anyone who has done or is raising children in a rough area?

[HeresTheScaryThingBooyhoo]

how did/do you keep them from all the not so good goings on?

my ds1 is 6 and in our old house was able to play outside with his friends. it was a small cul-de-sac in a quiet area with no through traffic and only a few children all ds's age and never any trouble. the new house is in quite a bad area. the house itself is great and the landlord is fantastic but it's the influence of the older children i'm worried about. since we moved ds has started saying the f word, he has called me it and today i heard him call another boy it after the boy kicked him in the privates (ds gets brought in anytime he does something naughty and he did today aswell). it's not just that though. there are older children who have let off fireworks during the day where the children play and some stupid idiots race scrambler bikes up and down the road once even with a baby on it with him!! some people have lit bonfires in the middle of squares at the back of the houses. there are dogs running round the place constantly,( i have warned ds not to approach any of them) i dont want to keep ds in all the time, it wouldn't be fair, he loves being outside and is so used to it from where we used to live. i am firm with him and he knows he will be disciplined for any bad behaviour but sometimes he doesn't even know that what he is doing is wrong because the other children are doing it. i caught him and another boy trying to climb onto a car one day!! the fronts of most of the houses dont have gates and the children just run in and out of teh gardens/drives and climb over the fences into the next garden. i have told ds he isn't allowed in anyone's garden without their permission, he knows this. he knows he isn't allowed up any of the alleys that lead to other parts of the estate but when his friends go off he is left standing there. there have been times when he gets carried away with what his freinds are all doing and he just follows them and then he cant hear me when i call him. a couple of times i have had to go looking for him trhough the estate. each time i have told him he cant leave our street but i know it is so hard for him when his friends are all doing it. i know it will only get worse as he gets older and he and his friends start getting more adventurous. i'm really struggling with this. i want to be able to settle and be happy, as i said the landlord and the house is great, i am really lucky that way, anywhere else in my area is far more expensive, but i dont want ds to get into a group where is going down the wrong path and if as long as we are living here, i can see that's exactly how things will go. i'm here until july at least but i dont know what to do once the lease is up.

With my dcs, if any trouble was going on in the street like you have described, I would bring my dcs in. Once inside, I'd explain to the dcs that the behaviour of the kids in the street was wrong for what ever reason and I didn't want my dcs getting caught up in it or blamed for something they were not doing. As they got older they would come in themselves.

I used to feel I was being unfair on my dcs and felt I was punishing them for other dcs behaviour. But now they are at secondary school, I feel I've taught them a very good life lesson. They are very good and confident to not get involved.

yes, that's where i need to be careful that ds doesn't feel like he is being punished or missing out because i know all too well how sweet the forbidden fruit tastes. my mum was so eager to lead me down a certain path and i was determined to do anything but the thing she wanted me to do. i have made quite a few life fuck ups as a result and i dread that my dcs will do the same. my best friend was raised on this estate and both her and her Dsis never got into any trouble, but they were never let out to play with the other children and she says tehy both hated it as children. she is grateful for it now, because she sees how she could have ended up but she says she used to sit at the window watching the other children and all she wanted was to be out with them. teh other children used to mock her and her sister aswell for it.

Hello hoo

I haven't raised children in a rough area but I was raised on one so I can give you an adults perspective. In all honesty as a family we were oddballs on the estate my mother was well spoken which translated as "snobby" or "stuck up". Children will pick up on differences and it's a real cause of bullying especially in rough areas where a gang mentality prevails.

In that situation as a child your either in, fighting, swearing, thieving required. Or your out which means your an easy target. Personally I spent a lot of time hiding at the local library and went to a high school out of our local area. Arguably I've done well, I went to a good university, got a good job etc.

Whilst I don't think I am exceptional, a lot of the people I went to primary school ended up as a walking cliche for a housing estate inhabitant (including my brother in case you think I'm a bit high and mighty), drugs, single teenage mums, violent thugs with criminal records and so forth. Not everyone but enough for it to be a concern.

If I were you I'd go with my gut and either look for another home or at least a school place outside the area so your son has alternative role models to the kids next door.

thank you gracie, that has been a really helpful post. i think you are right. whilst it is nice to have a lovely house and nice landlord, i have to think longterm and i know if i were to keep my children from this, it would mean making them the oddballs like my friend and yourself were. i dont want them to feel isolated from friends and neighbours, but i want those influences to be positive ones and i know they aren't round here.

In the mean time, make sure he has plenty of time outside the house. Beavers and cubs groups are great for socailising with positive influences. Also sports clubs like martial arts, swimming or football. Get in touch with the council or local neighbourhood group to see what affordable activities are available.
Also make sure you spend lots of time going out places. Take him the park, on bike rides, to museams. If your DS has lots going on in his life he won't feel like he is missing out.

he goes to beavers on a monday night, and he loves it. he did go to judo class for 18 months but he decided he didn't want to go back. he wasn't enjoying the classes. but i will try and see if there is something else that he could do to occupy his time. thank you.

I haven't brought my DCs up in a rough area, but I was brought up in a very rough area.

From experience, I think you would probably be better off living elsewhere. I turned out fine but that is because my parents were very strict and although I was let out to play, I was quickly punished for any wrong doing - I don't care if other kids do it,you afre not going to - was a frequent refrain.

But at the same time my parents kind of accepted that we would swear with friends - although never in the house. And that my brother would get into fights. If they hadn't, I think we would have both been badly bullied. Although we had friends, we were still seen as snobs by some.

I also think it depends how easily led your DC is. I wasn't and this made a big difference. My brother was and he did get into trouble with the police - although not seriously so. We also both went to a secondary school outside our area.

My parents also took us on lots of free trips outside the area - museums, galleries, walks, etc. They wanted us to see other ways to live and I think that was very helpful. In some rough estates the experiences and scope of the adults and kids is so narrow that I think you do need to make more of a concious effort to make sure your DCs aren't the same.

ds is quite easily led. he very much likes to fit in. i was planning to sort out the garden in this house so that my dses could play in it rather than out teh front, but that wouuld cost money and realistically, it will only keep them amused for so long. they will still want tp be out with the other children. no point spending money if i am going to move,

Sports clubs really, really help: different friends, positive effects of purposeful practice, being good at any sport is admired by boys that age, growing competence good for self esteem, a good coach is a good role model as are bigger boys who participate.

And then, if he's getting plenty of exercise, you can see about inviting his local friends in; get to know them a bit and their families. It might help you to have acquaintances and maybe friends.

You don't know how long you'll be there. Clear the garden, even if you don't spend on tarting it up. If there is a place that they like at hand, then they'll be less likely to roam. 6 is still young to play out anywhere; I'd work on the home-based options.

thanks scarevola. yes you have made my mind up. he needs to be doing some sort of sport in a group. i do try to get him involved in things at home, his younger brother is only 2 and ds finds him babyish and annoying, also, he takes alot of my attention and ds isn't getting as much as he would like. he usually ends up asking to go outside and play. when he is at school it isn't as bad as he gets home, i make him change, have a snack and do homework and then he really only gets a short while outside before i bring him in for dinner but weekends and holidays really bring it to my attention just how much he is outside. just as i was bringing him in earlier, some older children were setting off fireworks again.

The dark evenings will make it easier to keep in him for a few months!