Concerns about DD.

[Needingsomeadvice]

Namechanged for this.

I just wondered if people could advise or reassure. I have a 4.5 year old DS who is exceptionally bright academically, very good concentration span, and was always very sociable and chatty too - would talk to anyone! Now I used to be worrying about my DS (as a toddler) because autism/aspergers does run in the family, and he did seem very focused and often had massive tantrums (biting/pinching etc) about having to go into the pushchair. I worried because I thought we were perhaps seeing bright when in fact he could just concentrate for a long time and had a good visual memory. I worried that maybe we were missing something because we were so close to the situation. But now he's just started school and his teacher (and previous nursery) are all very impressed by him and don't seem to have any such concerns, and I have realised that this is just who he is.
So when DD came along I just thought maybe she'll be the same, but possibly not. In fact, she is in many ways the opposite! Although she is clearly still a bright child (knows her colours and can point out things in a picture book, knows animals and their noises, likes singing songs, that sort of thing) she is nowhere near as sociable (will try to avoid people when they talk to her, clings to me, will take an hour or more to get used to a visitor being here). She also has a short attention span, although I am thinking it is a normal sort of attention span for a toddler, and maybe we were just used to DS being very focused on everything. She is very clingy at the moment (this developed during a recent illness and never went away) and I am starting to feel worried due to other people's reactions (relatives, including my DP) that her development is a concern. DP worries she is not as interactive as our DS. She doesn't always answer you when you ask her a question (i.e. "What animal is that DD?" wheres for DS it was almost like it was a game and he enjoyed answering questions. She spends an awful lot of time singing. She does point out cats and dogs etc in the street (well she says "Cat! Byeee cat! Byee cat!" for example.
I know it is difficult to judge from brief description but should I be worried? I am not sure whether people are just comparing her to DS but then on the other hand how comminicative should a 22-month old be?

PS. I think my concern personally stems from the fact that she will sit there reading a book aloud to herself and point out everything correctly, but then if I read the book with her and ask her a direct question such as "Where is the doggie?" or "What's that DD?" she usually won't answer me. Pointing things out herself fine, being asked a direct question she often won't respond .

From your post it sounds like you are a bit of a worrier. I know this is easy for me to say, but please try to relax and enjoy your children!

My three children are all very different and have been from day 1. I agree that you tend to expect a repeat of the first and I often find it surprising that they are so different, but it's all part of life's rich tapestry isn't it?

Your DD sounds like she's doing fine. My DS2 is 25m and sounds like he's around the same stage as your DD in terms of communication. He's not at all clingy, but DS1 was, and is now doing fine at school and has lots of friends. Honestly it sounds like you have nothing to worry about.

I really wouldn't worry. She may just feel patronised when you ask her to point to a dog or whatever! To the best of my knowledge (someone may correct me) AS disorders don't usually feature clinginess - the children aren't emotionally engaged at all with others. She might just be shy - taking an hour to get used to someone isn't at all unusual, but the point is that she does get used to them. I really don't think you need to worry.

Thanks both for your replies . To mumofthreekids, that is reassuring, thank you. I know kids can be clingy, but no experience of this as DS never was. He was very demanding needing lots of cuddles at night, but never cried when left at nursery etc, even as a baby. DD becomes hysterical if I start to leave a room. She has never been left in a childcare setting so can't comment there.
Octaviapink many ASD children are detached, but my DN was not as a child and still is very clingy to mum now at 14. There's a lot of variation I believe. I was more worried about aspectrgers for my DS as he has a lot of the symptoms but he doesn't seem to fit the detached, robotic sort of description as he is a huge softie. I do still worry about him as he's a bit of an old head on young shoulders and finds it hard to make friends. DD wasn't worrying me until recently but her reaction to visiting family recently was to hold onto me and scream if we were separated. She was not interested in going near anyone and we were there for 4 days! It was then that I started worrying about her.

*aspergers

It's impossible to really know what your kids are like from just your description, but what stands out from your post is that you (for very good reasons) have a detailed understanding of the signs and symptoms of autism and asperger's and (again for understandable reasons) seem to be viewing your children's development and personalities through this lens, if that makes sense.

My dd wouldn't let me put her down and my 2 year old ds just won't answer direct questions like 'what colour is that?'. Because I don't have the worries about family history that you do, questions about 'does this mean that there's something wrong with them?' aren't at the forefront of my mind, as they for you.

A friend of mine's dd was under GOSH from birth due to having a small head. There was absolutely no way that my friend could stop herself reading everything and more on the internet and seeing all sorts of possible problems in her dd, once this anxiety had been triggered.

Her dd is now a perfectly normal 6 year old, but it was only time and her trying to rationalise her anxieties that proved that to her.

I hope that things get easier for you in time and, in the meantime, could you speak to someone professional eg Autism society, GP about your levels of anxiety?

Hi needingsome.... I just wanted to say that I have a 9 yr old who has recently been Dx'ed with ASD and she is the clingiest child ever to the point of separation anxiety.

My point is you can't make generalisations about autism or similar conditions because every child presents differently.

If you are really worried, pop over to the SN childrens board and talk to some of the mums over there, they are reallly experienced in these things and will point you in the right direction.

Thanks Ineedalife for your post. As I said above, my nephew was and is the same. His ASD was diagnosed quite early (he was about 2 so they were intervening with him from preschool age which was a good thing) but it as delayed because the first doctor ruled it out because he was very 'cuddly'.
I hope your DD's diagnosis means she and you get some more support. 9 is quite late to be diagnosed isn't it? But I know myself (as I work in education) that some children who are not diagnosed before school age and 'slip through the net' can take longer to be identified simply because they have learned to fit in so well that they don't pose a problem.
I do think that she's gone a bit more extreme during her recent illness and she seems to be perking back up to her usual self so maybe she is just getting back onto a more even keel?
Anyway, thanks everyone for your advice. It's hard to know what is normal and I wasn't concerned until other family members kept making comments comparing the two children (which is never wise is it?!).