Just left DD 4.5yrs to cry herself to sleep and now I feel like a total shit

[Bibbo]

Have never done CC before but I was at my wit's end this evening. DD will not go to sleep unless me or DH is lying next to her holding her hand. My previous attempts at gradual withdrawal never worked. Tonight she went off after 45mins, then when I sneaked downstairs my heart sank when I heard the 'pat-pat-pat' of her running around upstairs... so back up the stairs I went... and after a total of 90mins lying next to her I snapped. Am 6wks pg so am knackered, overemotional, and not in the mood. Said goodnight, came downstairs and tried not to listen to her yelling for me.

I have been back up again to try to settle her nicely and explain that she's a big girl etc etc etc, then I left her again. She screamed her head off for a while longer, but now it has all gone silent up there. And now I can't stop thinking about my poor little one traumatised and alone in the dark, and feel like I have completely let her down.

I think she has a certain amount of separation anxiety, she has always been a clingy kid. Which is probably going to be about ten times worse come tomorrow! Would love some good advice about sorting this sleep issue out as it takes a massive chunk out of every evening, and seems to be getting worse as she is waking up more frequently.

Someone tell me I haven't managed to completely fuck her up?

You have not managed to compeltely fuck her up.

You sound lovely. And tired and pregnant and at the end of a 4 year tether!

Wish I could give better advice but couldn;t read with out saying hi. I really don;t think she will be majorly affected by this evening except perhaops to realise you mean it.

She has acheived going to sleep on her own tonight. Remid her of that?
And stick to your guns.

Keep us up top date with how it goes.

Is she at school? Is there any way they could support at all?

No you have not fucked her up and you have every sympathy with me as dd but younger but can be as bad and I am also pregnant so not always a my most patient.

What helped with dd is idea that she could fall asleep when she wanted so I leave light on dimmer, a nightlight torch thing and a selection of books of her to read. She then reads Le quietly plays (noisy books help a lot here) until she falls asleep. Wuld this kind of thing help your dd ?

We do similar to above. DD aged 4 can turn lap off when ever she is ready [ usually within half an hour] and she has a CD plaayer with a few story CDs and a 'relaxing' CD we made for her Birthday. She looks at books, plays - only rule is that she is in bed and being 'peaceful and gentle'.

Maybe you could suggest she does this for five minutes then you will come and say good night th first night, then ten mins the next... then suggest she is a big girl and can decide when she wants to sleep... I suppose it depends on her and you know her best.

I agree, no fucking up has occurred!

I'd reward her for going to sleep by hereself tonight (star chart/new 'special toy' that is for her now she's big enough to go to sleep by herself/chocolate type treat/special time with mummy), talk to her about the things that would assist her (like the great suggestions about nightlight/books etc). A friend swears by story tapes (although didn't work for us). I still sit with mine (7 and 2.5) for about 10 mins as they settle down, and they both like listening to lullabies on stereo. Then I quietly go, leaving the music playing, but pop back up every so often to check on them.

Every mum I know is different - some are 'hardline', telling kids don't come out unless it's an emergency, others are 'softer' than me. But it's what works for you and your family. Work out 'our way and stick to your guns. DD1 has always been a total nightmare to settle ever since tiny, so I feel your pain (DD2 goes out like a light) and we, like you, lay down with her until about the same age as your daugher. It was just perseverence and reassurance that got us to a reasonable bedtime routine most nights (but not all!). Give yourself a break too - you need rest and time off, and you're not doing her any harm by giving yourself that. I think you sound like a lovely caring mum, and good luck with tomorrow night.

And sorry for the essay! :)

Phew I am glad you think that!! thanks so much x

tbh this morning I was expecting no end of recriminations from her, but she slept all through the night and seems OK this morning ie not a trembling emotional wreck!

Some great ideas here for helping her stay in bed. Mumblecrumble I especially like the idea of giving her a CD player with story CDs - think she would love that and it would be a reward for her staying in bed.

thanks everyone :)