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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

What makes you feel most connected with your newborn?

46 replies

alishinwonder · 11/11/2011 22:56

I am currently researching the bond between mother and child for a design project and it would be very interesting to get different views on what you feel brings the bond closer between you and your newborn child?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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secretcodes · 12/11/2011 13:09

Just holding him and having him look at me and need me. Got to say I didn't feel at all attached to him for the first 2 weeks or so. I wanted to protect him and provide for him to nurture him but it wasn't instinctual at all. I felt like I was 'faking' at being his mummy but he was a very difficult baby and I struggled with breastfeeding and everything seemed like a struggle. I remember he was 17 days old and something just cliked into place and I fell so in love with him. Just listening to him breathe and watching him sleep was magical. I loved night feeds aswell although obviously I was relieved when he slept through but there was something very special about him and me being awake and the rest of the world being dark and sleeping. Awwwwwww! I loved it. Currently pregnant with my next son so who knows when it'll happen this time. Hopefully I won't be nearly as uptight for the first couple of weeks.

Octaviapink · 12/11/2011 13:11

After DS was born I turned to DH and said "Oh! I'd forgotten that newborn smell!" before realising that the evocative smell I was cooing over was actually the smell of fresh uterine blood.

bishboschone · 12/11/2011 14:10

My ds was prem and was in scbu for a month before I got him home so we missed all that binding bit :(. The only way I felt close to him was resting him on my front while he slept. Sadly this was while attached to wires but he still loves it now..

dontforget2scream · 12/11/2011 14:38

Hours spent doing nothing but sitting cuddly my sleeping DD.

Breastfeeding sadly didn't work for the two of us but her bottle feeds were also a magical bonding time; holding her warm little body close and looking into each others eyes, or watching her gradually fall asleep as she sucked.

I wish I'd been able to breast-feed (many tears shed) but bottle-feeding really does give you (and other members of the family) special times too.

Wallace · 12/11/2011 14:47

Sitting holding them when they are sleeping.

Also I really loved taking a shower with mine.

StetsonsAreCool · 12/11/2011 14:54

Octavia! That's the smell! When DD was born everyone kept talking about the amazing newborn smell - complete strangers would take a great lungful of sniff from her head, and all the while I just kept thinking 'but that smells like me fanjo '

It was time and breastfeeding that I think helped me bond. But it really didn't come straight away. It must have been about 6-7 weeks before I felt utterly beside myself with adoration. Even now, 17 months later, it takes me by surprise some days just how fiercely I love her and I know I didn't feel that strongly last time it hit me.

Familydilemma · 12/11/2011 18:28

Day to day, I question my bond. Stuff gets in the way. But when someone does something to upset them or I can't get to them...out comes the mummy tiger. And baby breath from my four month old is so treacly sweet. Holding them when asleep and you're released from worry or decisions for a while.

Familydilemma · 12/11/2011 18:31

Going out without dd2, even when she's down for the night and I know she's unlikely to need me for a bit feels so wrong. And even when my six year old is unexpectedly out, at a friends house, I feel a bit of me has gone. The exasperating bit much of the time, granted, but a bit nonetheless! I think I've digressed a bit...

rarebreed · 12/11/2011 18:39

Had horrific birth with DD and didn't bond fo a long time

Had DS by ELCS in September, so was in hospital for a couple of nights, had a private room with a massive window, sat on the bed holding him for hours, staring out the window and talking to him, telling him how this time was going to be different i'm so glad we had that time alone together

Mishy1234 · 12/11/2011 18:41

Breastfeeding, co-sleeping and generally holding them all the time.

I suppose it's that physical closeness, like they are still part of you. Smell was really important too.

EMS23 · 12/11/2011 21:35

I had a rough birth with my 1yr old DD, then couldn't get BF established and ended up with PND.
I felt the first 5 months were about survival, not a bond as such.
Then she got chicken pox at 6 months and I sat up all night with her while she stared at me, like I was the only person in the whole world that mattered and I realised that finally, bloody finally, the bond had been formed.

