In need of help!!

[claire8553]

I have a 3.5 yr old daughter and her behaviour is so bad!! Feels like she doesn't listen, fussy eater won't sit for two minutes and eat her food then says she doesn't want it so gets nothing else doesn't seem to bother her though! Tantrums because things don't happen at a click of a finger, nightmare while out at shops/restaurant won't sit runs around! Laughs when you tell her off, won't go on the naughty step just runs off doesn't matter how many times u put her back she hits me! I feel like all I do is shout at her from the minute she gets up in the morning till she goes to bed at night! But still makes no difference probably just worse as she shouts and screams back!! The list is endless and I don't know where to start haha!! Help!! Xxz

Toddler taming. Ignore as much as possible (obv not hitting etc). FWIW, I found 3-4 much harder than 2-3 with DS1 as he was much more sophisticated about pushing the boundaries. It did pass, honest (now dd2 turns 3 in a couple of weeks and I think we may be headed the same way...)
Can you get a bit of a break? It all seems worse when it's in your face all day every day

I don't have time to reply now but I will be back! :) DS is 4 and his behavior went completely downhill at that age.

I've been there and done that..So I know how hard it is to think straight.
But, here goes...

First, you have to think of it from her point of view. You are much bigger than her. Adults are quite scarey when they shout and scream; she may be just defending herself or imitating you when she screams. If you shout at her a lot she probably doesn't know the difference between really bad behaviour and just irritating behaviour.

She is getting attention for screaming, just in the same way you expect her to give you attention when you scream at her. So you are reinforcing her pattern of bad behaviour, even when you think you are trying to enforce good behaviour.

She is only little, so her concentration and listening skills are not highly developed. Shops and restaurants at that age for some children are very stressful, even if for adults they seem like a treat. Some children are fidgets and don't sit still for long.

When children are fussy eaters their appetites can shut down - they genuinely don't feel hungry because the meal time is too stressful for them. Bad associations with mealtimes cause a kneejerk reaction to food. She also may not need as much food as you think. Could you feed her healthy snacks (little sandwiches, milk, bits of fruit) at scheduled points in the day to break the bad meal association? My dd was terrible at mealtimes; I know see it was a stress reaction to being told to eat things, and also an attention seeking device. She had a tantrum at most meals. I can't believe I let the situation get so out of hand...I should have sat with her and chatted, and stopped worrying what she ate or how she ate it, and I genuinely think I could have then defused the windups and the demands (which incidentally, never happened when she was at someone else's house!)

I could go on...but there is a wonderful book which I URGE you to read called
HOW TO TALK SO CHILDREN LISTEN AND LISTEN SO CHILDREN TALK. It doesn't mention naughty steps but it explains how to get children on your side so that they do what you want, and what they want, which deep down, believe it or not, is please their parents.

A bit of Supernanny which is completely overlooked is that she tries to "Involve "Children as well as putting them on the naughty step. Try finding good things to say to your little girl every hour, notice all the things she does well, even if it's just choosing a particular toy to play with, tell her in very specific ways what you like her doing, not what you dislike her doing.

Good luck, take a deep breath, you can turn things around. And 3 year olds are a total windup, it is not just you! But she is only 3 and you are a grownup, therefore reasonable

Right now it feels like its getting worse I have her 24/7 basically unless she is in nursery 3 full days a week! Stressful yes been trying to ignore a lot but like u say it Is hard! On my own so bit harder!!
I will look up that book thanks for ur advice will take on ur tips just all over the place just now but like u say we feel like we r giving them treats she gets everything going but now starting to realise its not buying them something all the time that makes them happy it's maybe just the sittin down playing with them spending time with them that they appreciate more!! If u have the time but when they play up n start being naughty you just loose it and dnt wanna do stuff like that as they r being bad n would just come across n give them mixed signals!!
Thanks tho xxx

claire, so agree with treats thing..I think dd didn't know what she wanted really - the more she got given the worse she behaved. She loved havign people to play with, little people I mean, and I noticed she was completely at ease with her little friends...so perhaps some of my dd's bad behaviour was social frustration; she just wanted friends to play with.

Also dd was v. easily tired, and needed much more sleep than I gave her credit for, so you could check she is getting early nights and some quiet time as well as busy days. I think even just sitting with them on the sofa reading a story is a good non confrontational way of "playing"

Yeah agree sleep is the main problems because it's always worse at 4pm onwards but she will not go for a sleep during the day when my mum used to watch her two days a week. While I worked she used to just go up2 sleep for a good couple of hours so it was needed and behaves really well for her the minute I come home from work all hell breaks loose hAha keep thinking to myself is it me age hates!! Probably cause all I do is shout!! Haha but feel sometimes it's the only way to get through to her but obviously not maybe just makes me feel better for shouting thinking its the easy way out but doesn't all level itself out! Will try the ignoring and cut out the I want I get or give things just for giving them!! And shouting has to stop!! Will b hard but it's probably the problem of it all as she doesn't know when I'm angry with her and giving her into trouble for doing wrong or when she's pushing the limit as I just shout regardless for both reasons xx

sometimes I found I shouted because I felt very upset and angry with myself for finding myself in situation with awful needy rude child, and how had it happened that things had got so bad etc etc, I must be to blame..cue feelings of low self esteem etc, panic...

So start by thinking about all the good things you do; say as a sort of mantra to yourself I am a good mother and a loving mother and I am very proud of myself for having this beautiful child and managing to look after her for the last three years. Give yourself a pat on the back before you even start reacting to her behaviour. I know you have to be kind to yourself (not self pitying) before you can get the strength to deal with difficulties. Make a list of all the things you value about yourself about as a mother eg: I like the way I've encouraged her to have a good relationship with her gran. I like the way I've taught her to dress herself, I like the way I give her lots of running around time...