Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

Original poster

6.6 yr old DS is very shy

11 replies

chocciedooby · 18/11/2011 19:15

I really don't want to label my son as "shy" .... I am just wonder if anyone has any advice on how to deal with my son.

He is a lovely very well mannered boy and well behaved but I have been trying to help him come out of his shell. He is in his 3rd year at school and still doesn't want to go to birthday parties or go on playdates.

I often look back to my childhood at that age and I know that a lot has changed. No playdates then etc. I just worry that he is missing out on friendships at school as all of his classmates are beginning to form groups.

I have tried to get him involved in sports activities outside of school but he point blank refuses. He won't take swimming classes either :(

Am I worrying over nothing and should I just give him more time to make his own way or are there any tricks I am missing in getting my son interested in getting involved.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Tgger · 18/11/2011 22:40

Have you tried going with him the first time etc to ease the way with playdates etc, or is this no go?
Is there anything he is passionate about/more interested in that you could encourage outside school? Have you actually signed him up for anything and it not worked or have you not tried? With my 5 year old I wasn't sure about signing him up for tennis after school as he seemed unsure about it, sometimes saying he wanted to, sometimes not. In the end I signed him up with the "we'll see how it goes" approach- but kept this to myself . He enjoys it and I'm pleased I made the decision for him- just told him he was going!

Original poster

chocciedooby · 18/11/2011 23:28

Hi Tgger. I have tried going with DS on play dates but it's become more difficult as the whole class have gotten older and more used to doing these things independently. He seems to have become a bit isolated from the rest of the outgoing kids and isn't bring asked on playmates that often anymore. I have also tried play dates at home but recently whenever I ask him who he would like over he says no one because he doesn't like anyone :(.

I have also brought him to a number of parties last year and ended up being the only mum that stays. I don't mind but he very rigidly says he doesn't want to go to parties anymore. It makes me feel so sad that he misses out on fun but he seems to be happier and more comfortable at home with us. Home is his security blanket.

I went through a similar experience with my DS1 but he overcame it within the first year of school and is now a very sociable child. I have tried all the same things but they haven't worked with ds2.

DS doesn't show any interest in anything outside of the home. He says he doesn't like school...we signed him up for soccer a couple of years ago and he took part twice and then refused to continue even though he was brought along (ds1 also too part). We signed him up for swimming lessons 18 months ago and paid up font. He didn't even get in the pool and there was no refund! I keep asking him if he would like to take up something but he is adamant he doesn't want to. Is it time to give him a push? I just don't feel comfortable in doing this......

The other problem I have here is that every extra curricular activity seems to have quite a price tag and if he doesn't take part we lose the money. Should I just go for it again??

OP posts:

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 18/11/2011 23:32

Can I ask you how often you question him about friends and related stuff? The reason is tht my DD was like your DS and I realised that I was grilling her about it and pressuring/scaring her about it all...she also felt like a failure because she sensed that I was worried....

Original poster

chocciedooby · 18/11/2011 23:39

Good point mandbragdoll.
I don't really grill him at all but whenever a party invite comes in I ask him if he would like to go and he always says no. They I try to encourage him, tell him it could be fun, I will stay if he would like etc He is sooooo adamant he doesn't want to go :(.

I also only ask him once every maybe 3 weeks if he would lie a play date over.

He does play with the neighbours kids and is happy to go into their houses to play because it is all familiar to him and he feels secure. He is just very scared to broaden his world.

Can I ask what you did? Did you just stop asking your dd?

OP posts:

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 18/11/2011 23:53

Well yes I did....I stressed a lot when she began nursery because she was so shy,she was selectively mute there...never said a word to ANY adult for almost a year.

Ten she began to slowly improve but still would not share anyting about how she was doing socially..I used to ask her lots of questions..and she'd not really tell me anything. She did geg asked to parties and playdates and would go usually but not speak once there...this term, we moved her from a small private prep school to a slightly larger state and after I began asking her lot of questions she said to me "Don't keep asking me so many questons!" This was in September and so I did...I stopped ...and her teacher says she is just fine in school socially, and otherwise...she doesn't want to have playdates at the moment though she has a good group of friends..I asked her once....she sad no...so I dont push it....she sees a couple of family friends and cousins out of school and that is all I ever had as a child and I am fine!

What would your son do if you didn't ask him if he wanted to go to the party but just took him? I did thatwhen DD was brand new at this school and she was obviously nervous about a party... just said "Oh well they wre nice to ask you so it would be bad manners not to go." and just took her!

She had a lovely time! You maybe are giving him too much say in things...he's only 6...young...he doesn't know what's good for him yet!

Original poster

chocciedooby · 19/11/2011 00:07

I know you are right about maybe giving him too much of a say but he is a very stubborn boy and I just know that if I did just bring him along to a party without talking about it beforehand he would freak out and wouldn't even get out of the car!

I am going to see his teacher for a chat next week and see how he is doing in school, play times etc. If she has no worries there then I will feel a little happier.

Thanks for your help. How old is your daughter?

OP posts:

Chaotica · 19/11/2011 00:27

I agree with others - I just wouldn't ask him about the parties. Just go (although stay yourself if you need to). I'd do the same with DD, but she hasn't had an invite for the whole time she's been in primary so there's not a lot I can do about that. When I go to visit people DD just has to deal with it so I might do the same if she were invited out.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 19/11/2011 17:22

My DD is 7 choccie she's in year 3...the youngest in the year. I had a friend at her old school whose DS never wanted to go to parties...he's 8 now and fine with them....I wonder if it' just somethng they grow out of....I would keep challenging him gently....taking him to crowded places with just you or you and ome kids he knows...sot play centres etc....to get him hardened to the noise etc.

As a child I hated parties and cried a lot at them....the noise and hysteria really overloaded me.

It's funny that Ive only just remembered that! I did grow out of that by the age of about 10...

Original poster

chocciedooby · 19/11/2011 17:24

Had chat with sil today and one of herons was exactly the same. He is 11 now and really coming out of himself. Her advice was to stop asking DS about friends, etc and try and get him interested in something.

OP posts:

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 19/11/2011 17:33

I agree.....I was TERRIBLE for quizzing my DD about who she played with etc....I have recently stopped and she gets less irritated with me...she's not the chatty type when it comes to her friends!

They all sort themselves out in the end I think...it's hard when you want to make the road as easy as possible...sometimes we can't do as much as we'd like....your DS will be fine when he's older I am sure. 6 is still very young.

Tgger · 19/11/2011 19:59

My DS won't do swimming- yet- and I see no point in pushing him- yet as I think he would be like yours in not even getting in the pool! Tennis was different though- we tried it over the summer, you could sign up just for 2/3 mornings, 2 hour sessions a time, so that was a good tester to see if he enjoyed it. I just signed him up without asking . Did watch one session then dropped off at others.

It seems like the activites you tried were some time ago and he may well have grown in confidence since then, even if he doesn't show outward signs of it. Can you have a chat with him about how you'd like him to try one activity and then present him with a choice? Maybe find things with smaller groups/less noise/overwhelming etc. Tennis was good for my DS as the teacher is very personable, the group is a group of 5-7 year olds, with one of his friends from school in it.

Also, I guess it could be that he hasn't found anyone at school that he is very good friends with- and maybe at something outside of school he will find some more likeminded children? Martial arts/tennis/drama/beavers/cubs??

Good luck! Hopefully in a couple of years time you will wonder what you were worried about .

Flip