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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

11 year old DD stealing - sorry rather long

10 replies

depob · 06/10/2011 23:33

Money going missing from my purse for weeks. Couldn't fathom it. Finally made a general announcement. Heartfelt denials from DP, DS, DD. It stopped for a few days then started again. Tonight 60 quid taken, only DD could have done it. I grimly started searching her room inch by inch, she denied it, carried on searching for an hour - every pocket, every book, every ornament etc. She carried on denying. Got tired of it and just said to her that I was going to find the money if it took all night, I was prepared to search the whole house. 60 quid suddenly appeared in the kitchen, she 'found' it and marched up to me quite aggressively saying I must have left it there. I told (quite calmly) that I believed she was lying and had put it there herself, and carried on searching. Another half hour later she went into her brothers bedroom and came out with another 70 quid.
I can sort of understand how she got into this whole scenario, I can sort of understand that it is probably to do with starting secondary school etc, I can sort of understand that she is only 11 and didn't think it through.
What I don't understand and this is really worrying me is that she could lie so plausibly over such a long period, that she could be so calculatedly sneaky and that she appears to feel no guilt. She is upset that she's been caught, but I see no sign whatsoever that she is actually feeling bad about the betrayal of trust. I now feel like I don't know this child, and I certainly don't trust her. I didn't take action for a long time because she was so convincing, I thought I might be going a bit dotty myself and spending it without remembering.
All pocket money, savings box, Ipod etc. have been taken away. I have cancelled a trip to town with a friend scheduled for this weekend. Any thoughts on what I should do to try and map a way forward for both of us?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

GumballCharm · 06/10/2011 23:37

Are you completely sure it is her alone?

You need to get to the bottom of her need to take the money. It sounds like she's trying to impress others at school maybe? New friends?

Be careful because those are large sums....what could she spend it on? Is she being bullied?

I think I would have beeen more concerned about WHY she took it...as in what for....rather than her lack of sorrow. She's 11...and possibly in a fix.

GumballCharm · 06/10/2011 23:38

Desparation can make good liars.

Original poster

depob · 06/10/2011 23:48

GumballCharm - After a long period of not being able to believe it could be her, I now have absolutely no doubt whatsoever it was her and her alone. I think you are right, I'll try and get her to tell me what she felt she needed it for - so far there has been no real response when I have asked her. I did find a lot of (expensive) chocolate wrappers in her room that had been hidden. Maybe she has an eating issue?

OP posts:

MrsLadywoman · 07/10/2011 00:16

Had a friend whose otherwise charming and sweet son would steal money and endlessly deny. She would warn us to keep our purses close by when we visited. It seemed that there was nothing really behind it (bullying, eating disorder, whatever) just he wanted the money for something, so he took it. He has grown out of it, but they basically had to keep on at him until he 'got' how out of order he was being.

I'm not saying there may not be another reason in your case, just that it can happen to the nicest kids and sometimes there isn't much of a motive.

Loopymumsy · 07/10/2011 06:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ripstheirthroatoutliveupstairs · 07/10/2011 08:31

I am astonished at the sums she took. I can see how an 11 YO would rationalise a fiver, but to think that 60 or 70 pounds wouldn't be missed. Wow.

GumballCharm · 07/10/2011 08:50

It's the sums that are worrying yes....it's so much that one can't think this is for mars bars at break time....

tattbag · 07/10/2011 09:01

i work with young peopel involved with the criminal justice system as just wanted to add my thoughts ...
no big crime, it is a LOT of money, but of course she lied ... backed into a corner that you've lied yourself into, you then only have the option to continue to lie!
Like others have said i would be concerned as to what the money is actually needed for, but suspect at 11 it would be most likely to impress others.
Your daughter clearly knows that she has done wrong and you have put good consequences into place, contine to do this. Be angry with her ... it is natural and a good life lesson for her, but also thaw from that and explain how her behaviour has truley made you feel - try to get to the heart to heart conversation soonish.
Silence is the most uncomfortable thing for young people - she will get to the point where she wants to please you again, rather than her peers.
You've done the right thing ... keep going!

HarlotOTara · 07/10/2011 09:41

I too work with young people, mainly in schools who are at risk of being excluded and/or failing. I take it your dd has given you back £130 which is a lot for an 11 year old. I would be very concerned about why she was stealing etc. and in my experience happy children don't feel the need to steal. Making the transition to senior school can be very hard, she may not tell you immediately if there is a problem but I would be expecting there to be a problem somewhere.

pranma · 07/10/2011 21:43

That is a huge amount of money for her to have taken.Is any more missing?How old is your ds?Is she perhaps trying to 'buy' popularity at her new school.I imagine she feels quite relieved at having been stopped-now she needs to be reassured that she is loved and that you will help her through.Dont let your natural anger and distress go on too long.She sounds as if she needs your understanding now.

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