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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Tiny Terror - help!

14 replies

choccycraving · 12/11/2011 12:17

I've posted in other section as I want as much help as possible as starting to get me down...

DS2 (22 months) is a real nightmare to other kids - kicking, pushing biting not sharing toys. He's been like this the last 6 months since he started walking.

Can anyone offer any advice on how to deal with this? I've tried firm NO, naughty step, offering sympathy to other child but nothing seems to work. He is the same with his big brother.

Reallly don't want a little bully on our hands and keen to nip this in the bud, he is very loving and funny otherwise just very territorial with other children.

Hope you can help or offer me some more tips? Thanks from a stressed out mum.

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Albrecht · 12/11/2011 13:02

Gosh I don't think you can expect a 22 month old to really share can you? Ds is only 16 months but going by his cousins and friend's kids its pretty normal to grab toys at this age. Doesn't mean its ok obviously, you have to explain about taking turns and being patient.

Re the hitting etc, I work on teaching him "gentle gentle" ways of touching - saying this phrase to ds quite often works. If not haul him out of the way and apologise to the other child / cat.

Also make sure he has opportunity for safe rough and tumble play in case excess exuberance is part of the problem - wrestling, getting past you onto the sofa etc.

I wouldn't have thought there is a quick fix to this really, its just part of the hard work of teaching them how to behaviour around others.

mumofthreekids · 12/11/2011 13:50

I have been having the same problems with my 25 month old DS2 - much, much worse than my other 2 kids were at this age. It's been going on for a year and is exactly as you describe - in fact I could have written your post a couple of months ago - including the bit about him being loving and funny too!

I think we are finally past the worst of it (I really hope I'm not tempting fate by writing that!!). In the last few weeks I have seen a big improvement. There is still the odd incident, but as Albrecht says that is normal for a toddler.

I tried the same methods of discipline you mention - none of which worked. The only thing that seemed to have any effect was, after one warning, taking him home from toddler group or gym class if he hurt another child. The only problem is that this doesn't work if you are at home or in a place where you really can't leave - but for us the worst flashpoints were in group situations.

Keep calm. Try to be consistent. Don't label him as a bully. Don't give up if your disciplining methods don't seem to be working - IMO he is a bit too young to be effectively disciplined, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try, as he'll soon be old enough. Remember the MN mantra "this too will pass"!

Original poster

choccycraving · 12/11/2011 19:38

Thanks both, I agree it with the mantra! Just I want it to be a short phase. Thanks for the tips, I think I do need to be a bit more boisterous with him, like the suggestions of activities, although I hope it doesn't make him worse!

It just gets me down, I dread having frineds around or going to baby group...

Thanks for the tips, here's hoping it will curb his enthusiasm!

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MogTheForgetfulCat · 12/11/2011 20:14

He's not a bully, and it's not at all indicative of how he will be later, so try not to worry about it in those terms. My DS1 was an absolute bugger for this when he was wee (he was a shover) - I hated having playdates, going to toddler groups, the park, softplay etc. I found it utterly mortifying to have someone else's child howling because DS1 had shoved him/her (it was often a her, actually, and a smaller her at that - just to heap the guilt on). I don't really do naughty step, and certainly not at that age - but removing him from the situation sometimes improved things.

Other than that, it was simply a case of being calm and consistent, leading by example (i.e. trying to be calm and gentle at all times myself and not getting cross, even when I really wanted to), reiterating that he must play gently, intervening quickly when something happened - basically, shadowing him around and keeping on top of it. V wearing, especially when DS2 came along when DS1 had just turned 2. That wasn't a particularly fun year .

However, it gradually improved - he was a much calmer and nicer 3yo, a much more trustworthy 4yo, and is now an absolutely delightful 5yo. He is definitely not the bullying type, is kind and gentle to baby DS3, is considerate and thoughtful of others and their feelings

It is SO tough when you have a child like this - but: It. Will. Get. Better. Promise

Original poster

choccycraving · 13/11/2011 21:49

I'm glad to hear it gets better Mog, I find it hard not to get cross. For instance, he bit his brother really hard today, he knew it wasn't nice and laughed...I think I will have to put him in a cage

I wonder why some children are prone to this more than others?

