HELP PLS! So worried about doing it right - keep tearing up!

[Zai]

Newly returning to the site and remember how helpful members were when I was having my first son. Now have 2 boys, 3.5 and 2.5 - thank you in advance for the advice, sorry, it's a long one...

I was made redundant in June and managed to find some contract work that is paying very well for this last half of the year. I have now found (been offered) a permanent role that would pay alot better. This role would take away the flexibility i've enjoyed in the last 6 months and be a little more stressful..it would also include 5 or so 2-nights-away trips per year.

The reason i'm even considering the role is we have severely out grown our house (it's my father-in-laws so we'd have to go soon anyway as he needs it) and my oldest starts prep school in Sept 2012 - we need the money and "security" (for mortgage purposes) of a permanent role.

My concerns are spending time with the boys more - reading with them, creative play etc. The are currently at nursery/pre-school part-time, sometimes home with me, less often DH but more the mothers' help/pseudo-grandma that has been with us for a year. I do not feel she stimulates or engages them anywhere near as much as i'd prefer but as DH works nights, we need the bridge of childcare she provides when I travel or work later than ideal.

Do I sacrifice time with them now for the future? The new bosses have promised more flexibility in 6 - 12 months. Is DS1 better off with more time at school if i'm home less (as opposed to pGrandma?). I have been offered an extension of this contract for the whole of 2012 but at half the salary of my previous role and a third the potential earnings in the next. This role would ultimately lead to the skills to branch out on my own in the same field as well....

We are a young black-british family living south of the river in London. Though our area is nice and peaceful, raising 2 young boys in London scares me especially with a state-school system that perpetuates stats like "boys do worse than girsl" and black boys are performing worse of all"...

My oldest is the quiet/observant type (not quite shy) but independent but has been playing a little too rough at pre-school lately and with his brother at home. So much that I wonder how much of it is "play" and how much a growing aggression that needs serious intervention. Will my being around less and him being at school more make it worse?

Am I making it worse by being around less? How do any of you juggle a 9-5 and quality time reading, writing, learning with the children... (looking for any detailed practical advice for structuring the week/day). Overal, am I doing the right things?

All advice welcome please!

I think you can never do exactly the right thing if the 'right thing' means being the perfect parent. In the end, all people, including small children, are individuals and will make their own choices no matter how you parent them. You might not agree with some of those choices but you can't stop them making mistakes.

From what you've written, I'd say go with the permanent job. It's more money, you need the stability, they have already offered you flexibility once you've settled in. That looks like a winner to me. I'd be sure to schedule reviews with the line manager at 3, 6, and 12 months to critique your performance, bring it up to scratch where needed and put you in a strong position to out in a flexible working request.

I have to say I did smile at your 3 year old playing rough :) That's easy for me to do as I'm not his parent and I'm sure it does concern you, but he is a 3 year old boy, sounds like he comes from a caring home, and he will grow out of it. You have a few more years where the influence of you and your DH is stronger than that of his peers, so make the most of this time to set the standards of acceptable behaviour.

You do sound quite anxious and I think it would be worth you and your DH evaluating your expectations of yourselves, your employee and your children. Not every hour of the day needs to be structured; it is good for children to be bored sometimes so that they make their own entertainment. If there are certain skills that you feel it is important for your sons to have, factor them in but don't be unrealistic about what they can fit into their week without being exhausted, especially after nursery and prep school. For example, for me it is a priority for my son to learn how to swim. There are other things I would like him to do but that's the top of my list for extra-curricular activities.

Have you sat down with your mother's help and outlined exactly what your expectations are? If not, do that and agree on what is reasonable. She has spent a lot of time with your sons and will have input of her own, although of course you are the parents and her employer. It is worth fostering an open relationship with her so that she feels empowered to make her own decisions to stretch the boys or let them relax where needed, without having to refer back to you every time first.

In our family, both my DH and I work during the week and we have a lot of commitments on Sundays. Monday evening is family night and we are both home for that with no outside commitments. Friday evening is our (very corny) date night so my parents look after DS. Saturday is a family day where we spend the day together and any outside commitments are a matter of some serious negotiation. During the week I work 5 hours a day but I do need to bring work home and I also travel quite a bit. I manage my time well and do most 'homework' once DS is in bed. When I travel, I like to think of it as time where my DH can look after DS without me looking over his shoulder! I think they both enjoy that... I think they key thing is consistency, so DS knows that DH will almost always be home for tea, then give him a bath and put him to bed, with me appearing for a bedtime story. He knows that when I pick him up from nursery I will take him to the park, or soft play, or swimming, or something else fairly fun, because during that time my priority is him. When we get home, he has to amuse himself while I cook. It seems to work fairly well.

A book that I found helped me a lot in making parenting decisions is How to Raise a Brighter Child: The Case for Early Learning. It sounds like something a tiger parent would read but it's written by a journalist and sums up key parenting research on the early years and gives some food for thought on how to make the most of key developmental stages.

From Zai:

@AKMD - that is super helpful, thank you. I love that you laughed at my neurosis as it helps me realise that that is often largely what it is!

I think the majority of my worry regharding DS1 stems from that fact that he is so obviously very intelligent for his age. I want to make sure we are feeding that as much as we can and that it doesn't get overshadowed in the eyes of others by unchecked bad behaviour. Would hate for him to be labelled as distruptive or agressive - it's human nature to pigeon hole and form perceptions that stick. Tbh, they both behave rather more boistrously when i'm around Vs others anyway...

Thanks again; i'm definitely back here for good!

:-)

Good, glad it helped!

TBH I would be more worried if a 3 year old wasn't boisterous. Sensitive souls seem to have an awful lot of trouble socially and that can hinder confidence faster than anything else I can think of.

:-)

Took the job; thanks AKMD!

Now all I need is the successful recipe for structuring the day so the time I get with the boys is of the maximum quality possible!
:-/