I spent last night (her birthday) in tears for guilt over how crap I was those first few months.

ChrissasMissis · 12/11/2011 22:05

Rocking my DS to sleep. Even six months on, he still needs a little cuddling and humming to get him to a sleepy place. It's lovely, when it's just me and him, with the night light on, having a cuddle and singing to him whilst he watches me, until he drifts off to sleep. I try to memorise every moment because I know it won't last forever.

naturalbaby · 12/11/2011 22:09

carrying them in a sling - not the structured baby bjorn type carriers.
bf and co-sleeping - they would only snuggle up to me, nobody else.

letting them fall asleep in my arms like it's the best and only place in the world to sleep.

mumblecrumble · 12/11/2011 22:25

Agree with above but the first thing that came to my mind, and it might seem totally weird, was:

First night we were at home DD poohed everywhere... Biggest pooh she has ever done to this day. After around an hour of her screaming while we were wiping up, wondering where to put the baby bath, how to fill it, then how to empty it full of crappy water..... Our DD was clean and happy again. This made me feel like we were the ones this baby would rely on and that we could really make a difference to her life.

I was thinking about this tonight as DD aged 4 has ear ache and when I wiped her bottom,(had the runs) cleared her sick up and snuggled her snotty face [she was really upset...] she said 'I love you Mummy' and I remembered that first night at home.

Breast feeding is lovely too. And [slightly] cleaner.....

mumblecrumble · 12/11/2011 22:26

I also bottle fed and personally I found them to be as rewarding. I also found watching DH bottle feed DD as amazing as breast feeding her myself if that makes sense.

nulgirl · 12/11/2011 22:35

Definitely breast feeding. When their warm cheek is against your skin and you can hear the gulping noise and feel their jaw moving on your breast. . You then get the slight popping noise when they latch off and the little contented sigh.. The night feeds when we were totally alone and I could hear every little noise. I am not at all broody but the memories of those early feeds make me very nostalgic.

Jergens · 12/11/2011 22:46

Definitely breastfeeding and just holding her. I secretly loved it when she wouldn't nap in her cot as it meant she could fall asleep lying on my chest.. I loved those early days.

Also, the smell! It was amazing how once she was home with us, you could smell her whenever you came home and opened the front door. I wish I could bottle that smell.

cory · 13/11/2011 00:22

am I the only one wondering what conclusions are going to come out of this for the OPs design project?

a design that relies on intensifying the baby's smell, promoting breastfeeding and providing copious dirty nappies (with possible additional sick) for that caring experience...

Razamataz · 13/11/2011 12:48

Another one for smell here. I could sniff my 2 week old DS's head forever (and we've only given him two baths so far!). Conversely, the thing that really winds me up is when visitors wearing strong perfume or aftershave leave their mark on him. It may be a primitive hormone thing, but sniffing even a trace of someone else's smell on him drives me mad!

Jergens · 13/11/2011 15:03

Totally agree Razmataz! I felt the same.

InMyPrime · 13/11/2011 15:21

Just looking at my DS (now 5 weeks) and holding / cuddling him was enough for me. I felt an immediate bond. Co-sleeping has also been great - it's so lovely to see his little head snuggled into my chest and rising and falling as I breathe.

It's a good thing we did bond well from the outset because I have to say breastfeeding was a nightmare from the very beginning - it just caused me pain and caused him frustration because there was a problem with the latch and he never seemed to get full. I felt I was causing him pain and frustration so I felt bf actually damaged the bond between us. Things are better now but at the beginning I just felt that feeding was getting in the way of my otherwise good relationship with DS. Now it's a nice treat that we do a couple of times a day but mostly he's ff. Sometimes bf can be nice, especially if he falls asleep on me afterwards so I can see how if it works it can help the bond but it didn't work so well for us.

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