Help - 8yr old boy can't control is his emotions leading to formal exclusions from school

[wishihadamarypoppins]

Hi, my issue is long winded so will try to cut a long story short and will be grateful of any advice anyone can give. My eldest son is 12 and has aspergers but is coping well now after a lot of struggles in the past. With my youngest child, a boy of 8 (we also have a girl in the middle, no problems) we have had similar behaviour issues but he reacts very differently. His behaviour results in formal exclusions from school which is heartbreaking. He cannot cope when things don't go his way and when peers break rules. When he gets angry be throws mega tantrums, throwing objects, lashing out etc. When he is disappointed you cannot reason with him or get him to do as you wish him to do (mainly in public and at school). For example he will refuse to stand up and walk or do what he is asked. Once he is calm I praise him for calming down and he responds well to a calm conversation about his behaviour. His peers are now starting to treat him differently and enjoy winding him up to see how he will react. The school deal with his tantrums by using rewards and consequences and if he has one that last longer than 5 minutes he gets sent home (this they have reduced gradually down from 30 minutes and progress is happening albeit slowly). Both of us work, me just part time so it makes life difficult when he gets sent home. Two Ed Psych's have seen him and both seem to believe he is stubborn and may have learnt behaviours from his elder brother rather than him having a similar condition. Autism or aspergers haven't been ruled out completely mainly because if he has either of these they say it would be only mildly. It is so hard to cope with and I fear for his future if he can't get a grip of his emotions. He is a big lad for his age and incredibly strong and his behaviour can scare other children. I long for someone to tell me it will get better and he will get over these issues but no-one seems have any answers. Like I said, any advice or support would be very welcome. Thanks for reading.

I left my first ever message this morning and have come back tonight to see if anyone has responded. Nobody has - I think I did it wrong - but the similarities between our problems are striking. I had my 9 yr old assessed for autism or other problems but it seems he is clear of them. He shows similar types of behaviour to your son - he started last year and like your son is a big lad. I don't know whether its the early onset of puberty but my son cannot handle his emotions. Like you i am so worried about the future and although this year is better when he loses it he loses it big time. We have just started counselling for him so it'll be interesting to see if that helps. I can't give you any help other than to say you're not alone!!

Aspergers can present very differently from one person to another. I would be going to your GP and seeking a referral to a paed specialising in developmental disorders like autism. An ed psych cannot diagnose AS nor can they rule it out. It must be diagnosed by a medical professional, such as a paed or psychiatrist.

Regardless of what his diagnosis is at present, he ought to be receiving adequate support in school. If his behaviour is so difficult that he is getting excluded, he would definitely benefit from a statement. I would apply for a statutory assessment using this model letter from Ipsea.

You say that your DS is being formally excluded from school; have you received letters notifying you that he was excluded each time he was sent home? It is important that the exclusions are properly recorded and treated as formal exclusions, because that will support your argument that your DS needs additional support. Schools often use illegal exclusions, where they send a pupil home but it is not officially recorded as such. Read this document from ACE to ensure that the school is following the correct procedures.

Thank you Capillary, its good to know I'm not alone - it does feel like that sometimes, I hope your son gets 'over it soon'. My son has always been like this really, it got worse when he started school and had to do what the teachers wanted him to. Do you feel your son is getting better? When mine loses it, he really loses it and its so worrying.

Thank you too BumbleKitten. He is already seeing a paed, he is the one who got the ed psych on board and I am seeing him again at the end of the month. The school are doing the exclusions by the book, I get a proper letter and we have to have a meeting with the head when he is allowed back in school and whilst I wish they wouldn't I can understand why they send him home! I have been wondering if he would benefit for some anger management counselling or maybe see a psychiatrist but wasn't sure how to go about this or if that is even available to children or would even help? My parents have offered to help financially if I need to go privately. I just want to help him get better for his own sake as much as everyone else's. I feel a bit helpless and unsure of what to do for the best. I feel like I am letting him down because I can't 'fix' him. Others say the school should be able to cope with him but I think they are doing all they can, they are very supportive and have put a lot of things in place to get him through each day. I want to get him cured rather than just try to prevent outbursts.

p.s if he was statemented, do the school still have the right to send him home then?

A statement wouldn't mean that a child couldn't be excluded, but it's a legal document which could/should ensure the child gets appropriate support so he would be less likely to get excluded. For example, it could set out 1:1 support to help him deal with his rigid thinking, speech and language therapy to develop his language skills, psychological help for his anxiety, buddy systems to support him at school. I would really push for a statutory assessment as it sounds like the school have exhausted their own resources and need funding from a statement in order to provide more help. It is quite simple to request - just use the letter on the Ipsea site, but be aware that parental requests are often refused as a matter of course, but you have the right to appeal.

For mental health needs he might have to be referred to CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health services). In some areas CAMHS might diagnose AS as well - but it's important that anyone you see is experienced/trained in ASD. Often CAMHS deal mostly with parenting issues which is not so helpful for those on the spectrum.

If you can afford to go private, Daphne Keen will do assessments for ASD in London. I don't know of anger/therapy that would help ASD children but try contacting the NAS? But I also think it's important that any help needs to be done in partnership with the school, so it's best to go through the LA via statementing.

It may be that your son will need more specialist provision as he gets older, there are independent special schools for AS which offer a curriculum for bright children but who have behaviour management issues.

wishihadmarypoppins - you're situation sounds so familiar. We're still at the early stages but my youngest has struggled with his behaviour at nursery and school. The latter has been more problematic with frequent exclusions and continual threats of permanent explusion due to his inability to control his emotions and behaviour. With the threat of permanent explusion we sought support from the area education officer and had a pastoral plan put in place with the school. We also sought assistance in school through the pupil referral service who worked on anger management, dealing with emotions etc and also got an educational psychologist involved and a referral to CAMHS. It might not be relevant as every case is different but we also sought a CAF centred around the child so that we could get multi agencies involved in assisting us. Due to the emotional and social impact continuous exclusions were having on our child we elected to move schools and this has at least changed the label and a lot of the severe behaviour. We're still attempting to get to the route of the problem and are now having an assessment done for a statement but moving to a multi agency approach has pushed things forward significantly. We won't ever fix them but we do know that if we can understand where they are coming from then approaches for dealing with the outbursts can be identified. For my child a lot of it might be due to emotional immaturity but when an outburst comes, there's little chance of the direction turning but rewards and avoiding confrontation really seem to work.