Am I playing with my 11 month DS enough? (PFB alert)

[gobblygook]

For some reason, I have a fairly permanent pervasive guilt that I don't play with my 11 month DS enough. Or that I should be regularly replacing his toys...

I don't know where it comes from, or if it's accurate: we spend a lot of one on one time; I work part time but from home so I even see him when I'm working as a childcarer comes here.

Around working, I'm always doing things with him - seeing people with other babies, groups etc.

And I do get down and play with him a lot - but I also do other things like cook etc. When i do that, I just feel guilty - he's generally a very happy baby, who plays and yelps and crawls around. But sometimes he'll just sit there and suck his thumb looking at/for me and I feel horribly guilty.

Throw into the pot that he'll be an only child (maybe this is the guilt) and I weird myself out.

Anyway - just wondered if this was a natural feeling or way of doing things

yep its totally natural/ normal im exactly the same with my dd (well was) ive got a little bit better recently but she is an only child aswell. I always feel bad when im tidying up etc and shes just following me around. What else are you supposed to do though? things need doing! As long as your spending whatever time you can with them and making sure they know they are loved theres not much else you can do. I think your doing just fine ! (o:

Hello - I think you're doing just fine . Remember that your ds will learn loads just by watching you and understanding more about family routines and the activities you enjoy. He's also learning to entertain himself. If you were to play with him all the time, it would be too intense and he'd never learn how to cope with playing independently. When you are playing with him, I'd recommend some specific child-led time where you focus on letting him just choose his own activities and you comment on what he's doing and praise him.

I had this kind of wobble with DS1, but he's fine and he's 2.7 now and brilliant at playing with me or on his own or with others. :)
What helped me was knowing that everything is new and a game to them at that age (they don't know that washing, cooking, etc isn't a game) and that you can involve them to a certain extent in your house jobs. DS liked playing peep boo with the washing on the clothes dryer, and banging spoons on pans while I cooked.

Sounds like you are doing a brilliant job.

DOn't let the pointless guilt get in the way of this lovely time in your life. ENjoy!

And he's not LOOKING at you, he's WATCHING you to see how to do things! ANd just cos he loves you and thinks you are th best thing ever.

I think the guilt is normal. I realised once I had twins how much time I actually spent with ds1 and how little they get of me. So he is privileged in that aspect to be on his own. Someone once said that 1.5 hours of direct play with child is plenty per day (that includes eating together and chatting etc.). I felt a lot better after that. (Though not sure I hit 1.5 hours per child!).

Don't worry!

DS2 is 14 months now and loves just pottering about. I think the playing together starts as they get older. DS1 who is 4 wants to play with me all the time.

I like bath time as he is in one place and we can 'chat'!

Sounds like you're doing well! What I have been doing with my DS when I am busy cooking is to put out kitchen utensils that are safe for him to play with. This way he can occupy himself with something that he normally does not get to play with.

Can you involve him in stuff like putting teaspoons in the dishwasher basket or putting laundry in the washing machine? I wouldn't mind a DS who was fine watching a lot, he's probably happy observing. Mine likes to get involved with everything including handing me loo paper

I really worry about this too. Having had high maintenance twins who had to be played with every second of every day or chaos broke loose, I feel like I am massively neglecting my more laid back DC3 who has been happy to sit in her chair much of the time.

Then I remember trying to wean my DTSs off playing with me and trying to get them to play alone..

I think the gov't says 15 minutes of playing with them on the floor everyday (I don't know if the kitchen table counts)

@smearedinfood, Sorry, have to disagree with you there, on safety grounds. Very young children should NOT be encouraged to put clothes in washing machines, dryers, dishes in dishwashers etc, they should be told to keep away from them and not touch, until they are old enough to have some conception of the dangers. Horrible accidents can and do happen, regularly, with kitchen machines. Better safe than sorry.

Sorry Oldmum, I think you're completely wrong - children should be involved as much as possible in all household activities and "NO" should be reserved for things that are truly dangerous (chewing on electric cables etc). In my book putting a teaspoon in the dishwasher does not count as dangerous.

gobblygook you have only to look at the number of threads entitled 'how do I get my x-year old to play by him/herself' to realise that allowing them to find out how to amuse themselves is beneficial in the long run!

oldmum I disagree - teaching them to do things and the relevant safety issues is important, if they want to be involved then start them young! The only thing you need to be careful with is the soap in the dishwasher, the chemicals are a bit nasty. Horrible accidents happen when they aren't taught how to use things safely.

gobblygood what you are doing is perfect. It is not good for them to have 100% of your attention their every waking moment. They need to learn to amuse themselves and they enjoy pottering around with you - the time you spend together counts, it does not need to be baby focussed for it to be important.

