"Ridiculous things trigger the hitting at present, such as putting a cup of water "in the wrong place" on a table..."
That sounds like he has a big anxiety issue, to me.
We had very similar triggers last year on holiday with our eldest dd, and we also thought about seeing a child psychologist when we got home, because her behaviour was so awful - everyone was walking on eggshells. However, soon as we got home - it stopped almost overnight. Overtiredness and anxiety was the cause - terrible combination for small kids.
So now, same dd has just started reception and although her teacher has only ever said she's had one 'lovely day' after another, and she keeps coming home with stickers for good behaviour - the anxiety has once again come out at home.
We've had tearful episodes where she's said how much she misses nursery and 'doesn't like school', and also disturbed nights where she's woken up in the early hours screaming and crying, or come into our bed for a cuddle.
Although it's not as extreme as before, we also noticed an increase in thinly-veiled aggression in week 2 of school - like 'games' where she started off 'play-hitting' one of us, but with an edge of underlying tension. Then if we pointed it out, she'd tear up, and ask for a cuddle. It's improved now, a month in, but it's all definitely anxiety-related.
Things that help for us:
- Dd especially loved nursery, and I always knew the change would be hard - going from being a big fish in a small pond, to a tiny fish in a bit of a lake. It's the first time children probably ever experience a 'goodbye', situation, and for some sensitive types, it's a huge loss.
We have photos from nursery and once or twice I've got them out and we've looked at them, together. She has usually had a bit of a cry, but it has also enabled us to talk about it - now she says "It's sad isn't it, when we have to move on?", but there is less bottled-up sadness. I've also found it more effective to empathise with what she says, so rather than a trying-to-encourage, "Don't be silly, you'll be fine. You'll make lots of new friends!" Just a "Yeah, it's sad sometimes", and a sympathetic hug works wonders.
We visited nursery one afternoon for a few minutes, and she had a cuddle with some of the old staff again, showed off her school uniform etc, was made a fuss of. She could also see for herself that none of her old nursery peers were there - I think it might have helped with coming to terms.
Unfortunately most of her closest nursery friends went to different schools, but we do have regular playdates with one, so there is an element of continuity.
- Walking home from school - is brilliant. It's about a 30min walk, but we also stop in a playground quite often. I would say she gets a LOT out of this bit of transition from school/home. It's a chance for her to reflect and chat about the day if she wants, and because we're both walking, it's less like me interrogating her for information, but she also has my undivided attention. Quite often the stories come tumbling out!
The other thing is, it's a great way of signalling to her, that she also has 1:1 time - obvously now she's in school Mon-Fri she knows there are days when her 2yo sister is home with me all day, and it may be a source of jealousy. So, on DD2's nursery days, I keep DD2 in nursery til 6pm as before, so I can do the pick up with 4yo - and we have that time after school together.
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Quiet time for an hr at home after school - I go and potter about, sort her out a drink and a snack and leave her alone to chill in peace. She can curl up on the settee if she wants, play, watch TV, do some colouring, look at books, whatever. Sometimes she asks for a bubble bath.
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We try and get her to bed a bit earlier as the school runs mean she's up earlier. Can't help the changes, but we try and do what we can about overtiredness. Still aiming for approx 11hrs sleep a night.
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Reasonable choices where possible are great. The sense of retaining some control in times of change helps, and pre-empts the OTT tyrannical behaviour.