In your experience would you say this is true re terrible two's

[sedgiebaby]

I seem to have heard it suggested it relates in part to the child not being able to express themselves with language yet and getting frustrated.

I'm asking because dd is 13 months and if this is true, is there anything I can do to help bring on her speech/language further apart from the obvious play/reading/encouragement etc that naturally I already do

Well, my dd is 26 mo and very eloquent. She can fully express herself but still has lots of 'moments'.

I did lots of signing with her (don't need classes if you don't want to , just get a book) and she signed a lot of words before she could speak which may have reduced frustration at that point.

Maybe you could try reading some toddler behaviour books in preparation. I like 'Happiest Toddler on the block' by Harvey Karp for tantrum reduction tips.

The obvious are the things that will help the most. It just takes time.

You could also try baby signing if you wanted, as it allows DC to communicate via action at a much younger age, though not necessarily talk any earlier.

Also, they will probably still have tantrums anyway! IME of 2yo tantrums there is an awful lot of attempting to assert independence involved.

I don't think there's anything you can do to bring speech forward, although all tongue exercise helps (so eating very chewy/lumpy food) but IME the 'terrible twos' is much oversold. In previous generations - particularly before the relevance of hunger to behaviour was understood - it might have been more of an issue. If an 18-30m old gets enough food, sleep and has understanding parents who do their best to pre-empt frustrations then tantrums can be largely avoided.

Oh, and 'testing boundaries' doesn't mean what many people think, either. It's actually an attempt to make sure that the boundaries are still in place and where they expect them to be. It is not an attempt to get the boundaries expanded. It's testing in the sense of 'ensuring'.

I think a massive sense of humour also helps. They are totally hilarious at two, whatever they're doing. My DD's difficult moments currently revolve around wanting to do things that she really can't - pouring hot coffee or clearing up dog poo, for example. Mostly she accepts pretending, but sometimes it's a full blown tantrum. Still frustration, but not language related. Others are about not being able to control everything in the world. I give as much control as I can over the things she can control, and she will have to learn that she can't control the winds, tides and stars as she tried to. Or the dog, DH or me, for that matter!

Thanks all, esp belindarose because that helps me understand what is around the corner and why.

I have quite a wilful, determined, vocal baby who is going to test me I know it, I'm seeing this already actually and wondering what is to come. She's quite good with her words (I think) she's been putting two words together already so I was hoping I might be able to work this aptitude to my advantage, but the journey of testing and frustrations is inevitable isn't it. Apparently she's just like me and I really challenged my mum who says she had to be 'cleverer than me and one step ahead' no idea what that means in practical terms though, I want to handle it in the right way, I don't want her to become a brat and trying get wise now. I'll look into that book too thanks...

My son had horrendous tantrums from about 11 months until he started talking when he turned two. Turning two was a massive turning point for us and I definitely think it was because he was able to express himself better. Don't get me wrong he's 3.5 now and can still be a little git but once they can talk you can at least reason with them and the "tantrums" don't last anywhere near as long

DS is 20m & was desperately trying to tell me something yesterday at bed time. He has about 25 words but this was obviously a new one & I had no idea. It sounded like "hair" and was accompanied with lots of pointing out the open bedroom door.

He was not impressed with getting in his cot but fell asleep within 2-3 mins so I am guessing he was just knackered.

I agree with a poster above, tiredness & hunger have a lot to answer for.

I would say that the things that helped me most dealing with DD (extraordinarily stubborn and independent) is NOT to see things as a battle between us and accept that she is tiny and not good at controlling her emotions, that doesn't make her deliberately obtuse, it makes her tiny and bad at controlling her temper.

Agree with the tired/hungerness thing too.

Save new difficult things for when they are at their best and most energetic or it will be a nightmare.

I don't think it's just about language, to be honest - I think as others have said it's about asserting independence, testing boundaries...and tiredness and hunger DEFINITELY play a part. At the end of the day, they've also discovered that they don't have to go along with everything you say without a fight - wouldn't you!

My experience is from opposite ends of the scale. DD1 was a very late talker, really wasn't saying much at all at 2, and then the floodgates opened when DD2 turned up when she was 26 months old. She went from hardly any speech to full sentences - it made not a jot of difference to her behaviour, she had always been wilful (certainly we had tantrums and random running off from 18 months which I'd put down to not being able to communicate ) and continued/s to be so!

DD2 was an extremely early talker, several words before she was 1, she's 2 next month and is doing pretty long sentences and has been for some time. She had lulled me into a false sense of security by being much more co-operative, which I'd assumed was down to her not being so frustrated by lack of speech - I think it helped but, lo, almost overnight, the word 'no' and the phrase 'no, I won't' are uppermost in her vocab - even if it's something she wants (would you like some cake? - no. No - agh, want cake). And much fighting with DD1 and shouting 'mine' from nowhere.

So, I think some degree or other is inevitable. Or maybe I just have a stroppy pair

I agree that remembering how little they are really helps. I can tell (by the constant 'why?' more than anything) how difficult it is for dd to make sense of the world and how hard she's trying to. I prefer to be fascinated rather than annoyed and that helps too, I think.

Yes - the poster above who said it's a great age is right. There are downsides of course - as there are to any developmental stage - but it is awesome watching them discover new stuff and start working the world out. It's a magical age, IMO.

Worth remembering also that losing control actually scares them and they need your help to regain control and try not to do it again. Punishing them for losing control often just makes it worse (one reason I don't like the naughty step technique for this age).

Partly - I think it's also as Octavia says about control. I rarely "discipline" DS (2.1) because I can see it's not him being deliberately naughty. He likes things a certain way - boundaries and all that.

in fact I think he doesn't often has tantrums (well others might call some outbursts tantrums but I don't) - he is genuinely upset about something or tired or hungry. So I try and address that. A lot of the time he will calm down if I go down to his level and say "DS wants x?" he says yes and I'll give a simple reason as to why not. It makes me think - am I stopping him just because I don't want him to or is there a genuine reason?

I also try not to say no to much - again for the reason above. He wants to learn about the world, is curious etc so I try and make time for that. Yes, it would be quicker for me to just butter his toast - but the look of joy on his face when I got him up on the chair and let him do it was priceless. Something so simple and he was pleased to do it himself!

And I will point out that we regularly get comments on DS's behaviour - he is well behaved. Interestingly I find that DS kicks off more with DH, because DH doesn't always pick his battles and makes too big a deal over the little things. I am however expecting this all to change when DD arrives in a few weeks! Or when he turns three he'll become a proper tantrumming toddler. Until then, I'm making the most of it.

Also as he gets older, my approach to parenting will adapt. I think sometimes people forget that 2 is teeny.

NotJust I chuckled at your second to last one about painting in the lines

Ds could chat pretty well by 2 (no words at 18mo then sudden explosion of words and signs!), but it was logic that defeated him - I remember one tantrum in a shop because he'd eaten his cake and couldn't eat it again so I gave him a biscuit which he eventually accepted as a substitute - until a well-meaning chap explained "You see, young man - you can't have your cake and eat it!"
"But I WANT EAT IT!!!"

I did find though that imaginary bubble mixture and liquids for pouring were a hit at that age, because no annoying spilling and failure to get bubbles working!
Choices of A or B, or Mummy gets to choose, worked wonders (usually choice C which was what got rejected in the first place, but fine by me...)