I really need help - 5 year old so angry and disrespectful (long - sorry)

[bonfirequeen]

My DS who is 5 is becoming increasingly impossible to manage and it is causing tension with my parents and DH and my other LO.

He is just the sweetest child very often. Very funny, sharing, bright and kind. But he is also sometimes an angry, aggressive, disrespectful little monster.

He behaves impeccably at school (teachers say so) and although 'lively' he is not aggressive or unkind to other children though he likes rough games (mainly focussed on sword fighting). With adults in shops, friends' parents etc he is very polite.

But in our personal life he is becoming impossible to handle. He totally ignores his dad; he won't do anything he tells him, won't be disciplined, won't have his teeth brushed, won't do his reading, won't do anything he doesn't fancy in fact - instead he shouts and screams 'I hate you', 'I want a new daddy' etc. He often hits out or throws things - real mega tantrums. DH is a very kind man and I know this really hurts him.

He behaves similarly to my parents and they think he needs a good smack (which we don't give him but they have on occasion)! He just about does what I tell him and is very, very devoted to me. But even with me he sometimes goes bananas.

We all walk on eggshells trying not to provoke, so he gets a much easier time that his older brother - who is extremely polite and well mannered and does what he's told.

He is always sorry afterwards and it always ends in tears. But he is too proud and stubborn to ever apologise. His latest refrain at the end of his latest meltdown is that we all hate him - which he knows is utter nonsense. I am genuinely wondering if I need to go visit a doctor for some advice.

Can anyone tell me where to start?

I agree with ExoticFruits too and the bigger involvement of his father with individual attention for him, especially in horseplay. No more of the eggshells.

You need to try not to baby him too much by doing things for him that he could be responsible for himself; look at aspects of his life such as picking out clothes for himself, tying laces, buttoning shirts, hanging up jackets and keeping track of shoes, and also washing his own hair in the bath or shower, and see where you can give a little freedom. A little autonomy in areas where it doesn't hurt might help him see himself as less dependent on you, more competent and confident.

Let him gradually become 'one of the boys' and also more of a help to you in the house and garden. He should be encouraged to see himself as a 'big boy' through such chores as helping set the table daily, carrying in grocery bags, etc. Boys really like to see themselves as part of a team and this can be accomplished just as easily in a home as in a sports context. You can give him high fives as an encouraging gesture to make it fun, but don't go ott. Hugs and time spent together quietly reading or chatting are really important too.

What is waking him do you think? