what makes a lovely (and loved) 10yr old boy sad and angry all the time?

[timetosmile]

DS has had an awful few months. Flying off the handle at ridiculous things, shouting at rest of family, unhappy.
"I don't want to live here anymore", "I wish I didn't get so mad about stupid stuff", "Maybe I'd be better off going away and then the rest of you (us and other DCs)could have a happy life..."

To put it in context, he is yr 6 in a lovely class and just adores his teacher. He does well at school and no discipline problems apart from doodling in maths etc!

I've asked directly about bullying and he says not..quite mature..knows there are some kids who are 'a pain' but doesn't feel singled out or picked on.

I don't think going to High School next year is unduly worrying him as he has good mates in yr 7 and 8 already.

I think we have a good balance of just chillin' and clubs e.g. scouts, sports team, and we are a steady, settled family of mum, dad, three kids...bit like 'Outnumbered' at times but no 'issues'

His physical health is good, and as well as the moody, moochy times there are periods when he is the life and soul of the household.

Is it just 'age'? He feels acutely that he can't control his anger and he is really sad that he makes himself and us so upset.

Some of you must have been here before..what to do? Thanks

Wish i knew i what to do, my 11 yr old ds has moments like this and has been since he was 10ish. I'm putting it down to age and i have noticed that he his way more tearful and angry when he is tired.He is also extremely sensitive - as in caring,loving etc. I hope that as he gets older he will learn that little things don't matter as much as he thinks they do at the moment. Hope someone who is through the other side comes along soon.

Well, he is not sad and angry 'all the time' because you have said he is often the life and soul of the household. Plus he is doing well at school.

It's just that when he is angry it seems overwhelming.

Perhaps start by saying 'today was a good day. We mostly held it together.'

On a practical level, a punch bag might be a good investment. If he feels angry or cross he can remove himself from the situation and go and have a hit.

His self-awareness is a good thing - and the fact you can talk about it. But don't probe too much. Don't try and analyse it.

It's the old hippy adage of 'acknowledging his feelings.' Him - 'I wish I didn't get mad at stupid stuff.'
You - 'I can see it really makes you upset.'

I know it sounds trite, but sometimes it is too intense for everyone to try and analyse. You just have to hold on and ride it through. Accentuate the positives and all that.

It does seem to be a massively common problem in 10/11 year old boys. DS was truly horrible for much of his 9/10 yr - really cross and angry and seemed to have a self-destruct button. It was v painful. At 14 he is quite a delight. Sure, has his moments, but he has self-awareness coupled with maturity and is much happier. Exercise helps. Or a hot chocolate.

I think my DB was about that age when my dad gave him a hatchet and free rein on the big tree stump in the garden. Really. So I second the exercise / punchbag / normal part of growing up comments (and dread the day my beautiful sensitive 5 year old DS gets there...)

Thanks all, maybe he's normal-for-10?

Testosterone boost at this age, and onset of adolescence? I'd agree with Nightlark- give him a vent for the anger and accept it- we are not all perfect all the time, and being a ten year old in this day and age, with pressure coming from everywhere, is not easy.

I think it's a fairly common age for this kind of thing. The Yr6's are starting to get over the novelty of being the oldest in school and start to feel like very big fish in a very small pond. School is losing its cosiness and becoming a bit stifling. Then there's the inevitable dose of hormones and it can make even the most easygoing child moody and angry.

My 9 yo (10 in Jan) DS can be like this. Like you, I analyse his life and can't see the problem. I think maybe he is finding life in a relatively small village school a bit stifling. Which is an issue as he is only year 5 so not on the final stretch of primary school yet.

i posted on another vaguely similar thread yesterday, but i am having exactly the same issues with my 10 year old/yr 6 ds.... i don't have any answers at all but it's reassuring to know we're not the only ones, i could have written your post word for word

Hormones!

I have a 10yo ds like this too.

I have found keeping him active really helps. He now plays football twice a week and goes to other clubs too.

thanks all..just bumping in case the evening clientele have any pearls of wisdom....

I think this is really common in 10/11 yr olds. I have Yr 6 boy and he has these 'out of the blue' rages about what I think are little things. When they first started, I used to think he was joking and messing as they were so out of character.

But I try and see it in the same way I used to see my other child's toddler tantrums - his emotions get totally overwhelming and are beyond his control. So I, as the adult, have to be totally on top of it - I now click into mega patient but firm mode and stop whatever I'm doing to speak to him calmly and quietly and say 'I know this is making you upset, but it can be sorted out, it will be fine but you need to come and talk about it because shouting is horrid for us to hear and horrid for you to be doing'. or something like that!

