Older Toddler Hitting

[liamsdaddy]

My wife has the problem that our DS (31 months) is getting increasingly violent towards her.

Generally it occurs when he is misbehaving and has either a toy taken away or looses his TV time. But it can occur at any time that he is prevented from doing something that he wants. I don't tend to get it so much, possibly as I tend to play more physically with him.

Are there any good strategies for this? Currently we have a few things we currently do:

Either (1) put him back into the high chair in confinement in the kitchen - but he is getting to the weight and strength where I would start to worry about his ability to tip it over or break the plastic (one of his new bad habits it rocking it from side to side when he has finished eating)

(2) send him to his bedroom as confinement

(3) Remove even more toys and privileges until he has none left - but this can be ineffective and if he is still being naught after all the toys are gone - what do you do next?

(4) If he was naughty before supper then we always have the option of removing the ice cream he has as pudding.

I don't believe that he is at the age where having a penalty roll over to the next day will work.

He isn't the most verbal of boys his age, so some of it will be frustration at the inability to fully communicate (he can do a few hundred words, mostly he misses syllables when he speaks). He isn't going to nursery - but starts pre-school in January.

So, any suggestions?

He's A: Too old for a highchair

and B: Too small to send off to his room

If I have this right, he is hitting when your wide stops him from doing something which he shouldnt? In that case, it can be helpful to look at the thiings h is engaging in that she doesn't want him to....and why he is doing it.

is he bored? Does he do thiings when she is busy as a way of gaining attention?

WIFE...not wide sorry!

Other strategies are to avoid getting into these situations in the first place. So what does he want to do? Is it really worth the fight - can you make changes, put things out of reach etc etc.

Also what about spending positive time with him where he dictates play. Take him to the park, let him explore, let him decide what he wants to do etc etc (within reason), but you can do this at points in the day. Also involve him in day to day chores - the point isn't to actually get anything done, more to show and spend time with him (e.g. DS loves to help me clean the kitchen and do the washing up).

If he gets frustrated, can you/your wife acknowledge it? It works a treat in calming DS down (e.g. DS wants the knife, so he knows I understand, then say no knife, dangerous or something).

Agree with Iggly - choose your battles carefully. I find with my 25m toddler that a softly softly approach can work better. Eg this morning I tried to take off his PJs to get him dressed. He started kicking up a fuss, so instead of forcing the issue I stopped - he immediately pulled them back on. I left it for a few seconds, then said 'Come on DS2, let's take off your PJs!' and soon he started taking them off himself. Toddlers can be contrary!

When you do need to punish him I think that your strategies are good (except the high chair one which sounds dangerous).

If you do not see immediate results this doesn't mean your punishments are wrong, just that your toddler is pushing the boundaries. Keep calm, be consistent, don't give up.

The mind of a toddler or adult is unknowable - unless we suddenly become telepaths!

Umm, OK lets have some situations and see how we should be avoiding them:

• He wants to put his feet on the kitchen table at mealtimes (ok, getting rid of a high chair will make this more difficult)
• He throws toys across the room (and then strops when it is taken away)
• He refuses to be strapped into a car-seat (sometimes you can't just avoid going out)
• He jumps on and off the furniture
• etc, etc

Yes, he does get to mostly direct his play and help with doing the chores (this is in fact one of the favoured distractions).

Yes, he does get it acknowledges, but sometimes he will just carry on regardless of how many times it's explained that he should't (this is most likely attention seeking)

Most of the time his behaviour is perfectly OK. It's just dealing with those occurrences where his mischievous side comes to the top.

I don't think unknowable - you can always guess.

Feet on table - DS does this, we tell him to dangle his feet, no big deal made about it otherwise it becomes about attention. He rarely does it.

Strapping into a carseat - I usually talk to DS about what we're doing while sorting him out otherwise he wants to do it and gets upset. So distraction.

Throwing toys - I say no and encourage him to throw a ball instead. Or show/tell him what to do with his toys.

Jumping - we've taught him how to get down carefully. Sometimes he wants to jump, I tell him to sit on his bottom and slide off.

DS has been going through a phase of kicking off - he was tired from losing sleep after being ill. Once he'd got over it, he was a lot easier to deal with! I find that if I get annoyed, it's harder and be patient when patience can actually diffuse a situation (although can take a bit longer sometimes).

Get rid of the high chair and get him a booster if he needs one. My guess is he's thrwoing toys when he wants attention. Usually by hs age they KNOW what's allowed and what's not...they suss what get's Mum's attention and do the "bad things" to get her to give attention. They don't care if it's negative they just want it.

When my DD begins to act up...I usually say "No throwing things...pick them up and we'l have a story/make some dough" or whatever...then once she's picked it up we get on with things.

Have you tried the ignoring tactic? A friend of mine suggested leaving the room when I was trying to get DS1 to stop jumping on the sofa. I thought 'what a stupid idea, that will just give him free rein to jump as much as he likes!'. But I tried it and it worked - he got off the sofa and followed me out of the room. They hate not being the centre of attention!

We are going down the bribery route for now.

There is some chocolate ice-cream in the freezer that is marked as "Mummies" and he is only allowed to have any if he has been nice to his mother - which means no kicking, no hitting, no biting, no pulling hair. So far that seems to work.

He is now in a booster, which solves another issue - he can't get his feet on the table now. Although he does like playing footsie with both of us.

Of course he is finding other areas to push the boundaries, now he thinks it's fun to run away and hide from daddy when out for a walk. Fortunately there is a large area of playing fields nearby!