masturbating toddler - help!

[BettyBiscuit]

She start doing this lying down humping thing at age two and became really obsessive about it. She is a bit better now at age 2 1/2, but still wants to do it a couple of times each day.

Advice please? Will she grow out of this? I feel quite uncomfortable with it.

I've just remembered DD used to do it lying on the sofa too.

And I did when I was small, absolutely loads, til I was about 9. I remember my mum telling me off for doing it.

So shoot me

I really struggle with the idea that mothers should stop discussing this or any other topic because of what we imagine paedophiles might do. The title is not brash, it's straightforward. FGS, the OP doesn't deserve a guilt-trip for this.

My niece was an absolute champion at this, had it down to a fine art. My dd used to refuse to sleep in the same room as her because she was so noisy Her parents were in a permanent rictus of gritted teeth and rolling eyes...

She's grown out of it now, of course, but may I say that she is an extraordinarily bright and precocious child - in this department as in every other.

It's quite common, especially in the time after they come out of nappies and everything is more accessible.

I think Hester has given good advice - treat it as would nose-picking and teach her that some things are not done in public.

It's totally normal.
She is doing what feels good and doesn't realise that the adult world find it weird.

Explain that what she is doing is ok, but bottom stuff should be private.

My DS does this too and has done since being about 8 months old. I'd never heard of it happening but forums like this back then helped reassure me it was normal.

My mum however, considering she's had 4 kids of her own and raised another 2 who weren't her (mix of boys and girls) was horrified when she saw him as a baby. Her first comment was "Oh God, Social Services will crawl all over you if someone saw this! They'll make allsorts out of behaviour like that!"

I felt absolutely awful and was convinced someone would come and take him (through nothing I'd done obviously!) and worried myself sick over it.

I braved speaking to a health visitor who then told me it was just a comfort thing and as he always did it when tired or going to sleep, he was just rocking himself! Now I think a bit differently, but either way, more relaxed about it and more assured it's perfectly normal!

I've also now told my mum it's normal and I heard lots of children do it but she's still very uncomfortable. He's just turned 2 now and does it several times a day. I just try and take no notice, unless anyone is around.

My DD has been at this since about 6 months old, seems to be a comfort thing, she's 21 months now.
She humps on the arm of couch, trys to do it on my knee. She was on her friends bounce and spin zebra thing, couldn't get her off it,
I mostly just leave her to it, she sometimes does if to go asleep.
It's a pretty normal thing, nothing sexual about it, it doesn't bother me except when I want her to come and do something else and she doesn't like to be interrupted and throws a strop.

It's not really a big deal.

Betty- I wasn't trying to be critical of you at all, just that MN is an open forum, maybe I was being a bit oversensitive.

but, like I say, I think it is fairly common. One of my dds did this, and I did what a pp has suggested and treated it like nose-picking- not inherently shameful, but not in public!

hester I was not for a minute trying to give the OP a "guilt-trip", but I've seen threads like this before, and people often do get a bit twitchy about them, that's all.

Thanks for the support every one, I feel a bit less freakish now :-)

I know they do, jollyjoo, I just feel it's a shame that we hand over our power to the abusers . There must be many mothers who would like to ask questions/explore issues relating to children and sexuality on here that they wouldn't want to in RL, and they should be able to without feeling silenced and ashamed. Perhaps silencing ourselves is too high a price to pay?

quite normal. as are the words masturbating and climax, i have no idea why people are responding badly to your post.

hester- I do agree, but I'd already seen the posts about "horrid thread" etc, and thought the OP might want to know why people were posting them.

I agree, I hate the fact that even I (the least "look-out-there's-a-paedophile-about) person I know should even think like this. I think this place can make you paranoid sometimes .

I guess your 'hide thread' function isn't working, Reality?

I think it's extremely unfair to tell OP that 'really, there is no need' to post her concerns about her childs behaviour, on the behaviour section of a parenting forum.

OP has gracefully accepted the advice of others that she look at the reasons behind her discomfort with her dd's [very normal] behaviour. But whatever hang-ups she might or might not have, they're nothing compared to not being able to see this issue discussed in this context without the mind jumping to "perverts a-wanking."

Lovely turn of phrase, by the way .

I always think:

There are paedophiles everywhere. If not convicted then there are plenty of those who have 'the thoughts'. They could be anywhere. You could have one living right across the road who thinks god knows what about your children every time you leave the house. Or you could pass one when shopping.

Nobody was ever harmed by anothers thoughts alone! Your child won't be scared for life over what someone may or may not have thought about them! Lets face it, we wouldn't even know!

And the same applies to posts like these in my opinion. Anyone could read and think anything. But the same as you wouldn't ever keep your child locked inside for the rest of their childhood years through fear of what any strangers might be thinking, I wouldn't refrain from writing posts like these because of what they might be thinking either.

We calmly tell DS it's not polite, he can do it in his room if he has to, but not in front of people. That has led to some even more embarrassing announcements in company - e.g "I am just going to my room to..." etc! But there comes a point where they understand. It's just a bit difficult with toddlers where they want to do it but don't have the sophistication to understand why it should be private.

I think it's understandable that it makes us uncomfortable - it is taboo. And our discomfort eventually helps inform our DC that it's not something you should do in public.

Some people will outragedly say things like "it's perfectly natural, how dare you make your child ashamed of what is NATURAL, YOU are uptight" etc blah blah blah. But I bet they themselves don't sit in a business meeting with their hands in their pants or get their willy out at the dinner table. And if they bump into a flasher they don't bleat "It's perfectly natural and he's just doing it because it feels good!!!" Well, most of us don't masturbate in public as adults because we learned as children that it's taboo and makes people uncomfortable. Tbh I'd be more worried if it didn't make parents a bit uncomfortable.

I like your post, LadyWord - very good point about parental discomfort / sense of taboo serving an important function in socialization.

Lady yes it is taboo but parents have to be careful not to place motives upon their child which are not there.
And actually I don't think it is taboo - it's just something to do in private. Two slightly different things.

It's perfectly natural and perfectly normal - nearly all toddlers do it. It's not taboo at all (which means entirely forbidden) it's simply inappropriate in certain circumstances. It's up to you to teach your child what those circumstances are, but also to make clear that it's ok under certain other circumstances. Making your child feel ashamed or dirty for doing something that feels nice is storing up issues for them later. It's not sexual at this age and they can't climax - it just feels nice.

Sorry, I didn't mean taboo to do it, I meant taboo to do it in public. Also I don't think there is any suggestion of dirtiness or shame, if you just explain it's only OK in private.

That's what I took you to mean, LadyWord. You made it clear in your post that you don't see a problem with your ds doing what he pleases in private. It's the 'in public' part that's taboo.

My dd is 2.3 and loves to have a good old rummage when her nappy is off much to the horror of her 7 yr old sister who shouts "leave your ninny alone!" I ignore ignore ignore. Let's face it all men women of all ages do it. At this age they are just figuring out different parts of their body much the same as I can't get her to stop putting her finger up her nose!!! Something that has worked for me is to give her something interesting to hold like a mobile phone that frees up her hands

My 7 year old rocks her legs with a small favourite cushion between them - but only when she's tired and say, having a little downtime by the TV for a hour. I think it's just comforting really, there isn't any 'goal'. I don't think that small children usually have enough hormone levels to enable them to get more than just a nice comforting feeling from this behaviour. As with little boys getting their willies out everywhere, it's a matter of gently and firmly encouraging them to be more private without giving them a complex about it. They certainly don't make the connection with sex that us adults see.