shocked and upset - 4 year old put cushion over baby's head...

[satinandsilk]

That's it really. It hasn't really sunk in yet. It happened while I was at work today so I didn't see it and don't know what his demeanour was like when he was doing it (playful or aggressive) but it was enough for our very calm and lovely nanny to give him a hell of a telling off. His dad then followed up with another mighty telling off when he got home and heard about it. I'm still at work. What would you do? They share a bedroom and now I am scared that she might not be safe? She is ten months old. Should I take her out? Is that over reacting? He turned four in late July and is normally a happy, lovely little boy though he is definitely pushing the boundaries recently with naughty behaviour (eg not stopping doing naughty things when he's told - in fact, continuing to do them to test our reaction - that sort of thing, but just little things) He started school recently and seems to have settled in really well but his behaviour has definitely gone downhill since he started. Apart from starting school there have been no other big changes in his life - he has had the same lovely nanny for a long time; and no big changes to routine. The only thing is that I am working very long hours at the moment so spending a little less time with him than usual. I would really appreciate any advice/shared experiences but pleased be gentle - i'm already ashamed. I love him so much. I have been very proud of how little jealousy he's shown towards her before this.

Chances are your 4 yr old is not quite sure why they got such a telling off. Do you think your 4 yr old REALLY knew how dangerous it was? and did they hold the cushion there firmly or just "put" the cushion on sibling's head.

Yes a telling off is justified, yes it was a silly and dangerous thing to do. But don't beat yourself up too much. He's not the first young child to do it.

My brother survived the same thing, I was 3 at the time and didn't know what might happen . I just wanted to stop the noise my young brother was making . I put a pillow over his head while he was in his cot. I didn't suffocate him, I didn't know how to. HE just turned his head to teh side under the loose pillow, was able to breathe, then fell asleep. Next thing I knew I was getting a rocket from my parents.

Starting school is a MASSIVE change for your DS to be dealing with. Changes in behaviour seem to be par for the course with 4yr olds .

Thank you for those wise words. I was also sure he wouldn't have realised how dangerous it is to do that. Though I wasn't there I feel he was probably just being aggressive/playful rather than trying to genuinely hurt her. As he is testing us at the moment by deliberately doing things he's told not to do, it may be better for us not to overreact and make a huge deal of it.

Agree that he probably didn't realise what he was doing but maybe he is feeling a bit fed up, not seeing much of mum, started school and a baby sister to contend with!!!

I'm sorry but I think both your nanny & your DH have hugely over-reacted. I'm sure they both did it out of fear and with good intentions, but really - he's 4. He has no idea how dangerous it was. To him it's no different that playing peek-a-boo with a blanket. It may have been a game, it may have been to shut her up if she was annoying him - it was not to kill her and reacting like it was is vastly unfair.

I can understand you being scared (it's the main reason I wouldn't put an under 2 in a young siblings bedroom) but being ashamed it a very strange reaction.

Your second post is far more rational :)

ok, all calmed down now, as has husband. and yes, we probably all did over react. he's 4. he doesn't know better. the truth is that i'm hyper sensitive because I feel sad that i'm having to work such long hours at what is obviously a difficult time for him, and i'm hyper alert to any evidence that me not being around as much as usual might be having a bad effect on him. It's only a temporary situation, happily.

This has worried me now! I have a 4 yr old and a 10 month old and I want to put them in the same room. I was going to do it as soon as DD is sleeping through the night but maybe I should wait.

Molly - as I said earlier, I wouldn't, simply because 4 year olds do silly things :) It's the nature of the beast and I would spend the entire time worrying they were 'trying to make the baby warm enough' (with a blanket over its head), 'sharing their toys' (marble run anyone??) or some other 'helpful' thing I know other people do and the kids live to tell the tale, but it wouldn't be good for my nerves.

Satin - well that's good (that you have all calmed down), though your nanny should have known better than to make such a huge fuss in the first place, let alone tell you in the way she did so that you both got upset too. I hope you don't have to work the long hours for much longer, but I am sure that your nanny is doing a fab job and that he'd be doing these things even if you were a SAHP - then you'd fine a different stick to beat yourself with!! I hope you have the weekend off to relax:)

My Mum told me a story that when I was 5yo my newborn brother started to cry so I put a huge teddy in his cot!!! Nearly smothered him - luckily my mum found him and other than being a little red in the face he lived to tell the tale!!!

XxX