Worried about my 3 year olds social development

[banana87]

I feel so because my degree is in Psychology, my MA in Special Ed, so I should know the answers to this but I don't.

DD is very shy. She is looked after by either myself or DH or her Grandad and always has been. Except from 24 months we started her at the CM one day per week. She started nursery 2 mornings a week in September. So far, so good, but we haven't had parents evening yet.

DH and Grandad don't socialise with other children, just me. So on a Tuesday DD has always gone to "playgroup" with me (me and 3 other lovely ladies and their children, all 6-9 months older than DD and all boys). If we are somewhere new, DD clings for the first 30 or so minutes, then once she is comfortable tends to go off and play. At soft play she will not venture into the big frame alone, but is quite happy to play in the toddler frame by herself. She tends not to play with other children interactively, especially if she doesn't know them.

If we are on a play date she tends to interact with the other child about 50% of the time. The rest of the time she plays on her own. And if a child takes a toy away from her she immediately tells an adult rather than taking it back!

Her CM reports the following:

• she will sometimes play with her son (6 months older than DD) interactively, but mostly they parallel play

• she clings in new situations (i.e. if they go somewhere new or if someone she doesn't know comes round for a playdate)

• more recently she cries- not sure what this is about but appears to be when she is somewhere she doesn't want to be and asks to go home.

I just do not feel that this is normal. I feel she should be engaging in turn taking and interactive play at this age (bar chasing/hiding/jumping on trampoline which she does do with her friends).

How can I increase her confidence?

You daughter sounds completely normal to me. So she's a bit shy but she does engage when she knows someone and wants to. Lots of us have shy children.

I had a terrifically social son, then a very shy daughter. Luckily I had a friend who had a very shy son. I admired how she never pushed him and was utterly supportive of him. I saw him blossom into a very self assured young boy. Still shy in big groups, but utterly charming and strong emotionally.

I think you shouldn't worry - let her be shy - she is only 3. Go at her pace. You can't force her to be someone she is not, but you know that right? My daughter is quite a free spirit now and has a very strong sense of self.

However, are you worried there is something more deeper going on than shyness?

Thanks daytoday. No, I'm not worried about anything else. Cognitively (which is my area of expertise) she is right where she should be. Imaginary play at home is exactly where it should be. It's just how shy she is and the fact that she seems to have no backbone. The other day a 15 month old hit her on the head and she cried! He took her toy away and she was "mummy I want my toy". I just really really hope she outgrows it. I don't and won't force the issue, as I know that's the wrong thing to do (hence waiting until she was 3 before starting nursery).

She sounds normal to me, she sounds a bit like my dd at that age and I think of my dd as being quite sociable! The parallel play think my dd did for ages (really till she started school) and although she liked being round other children she would quite often go off and play by herself.

Our next door neighbours had a daughter who was incredibly shy at that age too. They held her back a year from going to school and just allowed her to go at her pace. She ended up singing a solo in the school nativity play and you wouldn't think she is the same girl now. Very confident - not pushy, but can hold her own when playing in a big group in our back garden. She'll be 8 in December. The change happened slowly over the past 2 to 3 years.

I'm worried her teachers are going to say she's a pain in the ass, especially when she gets to reception and teachers have much less patience for shyness and rattle telling.

Good to hear she sounds normal though

She sounds like my DS1 was.

I dreaded him starting preschool as he seemed so scared of other kids. He wouldn't say boo to a goose, and if someone took a toy from him he gave it up willingly. He'd been with the same childminder since he was 6 months and had never been to nursery.

He's now about to to turn 5, nad he's a different child. Starting preschool was more painless than I thought - we had a couple of teary mornings but that was it. He's gorwn in confidence so much and at parents evening the other week I was amazed when his teacher said he was always happy to put his hand up and join in.

I always tried not to push him too much, though would encourage him to try new things, with varying success.

Give her time. It'll probably sort itself out. Reception is a long way off, so don't lose any sleep about that now, she'll be a different child then

You can increase her confidence by letting her be, supporting her, reassuring her and giving her time. I learnt this re my son who has come out the other end. How old is she- just 3, 3.5 or nearly 4?

She sounds very like my son who was like this age 3. He's now 5 and in Reception and is very sociable and pretty confident and "gets on extremely well with the other children" to quote his teacher. At 3 and 2 months we moved house and he started a new pre-school. He didn't play with anyone for about 4 months (just parallel played) and then made a friend. Then started school nursery at 3 and 10 months and made friends fairly easily. A lot of them increase in confidence between 3 and 4 I think and of course it's natural only to play with children you know and my Mum says (in a Mum type wisdom) a sign of intelligence to be a bit spooked in new environments.

My daughter is nearly 3 and interacts very well with her brother and a few others but mostly she will play by herself/parallel play with new children.

It helped my son to keep him close in new situations and tell him "stay with me if you're feeling shy, then soon when you feel ready you can go and play", and "it's ok to feel shy". In fact both me and my DH are naturally shy but as with many adults have learnt to overcome this in the real world.

At 3 my DD would cry if a toddling baby approached her trying to take a toy. It used to make me giggle inside. Lots of talks about and role playing how to handle these situations might help.

Although my DD was shy I do actually think she is very self assured about who she is. My son, who is socially confident, has many crisis of confidence and ironically I actually think he is less 'steely' than my daughter.

