Please help me help shy DD Yr4

[feetheart]

DD is 8.9 and in Yr4.
She seems very confident, articulate and, at times, bossy with friends and family but at school and out and about it can be very different. She doesn't often speak up in class although she often has good ideas or knows the answer (this from every teacher she has had so far), she is now able to pay for things in shops but a few weeks ago was completely incapable of asking an assistant for what she wanted in a sweet shop - she just went mute then got really upset, probably not helped by me insisting that if she wanted the sweets she would have to ask herself but she couldn't even answer when the assistant pointed at things and all she had to do was nod.

I am really struggling with this as I just don't understand - I have always been confident (and probably quite cocky as a child) so its not in my realm of experience at all.

Please help me to try and understand what DD is going through and how I can help her.

Thanks for getting this far.

My DD is 7 and in year three and has always been this way....I am (or was) too.

Making her ask for things in shops is downright cruel and I am not trying to make you feel bad but as someone who has suffered all my life with crippling shyness, I know how she would have felt.

It's terrible and you feel it physically....sick..shaky....my DD was selectively mute when at age 3 she began at nursery...fine at home but not ONE word did she speak at nursery.....nothing for about 7 months.

I have been very careful not to push her into stuations which will make her uncomfortable but to arrange activities which I know she will enjoy. So...she didn't want to go to Brownies, so I tried her with Gymnastics where parents could stay...she was great with that.

She has slowly come out of herself and I am careful not to ever make shyness into a negative thing. It's such a Western preconception that it is best to be outgoing and loud or confident....in Asia, people who say little but listen well are admired. I told this to DD and she has since discussed with me, why she gets afraid in crowds or in situations where the attention will be on her.

She has felt afraid she will say the wrong thing or a silly thing...so I have worked with her on things where she's "allowed" to be wrong and silly...we play silly word games a lot and we talk about what she might do if she were in a situation where all the attention was on her and she DID say/do the "wrong" thing....she's realised that people are wrong and silly lots...and it's fine! It's about learning to let yourself fail a little bit as only then can you succeed.

Let DD be shy....she WILL grow out of it with lots of acceptance from you....I did. I was terribly shy, I pushed myself as a teen into situations whcih would make a confident person quake and as such have largely ained a lot of confidence. But....I STILL get frozen at times and I have to work very hard on not isolating myself.

I have however accepted my shyness and sometimes I tell people....they are often amazed...telling other people is such a relief as those who don't feel it can't understand otherwise.

Thank you, that is just what I need to hear.

I did feel awful after the shop incident and know I didn't handle it well. It made me realise just how much I don't understand but I knew MN would enlighten me.

Very interested in the cultural differences too, DD will relate to that quite well I think.

I disagree that making her ask for things is cruel. She is almost nine - at that age most children start to go out locally with friends, to the shops or swimming or bowling. It's really important that she can talk to people, not just to communicate her wishes, but in case she gets lost, or needs to get help from someone.

There a difference between being loud and outgoing, and just having the confidence to ask for what she wants in a shop.

Things like drama classes, or even brownies and guides are good ways to build confidence. Does she do any extra curricular activities?

Almost 9 or not, all children develop their confidence at different rates...almost 9 is still very young and forcing her to speak is going against her grain...like shoving a non-swimmer in the pool.

As an ex drama teacher (Stagecoach) I can honestly say that drama classes for shy DC are the WORST idea...at least for some of them.

I lost count of the shy kids who were shunted out to me on a Saturday morning....amongst supremely confident kids who would leap up to sing/dance/ joke ...whilst the shy ones stood around in terror lest they were called upon.

Of course I never made them do anything they did not want to...and all the teachers actively encouraged them in small ways...but it's not an atmosphere where a shy child can feel confident or comfortable. Far better are gentle clubs such as arts based ones. My DD has just joined a children's sewing circle and she loves the quiet and creative atmosphere. Riding lessons can be GREAT for shy girls...they really get so much from commanding a big animal and the skills they pick up do seem to boost confidence levels.

OP, start with gettng her to say thank you or bye' as you leave the shops...the next step could be saying hello as she enters....little baby steps are best.

I would also not make too much of it with her. I was labelled as shy as a child. If I clammed up in any situation my Mum would immediately excuse my behaviour by telling people how shy I was and after a while it was the excuse I welcomed for not trying to be more confident.

You know she is not shy at home so she just needs her confidence building when out and about and at school. My DD is just the same and I have tried not to make a big thing out of it. Even tiny things (to you) can bring confidence to her. In shops talk with her if something needs asking about to an assistant, see if she wants to ask, if not then you ask with her next to you to hear the conversation. Next time see if she'll do it.

My DD has grown in confidence at school by being given responsibilities in class e.g handing out letters, collecting in homework. It brings attention to her without her having to speak iyswim. I talked it over with her (very understanding) teacher at a parents evening (Y4) and he agreed to help without putting pressure on her. I has helped her immensely and this term (Y6) she has put herself forward for school council. She's still shy but she has seen that she can push herself forward without collapsing into tears/feeling embarassed and do things that really she'd like to do.

DD does Brownies and dancing outside of school.
She is actually in the annual show next week, 300+ dancers in front of a packed theatre! She did it last year and inspite of being very nervous she loved it which surprised me. On further questioning she said it was because she could only see a few people :o

Actually, I've just remembered, we were at something last week and she went to the local shop twice with a friend - the first time she has done this as we live too far to let her go. Must ask her how she managed.

Lots of things to think about - thank you for taking the time.

DD3 is 19 and still shy. She is Dyspraxic and also had another another learning difficulty. She used to not speak to people she didn't know very well as she was afraid of saying the wrong thing Anyway she did join a local Drama club at 11 and it did boost her confidence. She is now in the oldest youth class. Anyway we found she was better when we wet n't there and that's still true to some extent. If we are with her she will still look at us for reassurance. But saying that she now does voluntary work in
a charity shop and has to speak to customers.
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