Concerned about my dd's friend (5yo): what do I do?

[marjean]

I don't know where to put this. If anyone has any better locations for this thread, please let me know, thanks.

My dd has a school friend who lives close by. I have often invited her around to play. Every time she comes, she will not speak to me or my dh. She also will not eat, despite me offering foods I know she likes. If I ask her open questions, I get no response, so I mainly ask questions to which she can nod or shake her head. I think she joins in when playing with dd and siblings, but I have never heard her communicate. She would appear to me, very unhappy, certainly lacking in confidence and even damaged in some way.

I don't want to put much about her home life on the off-chance it would identify her/us. However, she lives with her mum who has just had a baby. She has one much older sibling, who lives close by. The father of the mum's baby is on and off the scene. I have known her for a year, so whilst it may seem her behaviour may be related to the new baby, she has been like this since I first met her.

Anyway, my question is: should I do anything about it? I have described her behaviour to her mum but she doesn't seem concerned. Would it be out of order to speak to her teacher?

She just sounds incredibly shy to me. What specifically makes you think that she's 'damaged' that's a huge conclusion to jump to - and a potentially dangerous one if you're considering talking to other people about it.

What did her mum say when you asked her about it?

Nothing you've written rings any alarm bells at all to me to be honest...

The mum might already know about it and be dealing with it. Isn't it called selective mutism and as far as I know the best thing to do is not make a big deal of it.

Sorry, I don't think you've given enough information for anyone to give you constructive advice. Clearly she's sociable and communicative enough to be friends with your dd, though. I don't think a 5-year old should be obliged to talk to a friend's parents, or deemed to be damaged for not feeling able to, so you'd need more than that and an on-and-off-the-scenes father of the girl's sibling to go on if you wanted to express your concerns elsewhere.

I'd have thought that if it was a problem then the teacher would have noticed.

I hated to eat at other people's houses even when it was food I liked, I still find it a struggle, but as a shy girl I was always afraid they would say "do have some XXX" that I didn't like and I wouldn't be able to say "No I don't like it." So I would prefer to refuse all foods than have a potential situation where I had something on my plate I didn't like.

Thanks for your replies. I thought very carefully about the wording of my post and did not use any terminology lightly. There is further information but I don't feel comfortable disclosing it on here. It reveals some difficulties about asking advice on an internet forum - many of my concerns may seem minor and are difficult to put into words but cumulatively, paint a worrying picture. I too was a shy child and spoke rarely, if at all, to friends' parents. However, it is more her acute shyness with her demeanour on top of what I know about her home life that is of concern.

DeWe - I work in schools. It is a common belief that someone else will have picked up on concerns one may have but sadly, that is not always the case.

Thanks anyway.

If you feel the child is at risk, contact social services. They will be in a position to decide if help/action is needed.

Too often, no one does anything, and the child continues to suffer.

Hi have you considered that the child may have autism?????? My daughter has high functioning autism and I stopped telling people because of the way they reacted (ie) no playmates etc she won't talk to adults until she knows them and can appear rude or won't speak at all xxxxx

Obviously your concerns are not about the things you can tell us but about the things you can't- so go on your gut instincts and react on those.

What you describe could be either extreme shyness or SN- so you have to think about the bits you can't describe.

My 5 year old son, who is being observed for ADHD is like this. I'd hate to think that his refusal to speak, means I am being judged by others.

Not sure about the food thing - there's no way DS would ever refuse chocolate. Are you sure she just doesn't like the foods on offer?

Apologies, hadn't read your second post. Seems you have other concerns