Co Sleeping

[JohnDoe8867]

Hi,

I'm in a relationship with someone with 2 sons 9yo and 11yo, our relationship has been going on for 3 months and I was introduced to the kids a month ago.

At the moment my introduction has been gradual but has gone far better than expected - initially I was "Mum's friend" but they have seen us kissing and holding hands a few times and this doesn't seem to bother them in the slightest.

When I stay over I sleep in the spare bedroom as my girlfriend wants to leave a few more weeks before we sleep together and they're aware of us doing that.

I know from what she has said that both kids have occassionally slept in her bed with her - which is the root of my question....

I wouldn't expect to be sharing a bed with them...at 9 and 11 they're way too old for this, in my opinion, and there needs to be some adult time and space established for everything to work together and in time for us to function as a family - one of my girlfriend's concerns is that they need a father figure (which is fine with me) and they need to act as kids instead of trying to partner with her (which I see starting to happen).

So am I right in my view and if so any advice on how this is best handled...?

Thanks

I think you need to tread carefully here John. If you see a future with this woman, and it sounds like you do, then your relationship with her sons will be a very important issue. You don't want to go steaming in right at the beginning telling them how to behave and her how to parent them.

Saying 'am I right in my view' comes across as a bit dogmatic. It sounds like you want people to say 'yes John, you are right and need to implement this immediately'. It's not as simple as that. I'm assuming you don't have kids yourself as you don't mention any? I know a LOT of people (myself included) who before having kids would have said a definite NO to co-sleeping but end up doing it. I have never heard it suggested that this is treating them as adults not kids - in fact it's the opposite - they come into bed because they are scared and want love and protection. Yes 9 and 11 is on the old side, but they may have had a rough time (was their parents' split a messy one?) and need their mum a bit more than some kids of this age.

Having said that, I can completely understand that YOU would not feel comfortable sharing a bed with them, so you do need to discuss in advance what to do if one of them comes into the bed when you are there.

You could try posting on the step parents forum for more tips.

very wise post by mumofthree

you want to avoid any suggestion that you are coming into your new partner's life to show her how to parent

discuss practical solutions but in a non-judgmental way

I still used to sleep in my mum's bed occasionally until I was about 10. I don't really see the problem as long as she is happy with it. I'm guessing that your relationship is a fairly new one so I wouldn't start trying to change things.

I'm sure they won't come in the bed if you are there

You've said that they 'have occasionally' slept in the bed with her. It doesn't sound like a regular thing, probably just something they do if they have a bad dream or something. They are still children, and your relationship with their mother is still very new, so I would go very carefully indeed. Most children crawl into their parents' beds at some point for many years. They're not too old to need their mother's comfort and I would certainly expect them to be very defensive of their rights, which may be what you are interpreting as them trying to 'partner' her. (Which, frankly, is a seriously creepy phrase.) Paradoxically, you may also want to bear in mind that although they are children they've been the men of the house, presumably for some time, and you are encroaching. It's quite a complicated mother-child relationship you may be seeing.

If I was your girlfriend I would expect you to be extremely sensitive to their needs, and if they needed to come in for a cuddle, to either sleep alongside or retreat to the spare room if you weren't comfortable with it. I definitely don't think you are in a position to say that it's not going to happen any more. Most parents make extensive use of the spare room one way and another at some point!

TBH given their ages and the prospect of puberty round the corner for the eldest I wouldn't expect even occasional bed-sharing to go on much longer.

The ball is in her court for resolving this one; she's probably thought about it already. Just ask her, at some point, what she will do if the kids come into bed while you're there. You need to trust her to do the right thing; I agree that you need to tread really carefully here - you can't come into someone's life and start telling them what to do and how to parent.