I've had a crap week and I know I've been shouting too much and dd is doing nothing but shout at me it is quite good to dip into, refresh my memory and collect myself for a new week.

this could be my DD. she has just turned two and literally overnight I cannot do anything with her. Dressing, feeding, washing -we have tantrums non stop. She is extremely articulate and talks very well but is not quite at the level yet where she would respond to being given choices, for instance....or where warning her in advance would be hugely helpful. Or perhaps I underestimate her. shouting definitely achieves the opposite - i raised my voice only once or twice when I was totally losing it with frustration or worry (she has monster tantrums about having to hold my hand crossing the road) and was punished by a vast increase in the decibels!!
I have no advice really but am reading all of this with massive interest. She is my second child but I feel worse than any novice parent - I am totally stumped as to what to do really.....Apart from pick my battles and ride it out. :)