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6yo dd excluded by friends - anyone experienced with this? How to help?

15 replies

Carni · 03/11/2011 02:40

My dd says over past three days no one will play with her. She has friends but seems to be told by some that she is not allowed to play with them. Not sure if this is something about her behaviour that makes them do this or if it is that they are just fanning up or something else. Also I learned today that several of her usual friends have been invited to a party she has not. I am not sure how proactive to be on this and whether it is something I should stay our of and let her learn from. Anyone experienced this and what worked for you?

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TheGhostOfMrsWembley · 03/11/2011 02:56

This has made me feel very sad. Nothing to do with my DCs (too young yet!) but I experienced this when I was at primary school. There was one girl who all my friends followed the instructions of. If she said I could play then I was allowed to join in. If she said I couldn't then no-one would talk to me. I spent many hours in the library learning to enjoy books for company. Sad

Please check this out. My mum used to tell me to ignore her but this only works when the bully is verbally abusive. Mum has since told me that this girl also used to take my dinner money but I have no memory of that. I don't know what my mum did about that either as, again, I don't remember it.

I'd love to say I got over it but actually, because it happened over such a length of time, it coloured how I made friends, and kept them, in secondary. Luckily for me those friends were excellent ones.Smile

KatharineClifton · 03/11/2011 05:09

Keep an eye on it for sure, but it's only 3 days.

TheGhostOfMrsWembley · 03/11/2011 07:12

Yes, it's only 3 days, sorry, shouldn't have sounded so melodramatic but it was a night feed - tiredness and hormones are a bad mix.Blush

Nevertheless, you really don't want it to carry on so please, for the sake of that little girl from the seventies who learned to love books because her mother didn't think it was a big problem, let your DD see you doing something about it.

Liliana1 · 03/11/2011 07:17

Is the school aware? If it happens in the playground and your dd doesn't say anything they probably aren't. Maybe have a quiet chat with the teacher - it might be they can shed some light on what is going on or will be able to keep an eye on the situation.

Carni · 03/11/2011 08:07

Thanks will speak to teacher today. She is a bit tough sure her empathy will engage. Seventies girl I am not going to ignore. Just would like to hear from others who have encountered so I know what to expect and how to help so pls keep comments coming !

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tryingtocookacurry · 03/11/2011 08:17

My 6 year old DD is part of a very close foursome of girls at school. I haven't experienced anything like this yet but she has been upset as all the other 3 girls have been invited to a party and she hasn't. This has upset her and when she told me about it there were tears in her eyes. I was so upset for her but have explained to her that not everyone can go to the party when there are 30 kids in a class and figured that it's a learning curve for her.

One of the other mothers of the girls at school the other day said that she was surprised that they haven't had any fallings out yet, as her older daughter had a dreadful time with other girls in infant school and the teachers had to get involved to ensure they played fairly and often had to seperate them all as arguments would take place.

I have an older DS(15) and I never experienced anything like this. It is definitely a girl thing. If it was me, I would speak to the teacher as it would really worry me. Hope everything gets better for her x

Carni · 03/11/2011 09:54

Thanks. We have a party situation too which is happening at the same time. She has not been invited to a party by one of the girls and we didn't know about it. It turns out that it is at the same time as we have chosen for HER party. So lots of these same girls will be going to that one as their invitations went out first. I hardly ever cry but I have been these last 24 hours. Waiting to hear from school now.

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TheGhostOfMrsWembley · 03/11/2011 11:18

Maybe you could speak to the parents of the girl whose party clashes with yours, find out what's going on there? Did they know before they sent out invites that there was a problem? Did they not ask why one of their DD's friends wasn't wanted? I know I would want to know what was going on if my DD did this to one of her friends.Hmm

Flyonthewindscreen · 03/11/2011 12:42

Yes, the party situation sounds odd and Sad for your DD. Presumably the party girl's mother is aware that it is your DD's birthday around the same time as her DD's if they have been to each others parties in the past? There is one other girl in DD's class whose birthday is closeish to hers and I always check with her mum that we aren't going to clash. Is it too late to reschedule your DD's party?

My DD (7) had a similar situation in Yr 2 with good friends suddenly not playing with her and on investigation, it turned out to be one rather domineering classmate telling the other girls that they they "weren't allowed" to play with her . I had several words with the teacher and it did get sorted, although DD decided herself to go off and find some other friends with a bit more backbone for a while.

Hope you can get to the bottom of this.

JuliaScurr · 03/11/2011 12:56

If the school is any good they will actively intervene to nip it in the bud. Definitely speak to the school, get specific commitments from them and see if it works. Good luck

Carni · 03/11/2011 13:36

Thanks mums. Feel I am an ad for car crash parenting!! However, action is the only option. I am going to resched the party good advice. Bit crazy as people coming in for it but if any more of the kids invited to both can make it it will make her happier. Have taken the mid day off work (NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE) to sort invitation revisions. Hopefully a few more yeses after this. Next year will talk to the other girls' mum we were new to the school last year and I don't think my dd got invited then either so I didn't know when her bd was. Now I do. I agree also on nipping in the bud. The teacher is of the tough love philosophy though so I'm not sure she will deem it serious enough to intervene. Plus with my party resched she is going to brand me a wacko! I will persevere, however. I sent a note with dd this morning but no response as to when we can chat as yet. Keep your ideas and experiences coming because I think my biggest fear is really that I can't fix her broken heart -- it's not broken yet but ...

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JuliaScurr · 03/11/2011 15:15

If the Head thinks you're wacko, change school. Find one with good social/emotional education.

Towndon · 03/11/2011 17:24

Agree with JuliaScurr.

mamseul · 03/11/2011 21:09

Oh, Carni, I do sympathise. Most important thing is that you spend time listening and talking to DD so she feels really loved and able to share with you rather than bottling up her feelings all the time. Kids can cope with a lot when they have that behind them. Def worth making school aware she's unhappy and why and asking them to keep an eye out. That should help stamp out more overt emotional bullying. Beyond that, maybe encouraging her to try to broaden her friendship circle a bit?

MCos · 04/11/2011 18:08

I had something like this with DD1, around the same age. The foursome of friends never fell out, but sometimes DD1 felt excluded (probably nothing intentional, DD1 is not always accommodating.). On quite a few occasions DD! complained to me that she didn't have anybody to play with during the break.

I organised some one on one playdates, allowing DD1 to build stronger bond with the friends in the group, and every so often I did a playdate for the 4 friends together. 3 years later, the four are still friends, but there does seem to be a definite pairing up of 2 sets of best friends.
The other thing I did was get DD1 into some hobbies that her friends were not involved in. She has made some nice friends through her hobbies, and that helped build her confidence too.

BTW - when I mentioned it in school the response was that DD1 was never on her own in the playground, that she was quite social. And this was from a very understanding teacher. So I think perhaps DD1 was not as 'alone' as she felt. But to DD1, it was how she felt.

Lastly, girls do this. Consider doing some role play, and give her some tips on how to join in, both with her own buddies, and perhaps joining in on other games that look interesting with kids outside her normal friends.

It usually gets easier as the children's social skills develop in the coming years. It certainly did for us.

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