Manners!! Some help PLEASE and THANK YOU!!!

[Bellsy2206]

I am just about going insane with my 3.5 year old. He is the most adorable and charming boy for the most part and his social skills are excellent (we have been told they are very advanced for a boy of his age by his key-worker at pre-school) BUT he is driving me and his dad mad as he always has to be reminded to say please and thank you!

We have tried asking him every time, reminding him, ignoring him until he realises why we're not speaking to him, telling him we can't hear him etc etc. It is driving my fiance mad even moreso than me because he has an older son from his first marriage who is autistic and says this is the reason he has had to learn social skills whereas our son naturally does have them in the main.

Please could someone give me some tips that may work before we blow a gasket? :(

THANK YOU!!

He's 3.5. It's entirely normal to need to remind his to say please and thank you.

Ignoring him until he realises seems very odd behaviour from an adult. Far more rude than a little person forgetting to say please or thank you, IMO.

Just gently remind him. By the time he starts school he should remember to say please and thank you most of the time. If he's not ignoring you.

His 3.5!! You have to just remind him, and certainly stop acting like children yourself. He will get it, but for it to become second nature takes time.

My DTDs are 5 and they STILL have to be reminded sometimes. Don't panic! He's only 3.5!

Good grief! You have ridiculously high expectations of him, OP. He's only 3!!

Mine is about the same age and I still have to remind him, sometimes he does say thank you sponatneously and sincerly, so it is getting in, it just takes time! Just keep reminding him, it's not really helpful to compare him to an older child with AS, it's a completely different situation. He will be a lovely well-mannered boy when he is older, as long as he is taught correctly.

I didn't mean ignore him, I meant we try not to act on whatever it is he wants until he remembers to say please, and then we say 'of course you can have (whatever it is) and thank you for asking so nicely.' As I said he is very advanced otherwise so wasn't sure if this was the norm or not.

However, I only wanted some advice but feel I have been mocked for admitting to not knowing how to handle a situation.

Many thanks for your replies.

He's three. It'll come. Remember the most important thing is not to remind him but to model it for him. Every time you and your partner talk about anything, try and include pleases and thankyous. And comparisons with older children are invidious - ridiculous to compare to someone else. Ignore what your fiance says about his son.

And telling him you can't hear him is just plain mean.

you need to model please and thank you in daily life

nowt wrong with reminding him

When did you start teaching him about manners? If it's something you've not long told him about, it'll take quite a while yet for it to sink in. If he's been taught from before he could even speak then he should possibly be using them occasionally, but will still need reminding at this age. Children copy and he'll pick it up from hearing the way adults in his life communicate with each other.

Took til about five for dd not to need reminding. Very reliable now.

Don't sweat it. I have a 3.5 year old and he needs reminding sometimes but not all the time. I just say "what's the magic word" or "what do you say to the nice lady" (if someone gives him something). He normally says it straight away but he is now starting to do it unprompted.

Forget about it for a while. I had a secret silent reminder for my kids (squeezing a hand in a special way), because I find it so annoying to hear parents saying in an officious way "What do you say", "Excuse me?" etc. I think it's like learning to walk or toilet training-- they're not ready till they're ready, and I find it counterproductive and irritating when parents nag their kids relentlessly for 4 or 5 years.

I remember a few years ago when the twin boys of my best friends were 8-9 hearing her remind them to say thank you (DD1 was about 2-3 at the time). I remember feeling about it at the time, as I was already feeling fed up with reminding her to say it. However, now she's nearly 9, we rarely have to remind her, certainly not when she's with others.

DD1 has just turned 3 and I remind her often, but am considering as Snailoon suggests just leaving it for a while and making sure I and DH model it all the time. I find it so, so annoying to have to remind her constantly, maybe it would work better if I just praise her/notice when she does say it. What I find hard is when other people expect her to say please/thankyou and sometimes she doesn't, and then I do the whole 'what do you say' palaver which frankly seems ridiculous as it's just for show.

On the other hand, it does grate on me if she says "I want milk" like a tiny tyrant! Although that's perhaps more about tone of voice than just please/thankyou.