Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

Original poster

4-year-old having outbursts of anger - any good books / tips on helping him overcome them

15 replies

wolfhound · 03/10/2011 16:35

My 4-yr-old DS is suddenly having outbursts of anger - he doesn't hit, which is good, but he does totally lose emotional control - shouting, wailing, hammering on doors, demanding we give in to unreasonable demands etc.

Anyone know any good books or have any tips on how to help him move past this?

So far I am 'talking him down' (kind of hostage-negotiator style) which does work, but takes a lot of time and energy.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

deaconblue · 03/10/2011 20:17

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Ds has sn but same applies for nt kids according to our consultant paed. When he tantrums you should leave the room and carry on as if there is no sound at all. Wait til he calms by himself and then tell him how pleased you are he's feeling calmer. The dr explained to me that my 'talking him down' was preventing ds from learning how to self-calm. We've been doing this for about a month and the tantrums are def finishing quicker than before. Important to give him attention once he is calm tho

Original poster

wolfhound · 04/10/2011 13:43

Oh that's interesting, will think about that. I have bad memories of being put in my room on my own when I had tantrums at that age and don't want to set that up in DS though.

OP posts:

deaconblue · 04/10/2011 18:36

Agree. We just leave him where he is and pretend to be terribly busy with washing up or some other job. I always say 'I'll just leave you to calm down, come and find me when you feel better' which is against the pad's complete ignoring but makes me feel better

Original poster

wolfhound · 05/10/2011 09:58

Yes, that sounds a bit kinder. I can see the tantrums aren't his choice - it's just him being overwhelmed with emotion and losing control, so I don't want to 'punish' him, more to help him work out how to gain more control.

OP posts:

deaconblue · 05/10/2011 12:48

Yes. I was ignoring if ds tantrumed over unreasonable stuff like wanting an extra turn on the computer but if he was genuinely upset I was talking him down, cuddling him etc but the tantrums kept on coming. The paed explained that any attention for unwanted behaviour reinforces said behaviour so it was best to withdraw attention completely. Makes sense but it's very hard to ignore a tired, distraught child. Ds tends to follow me around sobbing and trying to cling to my leg, I talk to him as if he's perfectly fine and keep trying to ignore.

deaconblue · 05/10/2011 12:50

We've also tried getting him to take deep breaths and count to ten when he starts getting upset - that works sometimes so might be worth a try. Dh lays on the floor next to him and does exaggerated deep breaths to try to get ds to join in

lightroom · 05/10/2011 12:56

I really like the strategies in Faber and Mazlich's book 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk.' I go back to that book all the time (ds1 now 9 and ds2 is 6)

deaconblue · 05/10/2011 13:40

Agree I love that book too

CocktailQueen · 05/10/2011 13:42

Agree - love that book too.

Hugs are the only thing that work with my ds. He's 4.5 and just the same tho he's also started to throw things. Hold him tight and he calms down. Have told him to bash a cushion if he feels cross.

Original poster

wolfhound · 05/10/2011 13:57

I've got that book so will have to read it again. I get what you are saying shopping about giving too much attention to that behaviour - I do feel sometimes that I'm giving so much attention to calm down DS1 that I am ignoring well-behaved (for the moment...) DS2, which is hardly fair.

OP posts:

MoonFaceMamaaaaargh · 05/10/2011 15:04

it might be worth remembering that anger normally a product of another emotion such as frustration or fear. Maybe giving them vocabulary to talk about that and recognising it will help you work through the source.

Original poster

wolfhound · 06/10/2011 13:41

Frustration definitely rings a bell here. Have started trying to talk about that, but when he's angry he's too wound up, and when he's not, he doesn't want to talk about it. Early days yet though. He's just started pre-school, which he absolutely loves, but I wonder if it's related to that - he's probably processing an awful lot.

OP posts:

deviladvocate · 06/10/2011 13:47

i heard that 4 year old boys have more testosterone in their systems than at any other time. I've certainly seen a massive increase in aggression and frustration from mine over the past few months. Just off to Amazon to order the Faber book, could use the help....

ratflavouredjelly · 27/11/2011 23:55

This thread has really helped me - thanks! I have an angry and cross 4 yo DS at the mo!

RubyCharlie · 29/11/2011 17:31

I'm another one with a 4 year old who I love dearly and has fantastic days but at other times he has me in tears with his anger and demands. I have got to the point where I am almost 'scared' of saying something because I am waiting for his reaction which could be either happy or sudden screams of anger. Does anyone else find this as well? Thanks for the book tip - I have ordered it just now.

Flip