Bad behaviour at school

[Noomininoo]

My 4.5yo DD1 started reception in September & since then we have noticed a marked deterioration in her behaviour. She has become rude, defiant & disrespectful not only at home but also with her teacher in school. When she's in a mood anything you ask her is met with a scowl & a "No way!", occasionally accompanied with a complete meltdown where she deliberately does things she knows will wind us up & get her punished . When she's in this mood, no amount of privilege removal will work (in fact, she's giving us things to take away) & she just treats the naughty spot as a joke

She's been also indulging in a lot of attention seeking behaviour - complaining of a bad belly when she's actually fine, whinging about being hungry or thirsty immediately after eating a big meal, whinging about being tired/cold/hot, arguing with us, bursting into tears at the drop of a hat...

Unfortunately, as DD1 gets the school bus to & from school we don't get to see her teacher very often but if DD1 has had a particularly bad day she will phone us to let us know or slip a note in her bag. Admittedly this has only happened a few times but DD1 comes home very often saying that she's 'been a little bit naughty in school' & put on the naughty spot or lost her playtime (at least she's being honest about it I guess ). Her behaviour was also discussed with us at parent's evening .

I know all of this is classic attention seeking behaviour but as to how to deal with it - I'm at a loss. She came from a very small, intimate nursery where all the carers were young girls (late teens & early 20s) & more like big sisters to her so I know it must be a big adjustment for her starting school. I want to make some allowances for that but I can't let her carry on with this behaviour.

Also, I can correct the behaviour at home but what about when she comes home & tells me she's been naughty at school (or if there's a letter in her bag off the teacher)? How do I deal with that? I don't want to punish her twice but then I also want to reinforce the teacher's discipline (teacher made a big thing in the parents evening about working together to reinforce each others efforts in disciplining her). I also don't really want to punish her when she's told be she's been naughty as she'll just stop telling me.

Any hints or tips on how to deal with this? I want my lovable, kind, affable little girlie back

My ds has struggled at school, and what they have done is given him a "behaviour book". In this every day they write down each activity and give either a sad, ok, or happy face. If it's a sad face they explain why, if he's done something particularly good then he gets a sticker and an explanation of the sticker.

For example a day might read:
Good carpet time
Ok activity [ok face]
Good playtime
Good activity, shared well
Lunch: Hit child, time out
Good PE
Good reading
Ok carept time (bit wriggly) [ok face]

It's working very well because he knows I know. If he has a day with all good or ok then he gets a little treat, like a cookie after school. I can also talk through the ok, and the bad times, so I'll say "oh dear, what happened at lunch" and he'll say something like. "I was playing with the football and XXX ran off with it and wouldn't give it back" and I can talk through what he should have done.

I treat for good behaviour and am just "sad" (and say his teacher is sad too) for bad behaviour. He was really good all last week (1 sad face and 1 ok face all week) so I made a bit of a treat at the weekend and let him go into a shop he loves looking at.

It is also very reasurring because I can look back in the book and see how much he's improved. It also shows where the flash points are, when tired is one, and lunchtime is another, which as he has hearing issues, I was warned about for ENT because he finds the level of noise difficult to cope with. But even the flash points are getting better.

My DD is 5.5 and has had trouble with her behaviour at school since she started. She mainly ignores instructions and sometimes is disruptive making noises etc. during quiet times. I have deduced that her behaviour is due to having a lack of self esteem :(. I think she then behaves in a way that gets the teachers attention because she is seeking approval from the teacher. Obviously at school this totally backfires and perpetuates the problem because DD feels even more insecure because she is getting in trouble.

We have not had much luck getting the school to change their approach which is to just punish the behaviour, rather than try to treat the cause and improve her self esteem with some addition praise, special jobs etc. So I am just making sure that she feels secure when she's with me knows that I have faith in her to do well and make good choices. This seems to be having some success.

It is very hard to find solutions I think. Each child/teacher are so different and the solution needs to suit both parties.