I know it sounds really patronising but it works in that he gets attention which is what he needs, he gets clear boundaries in that I tell him he mustn't go on shouting and I help with whatever problem it is.

He had a rage tonight about his project homework and said his was rubbish and he was going to rip it up and fail etc. But whereas previously (before I realised he was serious and it was a kind of little cry for help) I would have half-listened and humoured him while getting on with emails/cooking tea, now I stop whatever I'm doing early on and listen to him and try and focus on his issue as massively important to him. I never minimise the issue like I used to as I've realised he really is genuinely upset. He responds to that well and doesn't reach fever pitch as much.

Think it is hormones and a need for attention. I remember being a muddle at that age.

Something I have done which helps me, is I found this gorgeous picture of him on my iPhone, throwing his head back laughing taken on holiday with his little brothers arm draped over his shoulders- I made it my iPhone screen. So I see it hundreds of times a day and it reminds me what a gorgeous boy he is!

I agree with others. If it is any consolation DS was like it at 10/11yrs and was then a lovely teenager.

Adolescence is looming, it will get easier and better.
We had this with DS now 17, it kicked in at about the age 11, on a good advise by my mum (to start treating him and validating him in more grown up way) did the trick, also some one to one time spent with him helped us great deal.
I stopped talking about school only, and started asking questions about his other interest(music, bands and all other staff he was interested at time)
he will be fine, these violent outbursts will subside, there is a lot going on in him physically and emotionally that he does not fully understand.
Just be there, he will sail it with ease, good luck.

I'm on my second 10yeqr old at the moment, and (what do I know) I think it's important to respectnhow the feel, but NOT to let them impact on other people. Lots of " I know that you're feeling angry, but I won't let you speak to grandma like that- you must say sorry." " I know you're feeling angry, but everyone else wants to watch Strictly. So you can either watch with us or go to your room"
Acknowledge their feelings, but insist on manners.

Absolutely agree seeker disrespect and foul language should not be tolerated, and hopefully it will diminish all together with the right approach, also important IME show no fear when you witness these outbursts, nor ask what is wrong, let him calm down, and then talk, all I can say good luck OP.

Thanks all.
Mint - I think you're right, he's genuinely upset about what I perceive to be 'minor' things, and it's easy to half-respond when he probably does need fuller attention.
SLM, we are strict about bad language and disrespect too.
He's a lot calmer when I don't rise to it and start screaming back (no surprise there...)
I'm slighly reassured that he dosen't have raging mental health problems and is just a raging normal 10 year old!

We had a lot of this with DS at the end of being 9... a bit early for all the hormonal rush but he was horrid. Things have settled now (age 10)... for the moment!

Only things I can say are:

• acknowledge his feelings
• don't expect him to being able to control himself immediately. eg " ican see you're really cross but I can't help you sort out your hw / find your / when you're this angry. Why don't you go to your room / play some Lego / sit on the sofa until you're feeling calmer. And then I'll help."
• give him some more personal responsibility - takes away the agro over getting certain things done and makes then feel, and then act more grown-up
• I also made an effort to spend more time with him, eg chatting at bed time, asking about lego / Airfix spitfires as i had been spending a lot of time with DD (6) who was having a really bad time at school.
• calm calm calm certainly helps, but is sometimes impossible so don't give yourself a really hard time. But it's interesting how sometime we can make excuses for ourselves when we lose it, but expect children to be able to manage their emotions!

My DH just keep repeating "Work in progress, work in progress!" to me whenever the children are a pain in the arse finding life challenging.

i have just read all the other messages and feel a bit better ! I have a 10 year old boy who is prone to extraordinarily nasty and vicious outbursts. The last being Saturday night when it took the smallest thing to set him off and he ripped apart his room - posters trashed etc etc. I feel if there had been another peron or animal in the room with him they would have suffered possibly. I take his outbursts personally and my husband seems to have a thicker skin than me. I agree that sport would be a good outlet but he is not good nor keen to take part. A punch bag sounds good but again is this really tackling the issue. He doesn't seem to have any good friends at school and is not invited on play dates and - yes he loves the routine of school etc - the holidays loom and he tends to "hide" behind the reality television shows and music videos and is loathe to do any thing. Believe you me I have tried and will keep trying. He doesn't seem to care about his poor perfomance in recent exams and has very low self esteem. I am clueless and wish I would help him to get over it - but the trouble is that -- and please don't think the worst of me (!) - but I find that I don't particuarly like my own child at them moment and it is this that makes it hard for me to want to do things for him etc.