Disaster playdates

[skewiff]

I need some advice on what to do ...

DS will be 5 in March. He had a difficult beginning to life, having mild cerebral palsy, and spent the first 3 years of his life doing endless therapies and not much socialising.

However he is a really really sociable little boy and loves playing with all sorts of children and can chat away very happily to adults.

DS is brilliant at playing with other children in the park, or round at their houses. But as soon as anyone comes to our house it turns in to the worst nightmare ever!

DS will not share any of his toys. If the other child picks up anything of his DS snatches it back and says 'that's mine, I'm playing with that'.

DS then teases the other child saying 'I've got it, I've got it'.

And everything turns into tears.

I try and talk to DS - he won't hear me. I try and take away the toy that is causing the problem, he clings on for dear life. Sometimes I manage to take the toy away - cue more tears and shouting. I say to DS 'X will have to leave if you don't share this toy' it makes no difference.

Afterwards I get very cross and explain why the whole situation was so awful and that DS will end up with no friends if he cannot share and if he teases.

I think I probably should have got something out, during the playdate, that both children could play with like a car map mat and cars ... Also I should probably have said that if DS did not play nicely I would take away his favourite toy.

I'm not very good at thinking on the spot in such awful moments though, that's why I forgot those strategies. Plus we haven't had anyone round for ages because DS has just started reception and is tired (he was really tired tonight and the other boy was being difficult too, but I don't feel that I can use these things as an excuse for DS anymore).

Sticker charts are not going to work as we use those for doing his physio exercises in the morning and he's a bit fed up with them.

DS probably sounds like a horrible little boy. Actually he is mostly really lovely. But having play dates at our house turn him into a mean little monster. I don't know whether I should continue with it - whether more practice will make him better at it. Or whether I should avoid having people round and just stick to neutral territory until he gets more mature to cope with it.

Is it normal for a child who is nearly 5 to be so bad at sharing his own toys?

I only have a 2y/o and a baby but from
My experience it's always worse on home turf.

You can make it easier:
Structure the play date- craft etc help
Ensure play date is when he's not too tired
Give snacks
Talk to him b4 play date and ask him which toys he wants to play with the other boy with and which he doesn't want to share. Then put away the ones he won't share.

Try this:

Ask him to pick out the toys he absolutely cannot bear to share, before the playdate is due to begin. Take those toys and put them away. Agree that the rest are for sharing.
If he kicks off, then the playdate must come to an abrupt end.

Make sure the other parent knows the score before they arrive, so they are not surprised if proceeding have to suddenly come to a halt.

You will only have to abandon ship once, or at the very most twice, before he gets the message,.

It's the perfect solution, as you are taking his feelings into account by storing his favouirite things away, and also clearly outlining your expectations of his behaviour during the playdate. Fair's fair.

I don't really like play dates at my house because one of mine is a bad sharer. Also they like getting out of the house so they can be a bit hacked off that they have to stay in. He doesn't sound mean at all.

These are the things I have found to help:
Put the toys he loves the most away in his room and don't make him share them.
Ask him to choose X number of toys which he will allow the other child to share.
Make sure the toys you put out to play are similar in 'value' e.g. two cars of similar size/flashing light and noise status, same number/size/quality of lego materials
Try swapping after a certain time (esp with a fun noise on a phone alarm)
Definitely agree with doing playdough / sand / painting task
Also a co-operative task may be appropriate at this age to help teach him to take turns, my 4 y o is just getting into dominos, building lego can be quite co-operative e.g. you build that wall x will build the back.

Playdates can also take place at the park

You are putting FAR too much pressure on him...telling him he won't have friends is not good. He's four....and four year olds vary a lot in their ability to play nicely with others...completely normal. My DD didn't even have one playdate till' she was 5 and a half or so....and only just ready in my opinion.

I think you probably need to stop the anxiety about socialising...it's all coming from you. He as you say, is fine on neutral ground and he's onlt 3 plus he has had a difficult start....he doesn't sound ready for playdates.

