How to build a child's confidence? V grateful for suggestions...

[livesinashoe]

Not sure if this is the right place to post; most of the posts in this area seem to be about younger kids & babies. But any advice is welcome & also tell me if there's a better area to post this in.

DD is 7 & not very confident - shes always been shy & quiet, but we're getting increasingly concerned that she can't stand up for herself and that's she's got very low self-esteem.

What have other people found helpful for their kids (or would have found helpful when they were kids?). Are there any classes/groups that people run that might help?

Hi we have had similar issues. I recommend a nice drama class that she could go to, they can be very effective at building confidence. Another effective thing is to take her to a kids' rock climbing place, They are very good with the kids and the sense of achievement does wonders for them. I also used to do 5 minutes of worry time a day where mine could talk for 5 minutes about any worries and then the rest of the day would be devoted to ore positive talking. If I think of anything else I will add more posts.

It may be though that her nature is just shy and quiet which does not necessarily mean she has low self esteem. Has she displayed any other signs?

Thanks helpmabob, I was wondering about a drama class. What have your experiences been with one? (She would need a lot of encouragement to even try one I think). Rock-climbing would be good too - dh& I used to do it pre-dc :).

Yes, her nature is just quiet - that in itself isn't what worries me; I'm not loud & would never be the centre of a party; but she struggles socially much more than I can remember doing. For example at school this year in a new class (new to everyone), she went whole days without saying anything at all to anyone else on her table as she didn't know them. I talked to the teacher about it, and she (and others) was moved so she was on a table with friends.

Unfortunately after that there were some girly issues (cliquey/'I'm best friends with so-and-so today' type things). She'd always been close friends with one girl in particular, and when she started being cliquey dd didn't seem to be able to join in with other kids very well; even though there are plenty she knows quite well.

There are other things - that I'm not sure about sharing online; but it isn't just that she's quiet.

Poor love, I was just like your little girl as a child.

I did a course in protective behaviours and it suggested helping the child to build up a network. I think that helpmabob's suggestion of a five minute worry time is excellent.

I think a drama class outside school would help your little girl, especially if she makes friends outside school. Its also worth picking hobbies that she enjoys. Is she sporty, does she enjoy music, art? Do you have hobbies that you could share. Although this is not for everyone, my son has made a lot of friends by going to church.

I think you need to be very proactive organising playdates and try and make friends yourself with mums who have a daughter who is a similar age to yours.

I am sure that your little girl will overcome her shyness as you are clearly a caring mother.

Reallytired - did anything help you? When (did?) you overcome you shyness?
Yes, she could do with a network of friends - most of my friends either have boys (which she's not into!) or very confident girls which tends not to help so much.

We've been trying to invite other friends from school round for tea etc. It's not easy to fit in with 2 younger siblings & me out working 11 hr days though!

She'd enjoy music lessons (which we may do in any case) but I'm wondering whether drama classes or maybe even martial arts might be more helpful for her?

Hi again, could you ask some of the other mums if they would be interested in doing any extra classes with their dd too such as the drama class and then it will help strengthen that friendship and you could do rotas as you sound very busy.

Also do the school do clubs, that might also help to strengthen bonds.

This would help with keeping playdates to a manageable number but I do think they are important as are out of school friends if possible.

Another club to think of is rainbows/brownies.

I think the drama did help and if your daughter is musical, many do singing and dancing too. But ime it is the actual drama element that is the most helpful. There are literally millions of them, so you could take a look at what is on offer and which is the best for your dd.

Some music classes are done in groups such as guitar but many are one:to:one and I don't know if bolstering her social interactions is more necessary.

And seeing as you did rock climbing it would be a lovely thing to do together, it has always been highly recommended as a great confidence boost.

Does your daughter have trouble relaxing: Because there are some lovely bedtime cds for that.

Also a lot of these clubs and drama places do holiday clubs which may be good for her.

oops dont know where that smiley face came from

Oh and I meant to add martial arts is also a good idea, another one great for improving self esteem. You don't need to these classes forever, she will find what she likes and then you will just do that.

I was going to suggest Brownies as well, and some play dates out of school, where she is more one to one with people so she can build up to bigger groups.

