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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Can babies be spoilt?!

23 replies

Firstbabypanic · 11/11/2011 22:07

my dh has said I'm spoiling our baby by picking her up all the time when she cries. She's my first baby and I just want to make her happy, she's 4months now and up until recently a little super star. However she has started to cry for many reasons... when I don't pick her up, when I'm not entertaining her and also now waking up constantly at night from 3am. I feel I've been going on instinct bit now starting to doubt myself, especially asbaby is so upset all the time! Any advice... Or have I spoilt her?!

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soupmaker · 11/11/2011 22:13

In short, no. My DD was never very settled, but other mums I know mentioned a stage about 4 months when their DC's got a bit unsettled and seemed to cry loads. Just keep cuddling her and follow your own instincts. Its very easy to get distracted by other people's opinions or what they tell you you should be doing - ignore the lot of them.

ThatsNotMyBabyBelly · 11/11/2011 22:15

No I don't think so.

I have always worked on the basis, fussing while I go for a wee, grab a drink etc, I ignore. Crying I don't.

All babies want at that age is sleep, comfort and food. It is up to us to provide that for them. Don't worry about the sudden night waking, that is normal, not picking her up will lead to a very distressed baby.

I think from 4 months they start to become more aware and are not happy to just lie there and watch anymore - am having this with dd2 who has gone from chilled to shouty at 5 months. It's the only way she has to show me she wants me to do something different.

But there is no need to pick her up at every whinge, sometimes they need to just be left, there is a big difference between a cry and a whinge though.

tigerlillyd02 · 11/11/2011 22:18

People all have their own ways and I personally don't think any way is right or wrong. I'd always had it drummed into me by lots of people not to spoil a baby. Looking back, I wish I'd picked up and cuddled my little one much more! I didn't realise until several months later that it doesn't do them any harm whatsoever (can even be a good thing) and then we more than made up for lost time!

4 months is still very young and she could just be going through a phase (one of many!). I'd stick to what you're doing and see how things are in a few weeks. If she's waking at night, could she be hungry?

helpmabob · 11/11/2011 22:20

The answer to your question is no - end of.

Lehman · 11/11/2011 22:22

Hello my son is the same age and I am a first timer too. I can't say I agree that you can spoil your baby with too much love. I guess what people may mean when they say that is that the baby isn't taught to self soothe? If I am putting my baby down to sleep I try to avoid keep picking him up too much and try to get him to fall asleep in his cot by himself. I do think that if babies get used to being rocked, cuddled etc to sleep then this can make life difficult as they come to depend on it but other than teaching your baby to sleep I say cuddle away.

101North · 11/11/2011 22:23

aaaw. you are showing your baby that her cries are taken notice of. What's wrong about that?

musttidyupmusttidyup · 11/11/2011 22:26

No. Its just another one of those things that DMs and MILs say . Agree with grizzle-ignore, cry-cuddle. No such thing as too many cuddles.

ShowOfHands · 11/11/2011 22:30

Yes. You can spoil their faith in you by not responding to their only method of communication.

RitaMorgan · 11/11/2011 22:34

You can't spoil a baby with love!

Research has shown that babies who are responded to quickly and consistently when they are little, actually cry less as older babies - you are putting in the groundwork of your child's personality and future relationships now by making her feel secure, loved and safe with you.

musttidyupmusttidyup · 11/11/2011 22:34

Yes. You can spoil their faith in you
That's so . Hope my DCs always have faith in me

squirrel007 · 11/11/2011 22:55

I'm at the same stage, and my 4 month DD has suddenly become extra fussy and is waking up much more in the night. Reading up, there is a developmental leap at this age, which causes extra fussiness, and can last a few weeks. It definitely feels like she is gaining lots of new skills quickly and hasn't quite made sense of them all yet. And friends from antenatal classes are finding a similar thing, so I think it's quite normal :)

Octaviapink · 12/11/2011 06:19

SoH is absolutely right - you can break their faith in you.

But not only that - you can retard their brain development by not picking them up when they cry - or in fact keeping them as close to you as you can manage all the time. Babies need as much physical human contact as can be managed. ALL the research shows that babies who are held a lot develop better in nearly every way. Your DH might like to read What Every Parent Needs To Know - it's a very readable summary of all the current research into babies' development and there's some excellent stuff about physical contact.

mumofthreekids · 12/11/2011 08:47

Remember my MIL saying the same thing! It's harder though when it's your DH.

Spoil is a very emotive word, you definitely can't spoil a 4m baby and she needs those cuddles. However I agree it's OK to let her fuss for a bit, you needn't leap up and grab her as soon as she makes a sound.

It's easy to get stressed about other people's 'well-meaning' comments. As she gets older you will gain more confidence in yourself as a mum and the way you choose to parent your baby.

perceptionreality · 12/11/2011 08:50

No, you can't. You're doing all the right things - babies need to be picked up and often. Children of this age will go through many different patterns of sleep and behaviour before it's constant.

