DD won't talk to the teacher if she has done something wrong. Totally shuts down.

[catpark]

DD1 is 7 years old and recently got into trouble at school for kicking someone. The other child and playground supervisor said it was accidental but whne the teacher asked DD what had happened she refused to speak or look at the teacher. The headteahcer tried as well but she wouldnt speak, just totally shut down as a consequence she was given a detention for insolence. When the headteacher told me she told me that this isn't the first time DD1 has done this, she shuts down if she is getting told off or asked about something that has happened involving her. She doesn't do this at home.

DD2 is 4 and at nursery and she did something similar last week. She put a banana on someone elses plate and when the nursery teacher asked her why she clammed up and wouldn't talk. She was asked to say sorry for it but didn't. Had to take her in today and the teacher wanted her to say sorry but she stayed silent and put her head down. She happily chatted to the teacher about other things but when ever saying sorry was mentioned she stayed silent.

Anyone have any thoughts as to what I can do about this ? Could this be a form of selective mutism ? School aren't really helping they are veiwing DD1 as simply being deliberatly insolent and rude but when I asked her why she wouldn't talk talk she told me she doesn't know. I am really worrying about it.

it would be good to talk to the teacher, and ask her to try different approaches.
My dd used to do the same, as she felt she wasnt listened to , or allowed to give her side of the story.
When she had been naughty, she knew it, and was ashamed.It was best for her to be left alone, and to think about it, and then give an apology IN HER OWN TIME.
I realised that no one likes to be told to do something without understanding why, and she wanted to give a genuine apology. DD's teacher was great in giving her space to reflect, and not to be unnecessarily angry.hope this helps.

I think the first incidence sounds ott. If everyone agreed that it was an accident, then surely your dd didn't need to comment. As it's not the first time, then I understand they were frustrated, but that probably wasn't the time to punish her for it. Perhaps a case of right lesson, wrong time.

I have two dc who also would clam up, and one who would give an embellished version of reality. I wouldn't call it selective mutism. It's more being ashamed, or stubbornness not wanting to apologise. I think it's fairly common for a child to clam up when they're in trouble.

Not totally convinced by emphasising the sorry word. It's a good thing for the children to get into the habit of apologising even for accidental wrongs, but the number of young children that I've come across that interpret it as "it doesn't matter what I do as long as I say sorry afterwards". Or "sorry" means I've just hit you...

yes,DeWe, it does sound OTT doesnt it?its sounds as if the teacher is being unfair, too, and letting her judgement get in the way, as if she thought it was done on purpose.
you know what, catpark, dont let it worry you too much.just let your children know what you expect of them, and give them your support.(as Im sure you do)

DeWe did your children grow out of it ? What did the school do to help ?

I spent 45 mins in the nursery with DD2 as she told me going she would say sorry but as soon as she saw the teacher she stopped talking and wouldn't speak to her. The teacher made us go and wait in the parents room and then came in and wanted DD2 to say sorry but again she totally blanked her. She happily chatted about other things but any time the sorry was mentioned she stopped talking. It was so frustrating as i've never seen DD2 like that before.

With DD1 the headmistress was furious about it and said DD1 is deliberatly doing it and kept saying it was insolence and would be punished for it whenever she did it. But when I spoke to DD1 she was really upset and said she didn't know why she couldn't talk about it.

I'm actually getting really worried about DD1 getting punished each time she clams up, The headteacher also seemed to put the blame for this behaviour on me as well. Now that DD2 has done the same I worry that she is going to be viewed the same way by the headteacher as she gets older.

ooh im getting warning signals!
i think the head is being very draconian and uncompassionate. and SCARY for a little kid.
Is there another teacher who can be a little bit more sensitive? i.e P.E teacher, or T.A ?girls can be easily intimidated, and from what you've said the teachers dont sound great!

Dd1 (yr6) has sort of grown out of it. She doesn't tend to be in those situations often, and then, because she knows she will be believed on reputation, is usually happy to speak out. She still doesn't tell anyone if something has been done to her unless she is challenged. I think if asked about something in front of another child she didn't trust she would probably clam up again.
I'm seeing the teacher this week about bullying behaviour that I've learnt through another child and snippets of comments from her that normally you wouldn't think more than "that's not nice" but in the light of it being the same child and what I have learnt from others I need to take further.

I agree with miku about the head. Is the head male? Dd1 used to find it much harder to talk to a male teacher until she had one she adored.

Ds is in yr R and we're working on it still. The school are being really good, because he's struggling at school and has hearing issues which result in him sometimes being physical. He now usually will say sorry in a reasonable voice. We had the refusing, through the aggressive voice, and now he's okay on that most of the time. Sometimes he needs to calm down first.

One of the problems he has is in explaining what's happened when he has hit out. He usually won't talk to the teacher about his side at all. He has a home/school book where they write down and in the last week he's started talking to me about what he sees as having happened. The problem that is coming up, is that sometimes he is reacting to something the other child has done to him. Now I'm telling him he shouldn't react physically at all at any time.

However, if I give one example he was in trouble for throwing sand last week. He tells me he built a sandcastle and child A knocked it down. He asked them not to... and they knocked the second one down so he asked them not to again... and when they knocked the third sandcastle down he threw sand at them. The problem to me is that actually reinforces that throwing the sand works, because that was what stopped them.

I don't know if his refusal to talk to the teacher is to do with hearing, or just plain stubbornness, but if he would tell the teacher sometimes what has gone on when it's similar to above then I think he would then hear them tell the other child they shouldn't knock the sandcastle down, and he would gain confidence in them to tell them sooner.