Advice about nephew doing stuff to daughter please

[hercules]

Not really for behaviour/development but there you go.

My sister adopted a little boy a year ago who is very boisterous. He has always been a little rough with dd but things were getting better. He is 3, she is two. REcently each time we meet he constantly tries to push her, spit at her and hit her. Each time she takes a toy or shows an interest in something he rushes in and takes it. IF I carry dd to take her out of harms way he hits my leg.

My sister does all the right things - naughty step etc (big fan of supernanny) and has worked wonders with him generally. I understand all the issues etc that he's been through and love him to bits.

The problem is I am starting to think twice about meeting up as I know it is going to be misery for my daughter. The only slight resentment I have is that he gets told off in the same way she tells him off for something very minor and the methods arent working.

The irrational protective mum in me screams inside that's my baby he's just thrown a heavy object out! but I dont want to overreact to a situation which my sister does all the right things and of course he is simply a child doing what kids do.

I am close to her but would find it really hard to discuss it with her as I know it would really make her distraught as she has had bad reactions from other people before.

Any advice welcome!

just reread my title and sounds a bit weird!

can you avoid for a few months? but be honest about why

you're right its a phase, he'll grow out of it

I could be we meet up a lot and are close. He's only been with us for a year and I want to continue to bond. My mum thinks I should avoid situations like that except if there are enough people to watch them.

I do think its a standard toddler phase possibly exacerbated by jealousy

interested in how else would you like her to tell him off?

I'm pretty sure it is attention seeking as he is besotted with my sister and i guess most of the time we are together my sister's attention isnt all on him. I know she does the right thing but when dd is crying inside I want her to shout at him. Mad,as I'm not a shouter and it would of course be pointless.

PErhaps I've answered my own question ie my sister and i need to spend time ignoring each other more and her focusing on him more.

have you bonded with him herc?

Sounds also like jealousy, but as an adopted child he is trying perhaps to push you away- testing you to see if you really are there as his family. IS there any way you could spend a little time with him on your own- maybe take him to see Christmas lights, or to buy a small toy in the sales? If he realises that A) you care and B) your Daughter isn't a threat, chances are he'll calm down I would have thought.

Probablye xaccerbated by his being a 3 year old boy BTW- they do tend to go through phases like this, even when they haven't been through so much!

Another thing would be to all meet up, but do things where you can keep them in buggies- alking for example- so they get to spend time without the violence becoming a possibility.

There's nothing irrational BTW about being upset about a heavy object being thrown at your dd. She ShOULD be varying her discipline, however as Aunty can you not also tell him off? I would expect my sisters to do so, and frankly they would regardless of my expectations anyway!

Honestly? I thought I had but we never get time alone and it is always a battle between him and dd so difficult. I know I love him and I would love to be able to babysit him without my own dd there but this isnt possible.

I dont want to have a break from seeing him as we would go backwards and we need to go forward.

Yes, I do tell him off as well and my sister doesnt mind that. It happens that as she is there she usually does it.

DO you think if I managed to spend one to one time with him that he would stop doing what he does to dd?

He goes to preschool and doesnt have problems there.

thanks for really good advice btw

I think trying to strengthen your bond with him could be valuable .. although admit that would be tough when you're worried about your own child's safety

tough one .. wish you luck .. maybe christmas will give you more time to do this

Thanks. Yes, xmas would be a good time as we are all on holiday.

I don't suppose one visit alone would change everything, but it might just break that routine of seeing you in a certain situation. And you might enjoy it enough to make a few more visits (could your sister and you swap for an hour? maybe go to library- easy to give one on one there).

Yes, that is a good idea

"PErhaps I've answered my own question ie my sister and i need to spend time ignoring each other more and her focusing on him more."

yep only way- sorry but in this situation the only way to deal with it is get in before it happens. It's tedious (ds1 is taking an "interest"- for which read wanting to pinch him to make him scream to see inside his mouth- in ds3 at the moment) but only way. If there are lots of attachment issues it's not something that's going to respond to normal discipline.

We went through a similar thing with my dd1 at about the same age. My friend's daughter was very physical, pushing, pinching etc etc. My dd1 practiced at home shouting in a loud voice "NO xx" with me pretending to be x (to much laughter as you can imagine!) but it worked for us - the other girl stopped hassling her after dd1 had done this a couple of times.

hth, I really feel for you.