I am a good mum, honest, but....

[3littlebadgers]

My six year old is driving me nuts! Closely followed by my four year old. Basically living overseas, Husband in the forces, Both started school this year. 6 yr DS the here version of yr 1 and my 4 yr DS in Preschool (same school). Both are/ were gorgeous children at home; very helpful; polite; gentle. I have done my best with them pretty much single handedly I have made sure they have had my attention and have had one on one time with me throughout the day as well as time all playing/ reading doing whatever together along with my 2 yr old DD. I've always been so proud of all three of my children. People out and about often comment on how well they behave.
At school DS (6) is like a child possessed! He is getting into fights pretty much everyday, along with other annoying things like books being torn (his from other children and he to other children) pencils, rubbers etc. soing missing every day. The teacher has him sat on a desk on his own at the back of the classrrom so he pretty much has been labled as the naughty child. Over here the education system is rediculous and I am pretty much blaming that on his change of personality (although I might be deluding myself) school is from 1pm to 6pm and so far all day everyday all they do at school is practice lines and lines of handwriting plus more of the same for homework every day (oftern 2 or 3 sides of A4 paper). I know the child is bored out of his mind. He loves maths and can devour basic multiplication and devision questions just for the fun of it but he has never enjoyed sitting down and writing/drawing so I guess he is frustrated at not being able to get his teeth into anything. The supervision is very poor. I had a message from school the other day asking me to pick him up urgently as he was very ill. I dragged my 2yr old up from her nap and rushed up to school only to find him chasing his freinds around the playground. I waited up at the classroom for the teacher who didn't appear in the room untill more than five minutes after the bell had rang calling the children in from play (who at this point were all acting wildly pushing and pulling eachother). I ended up getting them all sat down myself and kept the busy teaching them English untill she finally turned up. It appears talking to my DS that it is at these times he is getting himself into bother. He is Tall for his age and very very strong so He is a 'good challange' for the other boys who want to prove himself. Just today I was dropping my younger son off to preschool at the other side of the playground and saw a boy from his year group kicking my eldest and my son standing back and letting him untill it got too much for him and he retaliated. I shouted at the boy and my son but my heart was broken for DS because I did see him trying to hold back. Not one other adult, teacher or otherwise stepped in to stop them.
No matter how much I stress to him how important it is he behaves in school how he behaves at home it makes no difference I have given him sanctions: not getting to watch a cartoon before dinner; not getting to pick out a bedtime story and the like and now poor santa is getting dragged into it and I am bleeding terrified that a certain portly gentleman is really going to have to bring coal this year.
DS 4 is also acting up but his is more of a seeing the children being rough in school and bringing the new behaviour home with him. I'm coping with that I just don't like having to moan at him so much.
Any advice? or Anyone who can relate just so I know I am not on my own?

You're most definitely now alone. I feel your pain. You'll get through it. Try to take a step back, try not to catastrophise, children are difficult at times, they go through behavioural stages, the key is acceptance and being solution focused. No self blame allowed. Take on board what people are saying, ask for advice from those in the professions and remember, you're not alone! There's a world full of us - parents who don't know what to do!!!!!!

Thank you bucketbetty just feel so bad for him that he isn't letting people see what he is really like.

Hi OP, I hope you're ok. Have you spoken with the school about what they can do to help? Can you find something that he can do that makes him feel good about himself - what's he good at? Has he tried activities such as karate or judo? I would think about things that build his self esteem. I found that shouting, getting angry and punishments don't work for my DS. I focus on things he's good at, I try to reward all the good things he does and remain very calm when he does something I feel upset about and speak very calmly at an appropriate time (when we're sitting on the sofa with no distractions - not in the car or when there are others about). Do you spend enough quality time with him. I hope you're ok. I'm sure there are loads of people who see how lovely your little man is, it's just easy to focus on the negative. You're clearly a lovely mummy because you care so much.

Where are you based? Could you educate him at home for now? It really sounds like he's not getting anything out of it.

It's really awful when kids behave worse at school than they do at home. My ds1 is like this. What you wrote: " just feel so bad for him that he isn't letting people see what he is really like" was my theme last year. I hated it that kids who could be rude and nasty on the way to school would suddenly be angels and teacher's pet in school.

Basically it took me a long time to figure out what was wrong with ds1 (first blamed myself and then school/ teacher). Finally figured out it was relationship issues. He had a friendship that had gone wrong. I also think one of the TA's was quite 'harsh' and he's quite sensitive. Quite a few of the kids were unhappy last year as they figured out their relationships (Reception).

So far he's been better this year, though still quite 'wriggly'. Ds likes to a lot of creative stuff and do his own thing (he's very independent at home, entertains himself) so I think he's finding it hard to have to do things he doesn't enjoy a lot of the time - like your ds I guess.

What I mean is that my ds1's unhappiness comes out in bad behaviour where with another child it came out in a nervous tick and in another, general insecurity. I guess your ds1 is not happy and it making him behave badly. Try and talk to him, some kids are better than others at this. My ds1 only really talks when he's just woken up!