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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

4.5 yr OLD- BAD BEHAVIOUR AT SCHOOL!!!

18 replies

milosmum · 16/12/2005 20:01

My little boy is 5 in march and is on the whole a really good child BUT for the past 3 months hes been doing some terrible things at school. He has bitten 2 children (quite badly) and punched another in the face! this has really upset me as he does nothing of this kind at home ( he dare nt!!!), both me & dh are happy and dont argue- let alone around him nor is he allowed to watch violence and tv etc, so we are shocked by this.

We have spoken to his teacher who says he does these things when he has "free time"- ie a choice of what he wants to do. In other structured time he is a darling and works so hard. She says he is very intelligent and has a reading age of 6 but im so shocked by his actions. i just dont know what to do.
We have a reward chart - but that just isnt helping at the moment......HELP!

OP posts:

thecattleareALOHing · 16/12/2005 20:02

I think the teacher should be dealing with this. And it seems obvious that she needs to structure his 'free time' and give him stuff to do. In fact it seems so simple, I can't work out why she's not doing it.

Original poster

milosmum · 16/12/2005 20:04

i did suggest the same thing myself! felt a bit of a fool though...

at home he likes to know whats happening throughout the day and it is very structure- hes lost when he has a choice! does that sound horrible?

OP posts:

WigWamBam · 16/12/2005 20:07

I agree with Aloha - if it's just a problem when he has free time then his teacher needs to be restricting his choice and structuring his free time more. And maybe even helping him to learn how to plan his own free time better himself. You shouldn't feel foolish for having suggested it - sounds like common sense to me.

Original poster

milosmum · 16/12/2005 20:12

thanks ladies!

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WigWamBam · 16/12/2005 20:14

Have you tried talking him through making choices? Perhaps giving him a couple of suggestions of things to do and asking which he enjoys most, and maybe planning with him what he might do in his free time that day or the following day?

Original poster

milosmum · 16/12/2005 20:18

that is one thing we always do with him, is talk.... this is why i find it so bad. He can express himself so well but i think maybe he has too much choice and wants to play with all his friends.... i just dont want him with no mates because of what hes doing to them.

today was the last straw as he bit my friends son (hes in the same class as him) and he plays with him at weekends, they get along so well..... luckily enough my mate was great about it, "kids will be kids" is her motto!

OP posts:

thecattleareALOHing · 16/12/2005 20:23

what did the teacher says when you made this eminently sensible, and, indeed bleedin obvious suggestion to her?

Original poster

milosmum · 16/12/2005 20:27

she just said it would have to be considered.!!!!! i just asked if it was possible to choose what he does at this tme instead of giving him the option.

she lined herself up for it really when she stated that any other time she has no problems with hi at all......

OP posts:

thecattleareALOHing · 16/12/2005 20:27

Well, exactly! I think you might need to push this. She sounds a bit dopey tbh.

Glitterygook · 16/12/2005 20:31

I think the earlier suggestions are good but obviously you also need to emphasise quite heavily that this behaviour is not acceptable for whatever reason. I think you need to be quite harsh about it personally because you won't be able to remove all situations where he might feel lost or frustrated.

This week I was told by the teacher at the end of school that ds1 (also 4.5 and in reception) had hit a little girl in the classroom. She was fine and said she'd talked to him about it but I was livid.

When we got home I banned TV for that afternoon/eve (qutie harsh as he is addicted to Takeshi's castle so was really upset not to see it) and he was banned from the playroom totally, NO TOYS - he had to sit with me in the kitchen all evening and I made him construct and write a letter of apology to the little girl which he gave her the next morning. I gave him a stern talking to about it - I asked why he'd done it (she was sat on the 'star helper' chair and it wasn't her week!) but then made it clear that in any circumstance where he felt cross, frustrated, upset etc he should tell the teacher but he must never, never push or hit another child.

The reasons you give for his behaviour could well be true, but it's also just about adjusting I think. Like your ds, mine never engaged in 'fighting' games or did pushing and hitting before he started school. He had no idea what Power Rangers were and he only watches Nick Jnr or Thomas videos!! It's partly learned from children at school, some of whom will have older siblings, and partly just that they are not sure yet how to deal with some of these new situations and simply lash out.

