Please can you reassure me my illness hasn't affected my daughter

[happygilmore]

or if not, please be very gentle! Apologies for how long this is.

My DD is 16 months old and to say things have been tough since she was born is an understatement. I had an underlying health condition that I didn't know about and after I gave birth this led to huge (life threatening) complications. It's taken months to even get a diagnosis as the condition was rare, and it was virtually impossible to find anyone to listen when I was ill long after she was born. I ended up with a brain injury (after she was born) which I am still recovering from. I have also had to have surgery to correct the other underlying health problem, which seemed to be a success. I have ongoing health problems but am fine in terms of higher level brain functioning - it makes me feel ill, rather than affects my speech or anything like that.

Because of my health we have not done the things with DD that we would have wanted to, and I'm very conscious she spends nearly all of her time with just me or DH. I have no friends with children and we have no family to help us. She is very happy with us and used to be very sociable with strangers but now is very wary, but ok if we are there. She gets very upset if we leave her on her own, which I know is probably just normal separation anxiety, but has lasted a long time now.

I'm trying to take her to two groups a week, which is really all I can manage due to my health. We've been going to one for about 3 months, and she won't crawl off and explore (can't walk yet) but gets very upset if I'm not next to her. The other group is a music group, which we have only been going to for a couple of weeks. She seems to get very anxious if not on my lap, but is normally fine just as it is ending! All the other children are crawling or running around, and she normally is on my lap clinging to me.

She's quite timid in some ways, e.g. scared of doing things herself and doesn't explore too much without me around, although this is increasing a bit. If, for example, I;m in the shower she will generally stay in the bathroom with me, rather than be off in the bedrooms or whatever.

Gosh this is long. Anyway, is this normal? I'm so upset that my health has affected DD but there's nothing really more I can do. She is a very happy soul with me and DH but I do worry I've affected her confidence and/or made her very wary of others.

Get in touch with Social Services, see if you can get some help with housework etc? Loads of able bodied people don't do as much as you, don't beat yourself up. Try disabledparentsnetwork.co.uk

That's reassuring AKMD! House is not that bad when you first look at it, but it isn't great when you put your glasses on and look a bit closer. No poo on the walls fortunately though!! I hope the lab tests come back OK. It's a cliche but your health is really the most important thing in life, isn't it?

I don't think I'd want to contact SS, alice. I don't know, I think I'd feel bad taking support from someone who needs it more (I always hope that things will improve soon for me, silly really as it's been quite a while but there you go). Sorry that link didn't work?

HI, couldn't not reply after reading your post.

Firstly, I think what you've done with your daughter sounds lovely. Two groups a week sounds plenty. My son and I have been to a varied number of groups a week depending how I feel. I have had long stretches where I haven't gone because I don't fancy it. Some days we love spending time just faffing. I think your daughter is lucky to have your love and attention so much.

I also have a very lovely SS, loads of friends at school. He went to no - repeat no - baby groups and was always with his parents until past the age you describe.

My OH came home the other day and told me there had been some recent research that over-scheduling babies time is BAD as they need to potter and do stuff in their own way to really develop. I breathed a big sigh of relief on hearing this as many days my son and I have faffed about doing nothing much.

I have found my local children's centre very helpful, I think you could get a support worker. I had one when I was strugglingafter my son's illness. Helped a lot.

Enjoy your daughter (and ignore your MIL ) x

Thanks so much chelen, I'm so touched people have taken the time to reply. It's so hard to talk to anyone in real life, so to get so much support on here today as helped me enormously. I lost my mum at a young age and I guess I am missing someone (other than my lovely DH) telling me we're doing OK. In any case I do need to ignore my PIL (we do normally!) because their ideas on childcare are bonkers, to be polite. They tried to force us to put DD in full-time childcare because I was so ill and unable to look after (DH was off work). Fair enough they worried about his job, but they were literally ringing every night, telling us off. Poor DH had a newborn to look after, plus a very sick wife, and had his parents ranting at him on the phone night after night. Plus lots of other not very nice things..anyway I digress!

Unfortunately I don't think the children's centre will be able to help - that's where the HV is based and I think (could be wrong) that would be the support available to us. Maybe I should call, but I just felt like unless I had PND (and I am really not knocking anyone who does, I would hope they would support families going through that) they weren't interested. In fairness to her, I don't suppose there is that much they can do - I just need to get better, hopefully in time I will.

Sorry meant to add, is your son OK now?

Hi, my son is fine now thanks.

About the children's centre - it isn't the HV who comes, its a Family Support Worker. Some are idiots but some are lovely. You might get lucky. It isn't just for PND, its for anyone having a bit of a bad time.

I'm glad its helped you posting on here. Some days being a mum is so lonely - weird when you never get a minute to yourself! And its extra hard when you don't have your own mum to help with getting head round actually being a mum.

Do you feel you've had/are getting enough support for you as you, rather than for your daughter? I just wonder how much help you're getting dealing with the health issues, with all that's happened? Please tell me to neb out if you don't want to talk about it, but seems you've had a lot on with your health problem and a new baby.

I think I remember getting a leaflet actually from someone now you mention it, that may have been her job title. I will look into it, thank you.

DH is an amazing support, he has kept me going. He does so much, and makes me rest every night when he comes home from work, he doesn't stop for hours. I don't know how he does it but he is amazing. We have some family that have been great, but unfortunately live some distance away. Other than that no real support, but in all honesty, I suppose there is little anyone can do. All I want to do is get back to normal and on with my life, and that's what I can't do just now. I'd like to make some friends but it's hard to do that just now - practically I can't really get out, and when I do, I can't meet up again afterwards etc. I'm sure it'll all be fine in time but I suppose I wish I had a good friend or family member close by who I could chat to.

Your DH sounds great (maybe he could have a word with mine!!!!)

I hear what you're saying about wanting to get back to normal, ever since my son was ill I've had this vague sense that normality is a bit like the top of the mountain - every time I think I'm there its just a little bit further!

Hopefully as time goes by you'll make more contact with other people, and get more social support in your area. In th emeantime there's always this place

www.disabledparentsnetwork.org.uk
try that one! The most useful thing they told me was that we have rights to be assisted to do whatever we would have done, including parenthood, if we hadn't become disabled (permanent or temporary). Please don't feel bad getting help - we are the people who need it more right now. I do understand it's difficult to be your own advocate, so DPN could help you there. You have a right to help you need. You sound like you are doing well caring for dc. Don't panic.

Thanks everyone

Sorry posted too quick, thanks everyone for your help. I'm feeling a bit less guilty which is good! I really, really appreciate everyone taking the time to post.

Sounds like you're doing really well, I'd echoe the others by saying two groups a week sounds plenty for a 16month old. I think separation anxiety reaches a peak between 12-18 months? so just see it as a normal stage of development like anything else.

Try looking at it another way - my DD, as soon as she could walk, she would run off at any given opportunity, literally I'd be chasing her down the street, it was just random... a nightmare. I would have loved her to be clingy once in a while. So maybe don't see it as a bad thing?

On another note, has anyone suggested Homestart to you? Maybe look at their website, see if it could be of help to you.

I think you're doing a brilliant job anyway.