My 6 year old DS has turned into a 14 year old emo....

[queenrollo]

I have shared care of DS. He's with me half the week and his dad the other half. We're both having the same behaviour so i think it's just a developmental phase.

The last couple of weeks i've thought he's been going through another growth spurt. He's eating us out of house and home. His face is getting chubby. He's being stroppy. He's wanting to spend time with his dad and my DH rather than me and his step-mum. All of these things usually precede him growing upwards by a few inches, seemingly overnight.

This time though the stroppy behaviour is getting very hard to deal with and is now being accompanied by lots of 'i hate my life' and 'it's not fair'. We're consistent with discipline, using the same methods and language in both households.

He is normally such a joy to be with. Full of affection and very funny.
Tonight at bedtime he got very upset and said he doesn't think we want him . He said we're so mean to him all the time. I've had a chat and he does understand that his behaviour hasn't been that brilliant and that he's being told off and losing computer time as a consequence of his behaviour.

Tomorrow I've promised him that we'll make his favourite milkshake and have lots of intensive 'together' time.

Is this a normal 6 year old phase? It's unusual for it to be so extreme with him, it really is like living with a 14 year old boy at the moment.

It sounds like the half and half thing is getting to him....most adults would find that tough...also he's older now and school is kicking in more...the work will be harder etc.

Is he getting to bed at a good time? Does he get quality time with you in the week when he's with you? How aabout when he's at his Dads?

He's Home Educated so when he's with us he's actually getting quality time with both families. His dad works at weekends so that's when I have him, and there's loads of flexibility (for all of us) to accommodate holidays etc.
He goes up to bed at 7pm every night and we spend about an hour reading to him, having cuddles and it's usually this part of the day that he talks to us if anything's bothering him.

He has struggled with the half and half on occasion in the past and so we've given him more control at those times over what time he spends where and usually after a couple of weeks he's asking to go back to the normal routine.
I had a chat with DH last night and it made me realise that it could be the time of year. His dad's work means he is usually busier in Dec and I wonder if DS is remembering the impact this has on their time together. I need to have a chat with his dad about his work schedule for this year as their household circumstances have changed, and he actually won't need to take on as much work this year. If it is this which is playing on DS mind then we need to let him know this year won't be as disrupted as previous years.

Oh I see! So he's not in a position where he's moved on a year at school...is he socialising with other kids? Im sure you have ll that under wraps....but if so then its a hard one to answer.

Looking at your problem as an outsider, could it be that he's pushing your buttons a bit? Maybe he's seen how affected you get when he says these things....could he be after a bit of drama?

I was like this as a child....if nothing exciting was going on, I would invent something! Maybe he might benefit from one of those drama clubs like Stagecoach?

are you my son?

He has most certainly button pushed in the past. In the days when I was still coming to terms with the change of circumstances he would often say he loved daddy more than me. Of course the first time he said it i burst into tears - and so he kept saying it to provoke a reaction. As soon as I stopped reacting he stopped saying it!
He is the sort of child who gets upset if he has genuinely upset me, but conversely will put on a film he knows makes me cry and then watches me at the appropriate moment.

The socialising thing has been pretty good, though one family we see regularly have been out of the loop due to a new baby and as they are a big family I think maybe he's missing them. We should be back to regular weekly meets with them next week though.
He's just been invested at Beavers (and is very proud of that) and a friend is setting up a drama/dance group so we're waiting for that to get going as it will be tailored to his personal style. He is always 'performing' for anyone who will watch/listen.(we are a musical family, and surrounded by 'performers' of one sort or another)

Thank you for your posts, it helped me gain some clarity about a few things.

Watching with interest as you have just described exactly what we've experienced just recently with DS ( he's 7 1/2 though)

We've had the same intuition re: growth spurt. Seems like they understand a lot more too but have not enough experience of emotions and situations to make sense of it.
They don't yet understand anticipation and its a very immediate response with very basic emotions like anger, sadness.
Yes do talk it through, it sinks in eventually, good luck.

Ah....there you go then! He does sound dramatic and creative and as "one of those kids" myself, I well remember needing some drama around me...you sound like you've got a good set up though...maybe he could start work on some drama type activities at home?

There's lots you can do that's drama related alone...he could build a theatre and puppets, devise a show and put it on with your help. He could watch musicals on DVD and learn the songs....gah...now I want to H.E.!

It always appeals when I speak to othrs who do it!

we always have a busy summer with lots of festivals and gatherings with large groups of people. Lots of extra outlet for his exuberance. We do need downtime at home too though, and it's trying to get that through to him.
He's go tup this morning and where i sometimes have a battle to do 'learning' with him immediately asked me about otters (before my first morning cuppa too and made my brain ache) and that led to an hour on the computer where we went from water loving mammals to volcanoes (i don't know how that happened)
He's going to help DH cut down a tree later and we'll maybe go for a loooonnnggg walk to try and run of some of his energy!