I said while the child is too young to have any conception of danger! The child is 11 months old, not 4 :)

Kitchens are dangerous places, and it's more than the chemicals which you need to worry about, encouraging very young kids to play with these machines (everything is play at that age) is a bad Idea as it makes the child think it's safe to play with - I know of a DC (2yo) who was burned when he pulled a DW door open mid cycle and he was hit with a jet of scalding water and steam, and yes, this DC had been loading/unloading the machine (and was even allowed to put the detergent tablet in!).

People are more aware of cooker danger and bath danger, and less aware that other appliances also pose hazards and should not be used by young children, as fatalities can and do occur, every year children (and adults) die falling onto knives/glass while loading dishwashers, are maimed by washing machines, burned by tumble dryers etc.

Would you think it OK to encourage a very young DC to turn on the bath taps by themselves? I think most people would say "NO" to that question as they would recognise that this may encouraging the the DC to think running a bath something they can do by themselves, which would increase the risk of a drowning accident. Would you encourage them to "help mummy" by turning on the Iron for you? NO! I would say the same common sense should apply to house hold appliances.

Of course they need to be taught to use things safely, but they need to be old enough to understand what you are teaching them and why.

Yes - I can see the child is 11 months :)

Allowing them to help you is not the same as letting them play with the appliances.

For a start that dishwasher was faulty. Secondly, all children do stuff like that - you can't say that he opened the door because he had been allowed to put the dishwasher tablet in it?! (and putting a dishwasher tablet in it is not harmful to the child).

Of course accidents occur in the home - however, I doubt that many accidents happen when a small child is being allowed to help.

Putting some plastic bowls or teaspoons into the dishwasher or some clothes into the washing machine is not the same as turning the iron on or bath taps.

putting teaspoons in a dishawasher at 11mths fine, putting laundry in the washing machine at 11mths fine! my dd put laundry in our washing machine, she is 11mths.

we dont have a dishwasher :( but she puts teaspoons and other things like plastic bowls and spoons into the sink, i lift her up and she throws them into the bubbley water, endless giggles from her she thinks its great.

tbh i dotn 'play' with my dd that much she plays with her brothers and when they are not here she follows me around, today i sorted out my wardrobe, she spent the time sat on my bed throwing around the clothes i was trying to fold and putting knickers on her head, cue much laughter!

as long as he is happy watching you adn you chat to him etc i think its fine that he is just around when you are doing stuff, you dont have to play wiht him all the time :)

Chipping, the dishwasher was not faulty - many can be opened mid cycle and it takes a second or two for the water to stop running... the DC concerned had been shown how to open it, and I was making the point that he was also handling the dishwasher tablets when he should not have been - they are very toxic after all.

You are kind of missing my point, which is, if a dc is doing these things (helping you pack the washing machine for example), at an age when they can't understand danger, and can't understand why you are telling them "don't touch", then they would be more likely to try to do the same in some unguarded moment when you have turned your back for a moment, because "mummy/daddy lets me so it must be ok". For a very young child "helping mummy/daddy" is the same as playing.

Accidents do happen, and as you say, probably not while the parent is helping, more likely when a parents back is turned or if the DC wake early and goes down stairs, or if the parent leaves the room to answer the door etc.

I'm just saying, for a very young child, NOT using household appliances is safer.
But each to his/her own :)

Wow. Came back to this thread and it's kicked off!

Everything under supervision, it's not that hard!
Some kids just aren't hardwired to cope with play pens and you have to get on with life...
I let him play with his bath xylophone in a bath which says for over 3s only too. I watch him play with it and he likes it... Mwah haha ha...

Children are part of the family-they can be involved in an appropriate way from a young age.

The over-3 guideline thing is a classic. A lot of toys say they're not to be played with by under-3s but my understanding is that there are stringent requirements to obtain a licence to manufacture toys for under-3s and most manufacturers don't bother. So even something like a beach ball without any detachable/chokeable parts might be 'over-3s only'.

If I didn't let DS stick his face in the washing machine door to watch the clothes go round I don't know how I'd entertain him!

My not quite 10mo DS gets involved in everything and anything, but by his own volition, not my doing! - He's #3 and, while not getting overlooked, does have to battle for time and attention (he's currently rummaging through my knicker drawer :o)

and I love that you specify "kitchen utensils that are safe to play with " vez123 :o :o (in case any of us thought you were handing your LO butcher's knives, kettles and skewers :o

You sound like you're doing a great job! Just look at it this was, he's sitting watching you because everything (even boring cooking and cleaning) is fascinating to him! In a few months he'll be 'helping' you with these tasks and you'll long for the days he just sat and watched as it meant you got the job done quicker

I have a 14 month old ds who wants to do everything I do (which I love) but everything takes 4 times as long!

Well, you have to eat! At around this age I made a bottom drawer in the kitchen for ds which was filled with unbreakable cups and dishes - he enjoyed rummaging through it while I got on with whatever. My lot always liked to be doing stuff alongside and feel involved at this age. Happy days .

Thank you Octaviapink I feel enlightened.