Do try to watch and enjoy - a good sense of humour is vital.

Tgger She is just 3 (29th Sept). DD2 is due any day now, and I am wondering if the recent increased clinginess is due to that. It's the only change other than starting nursery that she has had lately, and she does seem a lot more anxious recently--even the CM commented on this.

daytoday I will try to keep a sense of humor about it. At the moment I am just really embarrassed, especially when we are on a playdate with a child the same age or even a few months younger than her who is a lot more social than she is. I do not get cross with her, I just worry about being judged for moddy coddling (which I really shouldn't do).

banana87, you mention the fact that she seems to have no backbone citing the example of the 15 month old who hit her on the head and took her toy away. "and she was "mummy I want my toy".

I would think your did, but, did you say "so what can we do about it?" and use the opportunity to educate her how to stand up for herself? Even if the moment had passed for that toy, I would have said later, "if someone takes your toy and you aren't happy to give it up, you could say "I'm playing with that right now". If a child hits her on the head she is likely to cry no matter if they are younger than her. She can say to them, "Don't hit me again. I don't like it". Give her scenarios and suggest solutions to problems in advance. For example in the hour before playgroup, pre-empt likely behaviours and situations and say "if a child hits you, what might you say to them? And what might you do if someone takes your toy?"

Some children are naturally assertive and some really are not. If you don't address the issue I think she will feel more lost and frustrated. My sister is/was assertive from the day she was born I think, I was not. It was a learned process for me and unfortunately my mum was a battleaxe who would have either waded in heavily on my behalf, or told me to grow up and stop being such a wimp - both of which knocked my confidence further. I still didn't know how to deal with things.

The most helpful approach is being taught assertive responses, in my opinion.

Oh and forgot to say, you might find that being a big sister and really emphasising that status, might be most useful. Ask her what the baby needs (blanket/toy/dummy etc) and she will probably surprise you with her accuracy. Lots of elder siblings have an innate sense of responsibility and pride that is usually quite easy to tap into, I have witnessed. Lots of praise for the smallest show of affection from the eldest towards the baby. Have you bought your DD a present from the baby? Everyone I know who did this reports they really felt it helped set a positive tone from the start between the new siblings.

Thanks sleepy.

Both DH and I talk to dd about things to death. On the occasion with the 15 month old, I said "then get it back" but his mum had already taken it off him to give to her. That us what I try and do each and every time. I try not to step in for her, especially now she's getting older and should be doing these things herself. We also talk about how we should react when a child hits/pushes, etc but to no avail I'm afraid. We started last Christmas when a (ex) friend of mines DD would constantly push/hit/bully her and the mum would just watch her DD and do nothing. We told played what her reaction to the child should be which was great in theory but never worked in practice. So I do completely agree with you that we need to be telling her and talking to her about how to react, it just doesn't seem to go in!!

Have you stolen my DD?

I have no advice, but every one of your concerns I have about DD also, who is about the same age. Good to read some of the posts on here.

FWIW, I am a teacher who works with children with SEN and ESBD and sometimes I think too much knowledge is a bad thing- it makes me more worried!

Hopefully we will look at this thread in a year's time and wonder why we were worried at all.

So similar to my DD and I agree with tethersend, I also work with teenagers who have SEN/ESBD and I do think I over analyse because of it sometimes.

My DD is 3 next week and struggles with shyness and assertiveness. We have had real problems with nursery - all we got when we talked to her about it was that she cried and the negative experiences. The Nursery workers reported that if a child tried to play with her she would move away or just lie on the floor and cry quietly, she was happiest sitting looking at books by herself.

They have been very supportive and suggested and have kept a home diary that we can write in and they write about her day in so we can talk at the positive as well as the negative things.

The last week we seem to have turned a corner - it is still like having 2 children, one who is vivacious, loud and hilarious at home and one who is like a little mouse when around others but I think we have begun to make progress. I hope you do too.

Everyone tells me to stop worrying, I'll say the same although I doubt we ever will.

i like Sleepy Spaniel's scripts, the specific language she suggests. They are great responses.

But as you say, it isn't working.

So seems to me the way forward is to talk/think a bit more about maybe why not...
-is the script the wrong script? ("then get it back" probably isn't as good a script as sleepspaniel's script - it's describing the effect you want to achieve not how to get it! - but maybe that's a one-off example).

• is your anxiety coming across to her when you "school" her in the scripts? So that whilst she knows what she should do she now has the added burden of knowing you have an emotional need for her to do something she feels she can't?
• do you need a longer period of tuning in to her on her own terms before any scripts can really become useful at all? The approach is sounding a bit prescriptive and she may just not be ready to use the techniques you are suggesting. I appreciate your background but would it be worth rereading something like "how to listen so your kids will talk" and doing a bit of a health-check on your techniques?

My son also has problems with his social development. I try my very very hardest never to be embarrassed or . I would go so far as to say that we have a responsibility to the child not to be embarrassed - it clouds our judgment and makes it more about us than them.

good luck! if you're in England then at least she's an autumn baby....

Do you think that perhaps it is her peers who are more advanced socially rather than her being under confident? If her peers have been in formal childcare from a young age is that a possibility? No expert just a thought.