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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Really awful situation with neighbour's 5yr old and my ds...help!

23 replies

collision · 26/12/2005 21:53

Went over to our friends yesterday evening and had a thai curry with turkey!!

Babies were in bed and my 3.8yr old ds and her nearly 5 yr old ds were playing downstairs together. They were a little quiet and so friend went to check on them. She was gone for ages.

Anyway to cut a long story short her ds had taken my ds into his tent and made him take his pants off and was playing with his willy!

I am trying to be cool about this but we are a bit upset about TBH. He said they were playing doctors but my ds said he was lying and they were playing babies. The prob is that he has done this twice before and knows it is wrong as friend has wiped the floor with him. He did it once a while ago with ds and I thought it was over with and also with his cousin. I feel bad that I didnt chaperone them more.

App the boy leapt away from ds when his mum came in and said sorry sorry sorry so he KNEW it was wrong.

The other thing is that at nearly 5 he constantly wets the bed and app plays with himself a lot. We are trying not to make things worse than they are but wonder if there is something else going on too,

DH said to post this as he knew you would all have some answers. I havent hidden who I am but feel really weird about it all really.

What do I do and do you think this is just inquisitive child play or something sinister?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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santabops · 26/12/2005 21:55

It is possible from what you describe but then again not iyswim.

The wetting the bed and plays with himself a lot sounds like my ds but he is only just 2...

Original poster

collision · 26/12/2005 22:15

OP posts:

SecondhandRose · 26/12/2005 22:27

They were just playing, don't worry, wilies are very interesting to little and big boys. Just tell DS that they are his private parts and to be kept in his pants and not shown off.

Pixiefish · 26/12/2005 22:29

Agree with Secondhand Rose. Probably harmless inquisitiveness

feastofsteven · 26/12/2005 22:29

Sounds like a cop out, but I would have a word with Parentline/NSPCC as you seem concerned. On the face of it, it sounds like the sort of experimental games kids play. The bedwetting may really be a red herring - if you look at the ERIC website a surprising number of kids still wet the bed even at age 11. It would be more of a concern if he had been dry at night and regressed, than if he had never been dry at all iyswim.

saadia · 26/12/2005 22:29

Just wanted to sympathise with this awful dilemma. I am totally unqualified to give any advice but perhaps you could find a tactful way to bring the subject up with your friend. Am I right in thinking that you think her ds might be a victim of abuse?

ESSgonnaBEEagreatnewyear · 26/12/2005 22:32

Message withdrawn

Original poster

collision · 26/12/2005 22:32

Thanks for the replies.

Ds was so sweet today though as he was asking about 'private' things. 'So Mummy...are fingers and thumbs private too? And our eyes? And our hair? Boobies and bums and willies are private and no one should see them...but they can see our faces cant they?!!!'

I agree about the bedwetting and regression and did think we might be reading too much into it.

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Original poster

collision · 26/12/2005 22:35

When it first happened I was the one who caught him and told his mum asap!! She was mortified and apologised profusely and said thanks for telling her.

She was so embarrassed yesterday but I made her talk about it as I wanted to know if he had done it before and with anyone else so she told me about the cousin as well.

I have worked with children for years and this hasnt happened before and for a 5yr old it just seems a bit advanced and he knows it is naughty. I dont really know if I think he has been abused but she told me yesterday that he plays with himself a lot and I said that maybe she should take him to the drs in case there was a prob with his foreskin etc

OP posts:

SecondhandRose · 26/12/2005 22:36

I once remember seeing Oprah and someone on there suggested to tell children that what are swimsuits cover is our private parts.

ESSgonnaBEEagreatnewyear · 26/12/2005 22:39

Message withdrawn

Original poster

collision · 26/12/2005 22:39

That is a good idea SecondhandRose. I will tell him tomorrow.

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MrsSpoon · 26/12/2005 22:46

Collision, I can understand you being worried and definately would keep an eye on what is going on when visiting this child's house. From what I have seen with my own DS1 boys can get a bit silly, especially in company. However I know this would be behaviour I wouldn't want either of my DSs picking up on and would be more vigilent about supervising play with this boy for that reason only.

I don't think the wetting is anything to be worried about, my DS1 is almost 7 and has regressed (was dry and is no longer reliably dry), apparently it is fairly common. He has also been very willy aware from very young, whereas DS2 shows almost no interest in his willy at all, often seems shocked by its presense.

merrySOAPBOXingday · 26/12/2005 22:49

I think it is one to keep an eye on - make sure future visits are closely supervised.

My DS is 5yo and I don't think this is the kind of thing he would think was acceptable. However, I wonder whether, when your neighbours boy crossed the line previously, it somehow made it easier to cross the line again and again!

I think the bedwetting is a factor but probably not too significant at the present time.

Original poster

collision · 26/12/2005 23:31

Hi MrsS......wondered if you would see this!

Thanks everyone. I will keep my eye on it (!) and feel sorry for this boy because he is a sweetie and his mum is gutted about it all.

I just hope it is a bit of silliness. DS seems fine with it all and we do talk about how silly it was and that he doesnt have to do what this boy tells him to do.

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Original poster

collision · 26/12/2005 23:31

Love the phrase 'willy aware'.

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Original poster

collision · 27/12/2005 09:13

any more experiences with this?

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tigermoth · 27/12/2005 09:31

agree with the others that it sounds like harmless experimenting. Having had two boys and seen them play with countless friends at that age, I do think some boys are more openly willy aware than others.

Just keep a closer eye on them for the time being - and phone childline so you are aware of what could signal less normal behaviour.

WickedWinterWitch · 27/12/2005 10:33

I haven't read any replies collision just your first post but I think this is just natural curiosity and I wouldn't really be worried. I probably would say to my ds 'your bottom and willy are private and you don't let anyone else touch them' in fact I think I prob did say something like that to my ds when he and a friend did a bit of this kind of thing when they were 4/5.

tortoiseshell · 27/12/2005 10:36

I wouldn't worry to be honest - ds is 4, is nowhere near dry at night. As far as I can see, all boys are fascinated with their willies. He and his best friend love 'weeing at the same time', and playground talk is 'willy' 'poo poo pants' 'poo poo head' 'wee wee' - think is just that age of boy. Lots of boys play with themselves too.

Poshpaws · 27/12/2005 10:41

I agree with those that say it's probably a boy thing. DS1 (4) and my nephew (6) used to always show each other their willies, etc. Once my BIL caught them playing a bum game (apparently sniffing each others bottoms .) They thought it was hilarious. He was a bit shocked at first but realised that neither one of them seemed fazed and left them to it!

ImdreadinganAUTIExmas · 27/12/2005 11:07

If you are worried about sexualised behaviour it is very different from this. This sounds like curiosity, and maybe some naughtiness. I would supervise their play quite closely when you are with him, but I wouldn't worry otherwise.

ISawFrannyandZooeyKissingSanta · 27/12/2005 20:57

This is definitely very common behaviour around this age. The only thing I would wonder is if your friend's little boy was a bit worried about anything as both bedwetting and fiddling with genutals can sometimes both be signs of stress.

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