DS (7) and friends

[howdoo]

My DS1 is 7 and has an issue with his friends at school. He has friends, but just recently they started playing a game that DS1 didn't feel like playing (the games seem to go on every playtime for weeks/months), so he took himself out of the game. Now he says he wanders around on his own at playtime. He doesn't seem to want to join in the games/feels like he won't be welcome, so he wanders around and I think hopes that someone will pick him up and ask him to play with them.

My fear is that this will become a self fulfilling prophecy and he will end up with no friends. He can act like a bit of a victim. I have suggested that he just join in and I have, shamefully, got a bit irritated with him, because he is creating the problem, but can't see it I think. I've also said that other kids are too busy doing their own thing and so aren't thinking about him, but not in a bad way.
What else can I do? I can up the playdates but he doesn't often seem to get invited back (or maybe I am being paranoid!). Is it just a question of trying to increase his confidence at home?

He is a lovely, often thoughtful, and very bright chap, not very sporty.

What's the game he didn't want to play? I am wondering if there is something specific about that which made him feel he couldn't do it.

He just said it was boring - I don't think there was anything specific. There now seems to be a new game which is wrestling - he doesn't want to play that as he says it is against school rules and he will get in trouble. Part of the issue may be that a lot of boys' games at this age are very physical and he isn't really into that kind of stuff.

You say that he likes to act like a bit of a victim. Have you tried talking to him about that? Do you think he does it for attention in a way? Have you tried explaining to him how to approach other kids? I have done that with my DD, explained how you can go up to other children and what you can say to start a conversation. I know . . . you've probably done this a million times. Sorry don't know what else to suggest.

It's really helpful - thank you! I haven't really talked to him about starting up a conversation with other kids, so maybe I should do that. It is a form of attention seeking, in that he's waiting for other kids to notice he's on his own and scoop him up. He reads quite a lot into other people's behaviour - and usually negatively - so that ie. if no one comes up to him and asks him to play, he will think no one likes him. Argh! I feel like I know exactly what he should do, but obviously I can't make him do it!

Do some role play with him, in a light-hearted way, of what he can do in the playground. Have fun with it. If you play him and he plays the other kids and you do a grumpy sad face and he is busy playing wrestling or whatever, he may start to see the funny side and gain confidence in what to do. Role play a few scenarios with conversations etc, keep it light-hearted.

Good luck!

"It is a form of attention seeking, in that he's waiting for other kids to notice he's on his own and scoop him up"

Ds1 did this too. I had to tell him straight that it would never happen. That no-one except me, his father and his brother would ever follow him into the corner where he was sulking.
He took it on board pretty quickly and has flown ever since.

In that case then I think the role playing Tgger suggested is a good idea. Also talking to him about how others won't notice he is on his own as they will be too busy playing and having fun, so it doesn't mean they don't like him, they are just having fun etc. Also like I said going through pretend conversations on how he can approach people has helped my DD. I also think he is old enough to be told that if he doesn't join in then he is the only one that will suffer from that and that it is up to him to make the effort, no one will come and do the work for him. It sounds harsh but at his age I don't think it's too harsh.

I agree - I'll have a face the facts conversation with him if necessary. We have told him most of this stuff before but it may need saying again. Lingle, your post made me laugh!
Yesterday I asked him about it and he said that he did join in and he had a good time. So we'll see how the rest of the week goes. Thank you for all your help!

I would have a word with his class teacher and ask her to get him involved/playing with some other children at breaktimes.

Tryharder Yeah I'd probably do that too.

We had parents' night last night and talked to his teacher at length, and she is already on it (she's brilliant actually). Again, today I asked him if he had joined in and he said he had and enjoyed it - so I told him how proud I was etc. Hopefully we can keep this up. Thank you again for everyone's help - I will def try the suggestions here if he "backtracks".