Sorry if I've stated the obvious here! I'm sure you know all this! Just thought I'd put my thoughts down

Glitterygook · 16/12/2005 20:32

hehe - just realised I said he watches Takeshis castle (like it's a knockout only Japanese) and then said he only watches Nick Jnr - OK, and Challenge!

Original poster

milosmum · 16/12/2005 20:34

thanks glitter! im on the same lines- hes got no tv or dvs for the whole weekend- at least! he also as no swimming on sunday either! (he goes every week as he loves it!).... we also do the whole 5 mins in solitary (the hall!!!!) but i just dont know whether this is enough or too much?

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Original poster

milosmum · 16/12/2005 20:35

bit weird as my dh loves takeshi also!!!

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Glitterygook · 16/12/2005 20:37

Ah, the whole weekend - well done! Wouldn't be able to do this - dh is in charge while I work - he won't cope without toys and tv!

Ds1 knew how cross I was and that I meant business because i wouldn't normally completely ban toys or tv - in fact I've never done it before, usually just a telling off and that's it. I want to nip this in the bud though - I don't wnat him lashing out at people, I'm just not going to tolerate it.

Candide · 22/12/2005 03:52

Milosmum - you could be me although my DS is a bit younger 3.7. He has just started doing the same things at nursery school (which he started in October). Every day for the last 2 weeks the teachers have told me he has committed another act of violence against his classmates, including his really best friend.

Today he bit someone in the playground because "they were talking rudely to me".

I feel like I am raising some kind of thug. DH & I never bite each other!

He has never done this kind of thing before but it seems to me that the trigger for all this violence is frustration with other children not doing things the way he wants. They have lots of free play at his nursery school which means that he does have to learn how to play with other children on his own.

My DS is also articulate and generally well behaved if he's doing something that engages him or with an adult. However I can see he really has a lot to learn about social skills. He's been fine with other children up till now but then I've always been there to intervene in tricky situations e.g. at playgroups/ playdates. Maybe this is the case with your DS too.

The teachers at his school are very good about it. We are trying to follow their techniques if he does the same kind of thing at home to his friends/ our DD - using time out on chair with resort to time out in another room if he won't stay on chair. I haven't tried anything more draconian yet as I think he has already been punished at school for it. We have however started a star chart to reward good days (depressingly few at the moment).

The teachers are also encouraging him to "use words" - i.e. tell the other child what you want, tell a teacher if there's a problem etc.

I'm hoping that he'll grow out of it but feel pretty dispirited at the moment. I'd be interested how you get on with your DS.

Its nice to know I'm not alone ....

Original poster

milosmum · 22/12/2005 11:03

candi- you arent alone! hes finished now for xmas but hes obviously not the same kid at school as he is at home!

OP posts:

Candide · 04/01/2006 14:47

hi Milosmum - has your ds started back at school yet & hows it going? Mine is starting tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to it. He's been really good over Xmas but today one of his friends from nursery came round to play and his behaviour was awful. He just got so over excited and silly and this resulted in 2 injuries to friend plus 2 confinements to his room (my DS).

Argh!!

Shimmers · 04/01/2006 22:51

Milosmum, has the teacher given you more info about why she thinks he gets physical during free play? Could his frustrations lie with sharing resources? Try and find out from the teacher and your child why these actions take place. If it is a sharing issue, maybe the teacher could introduce a rotation of resources. Hopefully he should soon realise that although he may not get to play with something immediately, he will get a go. Sharing is a difficult concept as most young children see the world as themselves being number one.

I would also remind him every morning that he is going to have a good day and put a positive slant on it rather tham saying, don't hit today, don't push etc. but rather, I know that you are going to have a great day today and play nicely etc, etc. THe teacher could get together a smiley face sheet for free play, which goes home every day and then you could let him know how proud you are of him. If he has had a bad day, then I would take a few of his toys a way and say that he can have them back, if he has played nicely at school...

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