Please help im at the end of my tether with my 4 year old

[debbsythemum]

where do i start got that many issues going on with my 4 year old at the moment.
I split from my sons natural father just before he was 2 his natural father saw him for a little while then stopped seeing ds altogether,after having a child with his new girlfriend.I then met a wonderful man who had at the time a 6 year old ( 3 yrs ago) he treats and brings up ds as his own and everything was great ds even calls him dad.I then became ill and spent a great deal of time in hospital last year, we tried to keep ds life as stable as possible, he came to see me every day and never saw me when i was in alot of pain as we shielded him from that.He was a little bit clingy when i came home from hospital following me everywhere,which was of course to be expected.We then were highly delighted last November when we found out we were having a baby.This is when things started to go down bank ds had been staying dry overnight for over 18mths and has now gone back into big boy pants as i call them(nappies) we involved both the boys all the way through the pregnancy even taking them to the scan with us when we all found out we were having a little girl,which they were v excited about.Ds constantly looked for reassurance telling ME and only me he loved me, ispent lots of one on one time with him,cuddles i love you's etc all to offer reassurance to him.He became very anti my partner all though still calling him dad didnt show any love to him and just ignores him mostly.Then dd was born again lots of love cuddles one on one time given to ds who has now started to argue with me, not eating properly sometimes,playing up when we are out, v v clingy towards me and only me,not really that interested in his little sister.
Ds causes disruption in the house and arguements everyday over nothing at all,he makes this shrill noise to simulate crying when he doesnrt get his own way over the slightest thing and it is as if he just wants to upset all of us all the time.I think its an attention thing with him because he is no longer the baby but no matter what we do its never enough.
This is getting me down so much i just want things back to the way we usec to be we have all been through so much over the past 2 years we just want a stable happy home life again,please help us....

Also my ds has no recollection of his natural father so its not even that thats causing this behavior.We do lots of things as a family and i regularly spent one on one time with ds so it isnt as if he is lacking attention in any way :(

Sounds like my DS1. Our DS2 is 12 weeks old and DS1 is nearly 5 so he's been the Only forever! He doesn't like the new bb at all and is very vocal about it.

Very clingy, asking for hugs etc off me not Dad, sounds exactly the same as you.

I had to change the way I was dealing with DS1 because however hard I tried not to, I was constantly telling him to shh, be quiet, don't wake the baby, wait while I change DS2 nappy, wait while I feed DS2 etc and obviously he has found it very hard to deal with.

He is slowly coming round but still wants the bb to go and live in another house!

I've started to tell him at the beginning of any task what we're going to do. So for example, it's nearly lunch time and DS1 and 2 are hungry, DS2 tired and DS1 wants to play - I explain that DS1 can have a snack while I feed DS2, then once bb is asleep we can go and sit down and have some lunch and then play. It's helped that I explain to him that if he wakes the bb (DS1 does purposeful noises) that I won't be able to read / play with him etc because I will have to sort out the bb, that has stopped the purposeful noises.

I just think that communication is key and asking him for cuddles etc rather than just giving him them when he initiates it.

It is a hard balance, especially as DS1 just wants me all the time rather than Dad. Maybe Dad could start a hobby or encourage boy things together like washing the car? Cooking? Gardening? Playing football? Anything to encourage his relationship to be closer again and so he won't be as clingy. I think at 4 though he is still a baby really himself so take it in your stride. At least he hasn't abandoned you for bringing a new bb into the house!

It's trial and error really. Good Luck though!