At what age do children stop making a bit fuss at bedtime?

[marykat2004]

Just wondering at what age children usually settle themselves, after teeth-brushing and bedtime stories.

DD is becoming more difficult to put to bed rather than easier. She cries that she wants mummy or daddy to lie with her while she goes to sleep. And then if we refuse says we don't love her.

We have a bedtime routine, it's just that once she is in bed she pesters and pesters unless one of us lies with her. Surely 7 is too old for that?? Surely they should be able to settle themselves?

She is now screaming. What have I done wrong?? Surely 7 years is way too old for "crying it out"?

She moved to her own room just after one year old, and mostly slept through the night from 18 months. We never "Co-slept", apart from when she and I are away on holiday) but she seems to want to co-sleep now.

mine are 5 and 8 and settle to sleep fine at bedtime. They do teeth, do a pee, ds gets read a bit of his book if we have time and dd reads a bit before lights out. I have never co-slept and dont lie with them till they sleep either. Dont know what to suggest except that if she knows you give in when she causes a fuss she will continue as she knows she will get her own way.

maybe she is scared of something? or she is just used to it and finds it really difficult to sleep without that sleep "cue"?

I think you could easily do a kind of gradual weaning her off of it if you want to stop though.
put her to bed and then say "right, I will stay with you in your room, but I am going to just sit on the floor by your bed. if you start making a big fuss then I will go downstairs"

so you sit on the floor. she goes to sleep.

next night. you sit on the floor. after a minute or so you just "need the toilet, you'll be able to hear me dd, and I'll come right back. If you start shouting or screaming then I will go back downstairs"
so you go to toilet (or pretend to), then go back. "well done dd, i told you i'd come back didn't i?"

next night... you sit down. then you "remember" that you have a couple of things to tidy away upstairs. you remind her that you;'ll be just in your room and she'll be able to hear you and that you will come straight back once you're done.
you come back. hopefully she will fall asleep fairly quickly, but if not then you can add a toilet trip in too..

you basically then gradually get her used to you nipping in and out, and gradually stretch the time that you are out of the room... make sure she can hear you upstairs though

also you could say to her that as she is such a big girl, and doesn't really "need" you in there with her that maybe you could go and choose a special toy to snuggle up with at night, that way when you need to go out of the room she still has her toy.
eventually the toy will become the sleep cue, replacing you or your dh

Thank you for taking the time to answer. The thing is that we haven't always sat with, or lay down with her. Also we live in a 2 bedroom flat. So it's not like she down some distant corridor upstairs. We are never more than a few meters away.

She seems to be playing up more than usual. I will talk to the school to see if something is bothering her at the moment.

I also wondered if she's scared of something that she can't articulate, or maybe cold (I expect you do a nice job of warming the bed up for her!).

my 3yr old goes to bed very happily. you haven't really given enough info for anyone to advise really - she hasn't always been like this has she? when were things good? how long has this been going on?
something must have changed or happened to cause this behaviour if she used to go to bed without behaving like this.

i've only got little kids but the tactics i use for them for everything are either -
gradual withdrawal (do what they want then gradually reduce the amount of time i spend doing it for them), just stop the negative behaviour ("you are going to do this now because mummy says so"), turn it into a game to persuade them to do what i want (make it fun so they want to do it)

you need to work backwards and figure out what's causing the behaviour or try and see it from her point of view and work out how to help her deal with the situation.

She has indeed never been easy to put to bed. There have been waves of more difficult periods, and I keep wondering when those are going to end. It's like 7 year olds have 2 year old tantrums. She doesn't have that many full blown tantrums but when I see other children her ages kicking and screaming like a 2 year, I find it a bit upsetting.

DD can read now, so sometimes reads to herself after her parent-reading. Tonight, however, she has been inconsolable, yet not really giving a reason why.

She may be a bit anxious about something. Or is it possible she isn't quite tired enough when you put her to bed? We have found this on occasion with our 7 and 4 year olds. Sometimes if we delay bedtime by 30 minutes the whole process is smoother.

dd1 went through a bit of a phase a few months back. What helped for us is that she used to enjoy writing lists. So we got her to write a list of "bedtime" tasks, teeth, story etc, and also on the list was get into bed, lie down nicely etc. She enjoyed ticking the stages off the list and getting stickers. :)

Mmmm true, what time does she go to bed?

I still try to get her to bed between 7:30 and 8. Is that too early for age 7?

Is she an older or younger 7? DS is nearly 8 and generally starts going to bed around 8 and by the time I've finished Reading to him it's avout 8:30. DD is 6 and starts going to bed about 7:30 (and when I've finished with her I go and get DS). Although I am sure that others their ages go a bit earlier (despite what some of them in DSs class say ).

Sounds like something may have triggered this need to have you there for your DD and either it's still there or has become a routine for her. I think rhe gradual retreat method suggested further up the thread might work although I suppose you need to decide what would happen if she did start screaming during it.

marykat we have a 7 year old (and a 4 year old). My 7 year old is sometimes ready for bed at 7/7.30 if she has had a busy, energetic day. Other nights she is not tired til 8/8.30. Holiday bedtimes vary a lot depending on whether she has had a bit of a lie-in or not.

I have had to learn to be a bit flexible with bedtime (I usually like routine). However dh and I learnt fairly recently that if we try to put ours to bed say at 7pm and they are still very lively, they can play up for an hour or two so it's counterproductive.

No matter what time we make bedtime, DD plays up as soon as she hears it's bedtime. She had a late night last night, and does not lie in, so I thought that tonight we would start earlier and have a longer story. Instead she wanted some tv, but it wasn't late when it finished, about 7:15. We had a story, a part of another book, and then she started insisting I stay in bed with her. I had oil in my hair and didn't want to lie down and get her pillow mucky. Then she wanted daddy but he was doing something else at the time.

sigh. very weary sigh. Does it ever get easier? I guess not.

OP I think it DOES get easier yes and several people have had some very good suggestions.
I do think that when you say she makes a fuss so much that then you give in, you are shooting yourself in the foot.
My dd 4.11yo responds well to bribery sticker charts and sweets as she starts chatting and asking 'just one more question' and saying shes 'sooo lonely' at bedtime. If she settles down and stays in bed she gets a sticker and a sweet the next day.
She made me chuckle tonight, I am tired today and so a bit lacking in patience, and she started with her usual, 'but I'm so lonely up here by myself mummy' stuff, so I rushed through the usual sticker blah, blah, and as I was walking down the stairs she calls out to me ' mummy one more thing', so I sigh and stomp back expecting some other excuse, open the door and she says 'one more thing... I LOVE YOU!!' What a pleasant surprise!!
Also I find just going through the same things every night without fail calms her down, along with a fairly lengthy story.
Good luck, it is wearing, but I'm sure it gets better :)