Thanks helpmabob - that's a good idea about asking round the other mums; I'll do that; would kill 2 birds etc.
Dh is very excited about the idea of rock-climbing, so we'll be doing that too!

But I think the social aspect is the most necessary - certainly the thing she seems to struggle with most is social stuff; she's gradually gained confidence that she can do other things but not so much with speaking up or starting conversations etc.

I've had a look for drama classes, but the only local ones I can find are 3hrs on a Sat morning (which clash with swimming!) and include singing (which is definitely not the thing to build her confidence! ). Will keep looking - maybe a holiday club as you said.

Thanks for the suggestions. One other thing - thinking about it she does always seem worried that she'll get into trouble/told off (e.g. if I ask why she didn't tell the teacher there was a problem etc) - is this because we're too strict with her? (I don't think we really are, certainly less so than my parents were!) But should we try to be less strict with her if this is the kind of thing she worries about?

"Reallytired - did anything help you? When (did?) you overcome you shyness?"

Neither my parents nor any of the schools I attended did anything to help me. I was hideously bullied as a child. Prehaps what is more upsetting is my parents total lack of empathy for the suffering I went through. I really felt like a worthless piece of shit. It really hurts that my parents did f*ck all to help me.

I think the biggest thing that helped me was going to uni as far away as possible from my parents. It really helped to build my social skills.

As a child I was in vicous circle of having weak social skills which lead to less social opportunities to develop such skills. I was desperate to have friends and I didn't know how. I was strange and probably would have been diagnose with aspergers if I was at school now.

With your help you can improve your daughter's social skills and confidence. Social confidence can be improved by practice.

Don't write off your daughter socialising with boys or very confident girls. It easier to socialise with such children in a one to one situation. Prehaps you could go somewhere netural like the zoo with one of these boys and his mother. Even if your daughter doesn't normally like boys, she can display good manners to the boy and be amicble. Boys have less developed social skills so it might be easier for your daughter to mix with one of your friends's sons in a one to one situation. If you are concerned that the children will not get on then invite the mother along.

When I was a child I was very quiet and retiring, and was prone to being bossed about by other kids. My parents have very similar temperaments to me.

I remember very clearly the various things my mum used to get me to do because she wanted to boost my confidence and get me to stand up for myself more - particularly one bedtime when she made me get out of bed and pretend to be a tough scary boxer, we were both jumping around the bedroom shadow-boxing and wetting ourselves with laughter. She also used to make me repeat 'I'm rough and tough and mean and nasty', in an appropriate voice - guaranteed to get a timid very polite little girl to crack up with giggles. It in no way turned me into a rough, tough mean nasty little girl, but it sort of made me see that I had that option open to me, if you see what I mean? She still makes me say it occasionally, although I'm much more self-confident now!

I have no idea if this would help your little girl, I think it definitely helped me. Not so sure about my mum's insistence that an exam is 'a wonderful opportunity to show everyone how clever you are!' - was never quite convinced by that one.

I think to build up DCs confidence it is good to:

1. Praise them for specific things. Don't give general praise but more I really like the way you have drawn that perons hair with the swirls - kind of thing.

1. Find something your DC likes doing and can build up a sense of achievement with. Doesn't really matter what it is, although imo an activity where you earn badges or grades can be good e.g. martial arts you have thought about.

1. Role model the behaviour you want her to have. So strike up conversations with people at supermarket tills, etc when she is with you. Have friends come over. Our DCs learn a lot just from seeing what we do.

1. Set up play dates/activities with 1 or at most 2 other children. Try and find quietier children who she can gradually build up her confidence with.

1. Talk though difficulties she may have such as starting a conversation in the playground as a wwyd and discuss it together. If she responds positively you could even try and act it out with her.

1. Ask mumsnet or librarian for any books that would be good for your DD that deal with making friends and/or standing up for yourself.

Thanks for the messages - very useful, will be trying many of these things out (have only just got round to checking since my previous post).

Dd was chosen to read some of her work out during a performance at school the other day, which she did really well & she's seemed v happy about having managed to do that (in front of parent audience etc). Am really pleased the school's helping to build her up too :)