Sparklingbrook · 12/11/2011 08:59

Get cuddling. I 'spoilt' my two by picking them up when they cried and they are now 9 and 12 and seem unharmed! It all goes too quickly so make the most of it.

ShowOfHands · 12/11/2011 11:59

Why Love Matters is also a very, very good book if you're interested in some research. And I do recommend The Wonder Weeks book too.

I have conducted a very scientific experiment with a sample size of one. I held dd, picked her up as soon as she needed me, in fact I rarely put her down. Partly because I chose to parent that way, partly because I had ptsd/pnd and was terrified and sort of clinging to her BUT what I have now is a 4yo who is so independent, confident and secure that I struggle to believe I produced her.

DS is only 10wo and has been similarly parented though entirely through choice as I'm emotionally and mentally well this time round and he's just starting to come out of the needing me 24hrs a day bit and can be put down and will coo/giggle/play on his own. I know I've got about 4 weeks until the 4 month regression begins in earnest and it will be very, very hard for weeks but will of course revert to 24hr cuddles if that's what it takes. Not that I suggest everybody does it this way, of course not. But you won't spoil them if you do.

Original poster

Firstbabypanic · 12/11/2011 22:38

You've all made me feel so much better! Thank you... Bring on the cuddles!

OP posts:

bankholiday · 13/11/2011 13:40

The Wonder Weeks is indeed a great books, it makes you understand why they can become fussy at times and also explains about the sleep regressions. Agree with all the previous posters, human touch is essential and it doesn't mean you will end up with a spoiled child. DS is 9 months and very independent now (although I know this might change again), he actually prefers to self settle most of the time and as soon as I pick him up he starts wriggling because he wants to be on the floor crawling. Oh, how I miss those newborn cuddles..

Maybe you could point out to your DH that the most recent research actually shows that the best thing you can do for your baby is to cuddle them as much as possible and respond to their crying. It's as necessary as nutrition for them.

IsItMeOr · 13/11/2011 13:54

I found that picking DS up when he was unhappy made both of our lives a lot easier. It still has done until very recently (2.8mo), as he has now got into some very physically expressive outbursts when he hasn't got his way, so it's safer for both of us if I give him a little space (just so that he doesn't kick me, but staying where he can see me and reassuring him that I'm there when he wants me).

I'd be cautious of the recommended books, as What Every Parent Should Know is not an impartial explanation of the current research evidence. I'm not sure I managed to find one for that age. I did find the Tavistock series Understanding your 2 year old was good for our current age/stage, and doesn't try to be a parenting manual, just tries to stick to giving you the facts and let's you decide for yourself what to do about it, without the side order of guilt. Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of fascinating and useful info in WEPSW, but the author does have a personal axe to grind, which may not be helpful if you're feeling vulnerable already. IMHO and IME.

Jergens · 13/11/2011 14:05

How can showing love and affection to your baby and responding to their efforts to communicate be a bad thing? I think you're doing what your baby needs. Go with your instincts.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 13/11/2011 14:11

What everyone else said, and I'll also repeat the people who have said: four months is HARD. I was expecting the sleep regression aspect, but I wasn't expecting the whole landscape to shift the way it did. DD, who was always a child who wanted a lot of physical affection and attention, was just incredibly, incredibly needy at that age. Needed a lot of work to get her to nap, even on me, needed to have my full attention and physical contact all the time, and still seemed dissatisfied.

And I wasn't doing anything wrong, it's just that a lot of Very Important Stuff was happening for her, cognitively, around then, and she needed extra reassurance. That sounds like what you're experiencing as wel.

DD is now a very, very happy and confident and loving three year old, incidentally, although she does still insist on a lot of physical affection!

reallytired · 13/11/2011 15:43

A four month old baby is far to dim to be malipulative. You can't spoil a baby under year old or even some cases 18 months.

Four months is a hard age because your lo is constantly hungry yet too young to digest proper food. It has also dawned on her that she is dependent on you for survial and is completely helpless. She will be starting to experience seperation anxiety.

It does get easier.

matana · 13/11/2011 20:02

No, your LO will go through lots of fussy stages in their first year and beyond, your job is to get them through it by whatever means necessary - distraction, kisses and cuddles, fun, music - whatever it takes. Whenever i start to worry that my DS has turned into a clingy, fussy, grumpy little monster he usually develops a cold, gets a new tooth, or masters a new skill shortly afterwards. The most important thing in their first year is to feel secure. Feeling secure gives them the confidence to go and explore the world as they get older, in the sure knowledge that you will be there when they really need it. It's hard at times, and don't feel bad on the occasions when it's simply not possible to attend to her immediately, but these phases do pass eventually. Four months is still very young.
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