I have a box of 'sharing toys' which only comes out when there is a visiting child.I contains a box of toy cars[cheap ones but two of each],a couple of jigsaws,a big bag of wooden bricks[smallish with a range of shapes],a tea-set made of tin,some plastic cowboys and some farm animals[again 2 of each].My dgc know this box only comes out when we have visitors and they see it as a real treat.If they want to play with something different my rule is 'agree to share or wait till visitor has gone'.Even with the boys[2 and 5]and their friends the tea-set is popular .In addition I produce a pile of drawing paper, some felt-tips and crayons and some play dough.
I never force them to share real treasured possessions but I dont allow rudeness to guests ever.

Thank you for your suggestions.

They definitely will help.

I am putting a lot of pressure on DS and it is my anxiety, I know. Part of this is fuelled by a previous friendship that DS had with a boy at nursery. They were best best friends and they were fine at nursery but bad when playing at our house in particular. The mum was quite old fashioned. She got very tense when there were any disagreements and I started off very relaxed, but soon became tense and interfering too. She has since banned the two boys from meeting. DS is at school with her son and his old friend won't play with him anymore. I am as inexperienced as DS at all this play date stuff and so was paranoid that DS was terribly behaved because of this mum's reaction.

Can I just ask you, when your children have playdates at your own homes is it really peaceful and calm - I mean allowing for the noise and busyness of children - or is there usually arguing/ fighting and tears?

I am going to give it another try, but with all of the things you've suggested - and if it all falls to pieces again may wait until DS is a bit older - I just felt that by leaving it till he was older he'd lose out on practice, if that makes sense.

No it's not peaceful...one will come to me...either my DD or the child who is visiting...and say "She won't let me play wear the costume!" and "I'm bored!" and "She says she's not my friend anymore!"

It levels out when they get to about 6 or 7 and then they just play...this is why playdates too young are a pain. Don't worry...oh...and they change "best friends" quite often in the early years!

Usually tears at some point when there's more than 1 friend

OK. Thank you.

Do you think its Ok to not bother much with the playdate thing then? We live out of catchment and quite a long way from the school so its a real trek for people to get to us after school - this is another reason why I felt so bad for the other mother yesterday.

I have felt that I should do playdates so that DS is not left out of friendship groups that form so early on.

But looking at yesterday - that experience is more likely to work against DS than for him.

So do you think its OK to not bother and just stick to letting the children play together for half an hour in the playground after school?

Sorry for asking such simplistic questions. I really feel like I am lost at sea with all of this.

We live outside catchment and it's fine...they make friends with who they want either way....especially once they get to 6 or 7...no amount of Mummy-Management can influence them then. Can you get him into Beavers near to school?

I do thnk it is fine to let them just play togther after school....or not....I was stressy about all this when DD1 was younger but not so much now I have seen that they choose their own friends so much mmore as they move up through the school.

pranma,your idea about the box of "sharing toys" is brilliant.

OK - thank you mumbling - I feel better about it now x

My suggestion is exactly as Pictish said - but Pictish said it so much better than I would have done!

i would really really give it a break and try hosting at your houses again in a few months but for now he is not enjoying it and I wouldnt' put him under the stress - defeats the object! I think playing on a neutral territory is an ideal solution for a while. When my DD was at this stage, not that long ago, i knew that even if we talked about it, removed the toys she didnt want to share, etc....., she would still find the whole experience quite stressful. I think the time comes when they are more ready - now, just a few months on, DD derives huge pleasure from sharing, letting them have a first go "because X is a guest" and giving them little presents when they leave. I think playdates are great for helping them form friendships, but I strongly believe they shouldn't be forced on them like some kind of nasty tasting medicine "because it's good for them" - they should also be enjoyed.
And if you are worried about not returning people's hospitality there is loads you can do outside your home - just take the kids out somewhere, treat them, whatever!

I wasn't forcing the playdate on DS, he wanted his friend over because we had been to the friend's house. However after this experience he will probably not be so keen in future, so I am going to give it a break and just stick to neutral territory for a while.

Thank you everyone x