My kids are constantly at war. Will it ever end????

[LizzyA123]

Help !!!! My nearly 5year old DS hits and nips his 8 soon to be 9 year old brother and 10 year old sister. He Pinches his siblings, snatches DD's glasses so she screams/cries like a banshee, kicks and slams doors and is rude to me. My other son winds my youngest son up then screams, wails and writhes on the floor when he retaliates physically. My older son is surly, aggressive(hits/kicks) younger DS, is rude and disrespectful to me and his Dad.

I too have tried the "softly softly", the "Tonne of bricks approach" and all shades between. I am constantly separating them, removing toys/tv/computer time/dessert/sending to bed early etc.

Nothing works and their behaviour is sometimes dangerous. As I write I put my two boys in the porch for 20 minutes to sort things out - failed. Younger son has screwed up DD's piano music and is now going to bed in a fury with no story and a last resort smack on the bum. Older son has been sent to his room. Got a pounding headache! I love my boys but hate their behaviour.

I wonder if some of it is attention seeking. I have gone back to work part-time and my youngest son has started school so there has been a lot of change to adjust to in our family life. I have a lot to catch up on when I get home and can't spend quite as much time with them on a one to one basis as before, although we always try to have individual time with each child.

Will they grow out of this or have I got problems brewing????

Have you tried the 'getting them to work together' technique? When they start fighting ask them to work together to sort out a list of things that they could have done differently to stop the argument, or even an appropriate punishment for each of them etc etc. If one comes in to tell a tale on the other during this process tell them that if they haven't got something nice to say about their sibling that they need to go away and think a bit harder.
I find it can work surprisingly well, and they soon are playing together again rather than fighting.

When they are fighting, they are really physical and frankly I am concerned that my older DS will really hurt his little brother as he is so much bigger and gets very angry. My youngest DS refuses to listen when he is in a fury every attempt to talk to him results in screaming and slamming doors. So don't think the work together technique will work during the war phase but may be when they have calmed down. It generally kicks off when I am not actively engaged with my youngest ie making dinner/breakfast/getting dressed/answering the phone/on the loo or trying to have a brew and 5 minutes peace. If youngest DS has 100% of my attention all the time he is happy.

Oh boo. Think you need to sort some of the worst behaviour out for each child before tackling the group. Maybe start with your eldest one. Getting so angry that he might hurt younger boy definite no no. I would do harder sanctions for the older one, and expect him to lead by example. Decide on the rules then stick, stick, stick to them.

Maybe you need to sit down super-nanny style and draw up the rules and stick them up in the kitchen. Explain the consequences of breaking the rule- take away older DS favourite TV/computer/toy etc/. Do you manage to stay calm amongst this mayhem? If you can but still follow through on consequences then I think that is the key (easier said than done I know).

It sounds like there is quite a lot of change etc so some of the behaviour is understandable, but not acceptable! Good luck!!

A bit calmer this week, as have had many exciting things to do, halloween, bonfire night, swimming sessions and cake making. Seems the key is to fully engage with them 100% of the time and only feed/dress/use loo/use phone when the little darlings are at school or in bed. .

Have you read "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" and by the same authors "Siblings without rivlary"

Excellent stuff in both books!