Thanks for your support, reassuring to know that others experienced this!

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BluebirdH · 15/11/2011 10:13

I went through this with first DS who is now a super 5 year old. Second DS is right in zone for hitting, shoving and saying NO. Squeezing cheeks too. How awful. So while I'm glad to read that I'm not alone. I also know that I face the same calm consistent journey I faced with DS1. I don't know how friendly you are with the other mothers but one of the things you have to have to do for your child is not chat, shadow. I wasn't able to hold a conversation let alone a cup of tea at any groups. some mums can sit and watch. I was always up on my feet watching, shadowing, protecting others. I don't know why they're like this but it does pass.

Original poster

choccycraving · 15/11/2011 21:58

Thanks Bluebird. You're right about not being able to chat, its the fear of the squeal and then tears from the other poor child and the disgusted look from other mums. Wish this phase would pass soon!

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Emmie412 · 16/11/2011 08:05

I have a DD 22 months who is a biter. Not always but it is her way of dealing with disagreements, i.e. when fighting over a toy, i.e. another child comes and takes whatever she was playing with. We tried leaving as well as soon as the biting occurred but in reality that is difficult when you have people in your house etc. I am also watching her like a hawk and intervening as soon as I can see a situation developing - prevention in my mind works much better than naughty steps etc - she is way too young to understand these. Also I can see from her face that she feels wronged and doesn't always understand why she is the one being told off -after all it was something she was playing with.

I tend to tell other mummies that this is what she might do so they help to keep an eye on her and possible situations.

She starts in nursery two days a week next week and I'm wondering whether it'll make the biting worse or better.

mumofthreekids · 16/11/2011 18:39

Emmie, I agree with you that 22 m is a bit young for the naughty step and prevention is better at this age. Just wondering if you or anyone else has any thoughts on when this is no longer the case, and you need to start teaching them the consequences of their actions rather than leaping in to prevent it happening in the first place? My DS is 25m.

Am also really interested to hear how it goes at nursery - post here to let us know!

Emmie412 · 17/11/2011 12:22

I personally think (and hope) that eventually she will understand that it hurts and is not a way of dealing with things as I do tell her just that every time it is about to happen or has already happened. I think she will simply grow out of it once she is able to talk more and once she is able to relate to other people's feelings a bit more - she is otherwise very loving and caring towards others.

And yes, I will come back with nursery news next week or so!

In the meantime, I thought I'd share this with you - got it as an email yesterday:

A toddler's rules of possession:

If I like it, it's mine.
If it is in my hand, it's mine.
If I can take it from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours in any kind of way.
If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine, it is mine.
If I saw it first, it is mine.
If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If it is broken, it is yours.

BluebirdH · 22/11/2011 13:29

Just a thought for the lovely little biter. Play a game with her. What can we bite? Put a selection of veggie sticks, cereal bar etc. (notice I'm keeping it healthy:-) a dolly, a squeaky toy, mummy's arm etc. in front of her and then play what can you, should you bite... it may help.

Original poster

choccycraving · 28/11/2011 20:57

Thanks for your tips, I hope nursery has gone well for your DD Emmie.

I like your suggestion of the game Bluebird, I will see if that helps.

Thanks again and please keep them coming as he is still being a little terror!

OP posts:

Emmie412 · 29/11/2011 13:27

Yes, my DD has indeed started in nursery now. We have had the inevitable tears and a bit of separation anxiety but when I picked her up last Friday, she had eaten everything, had a poo and even a short nap (apparently all good signs of settling in). I have not heard yet that she has bitten anyone there but had a good chomp on her friend's hand at a party on Saturday. We didn't stay very long after that, found it impossible to be supervising her every second as the biting happens so fast!

Emmie412 · 18/01/2012 12:04

Just wanted to come back and update - my DD who will be two this week very rarely bites anymore. (Hope I am not jinxing it now!!!)

The thing that worked for us was pushing her own hand in the way when she attempted a chomp/suggested she'd try biting herself and that seemed to make her realise it actually hurts. There has been no biting incidents in nursery either.

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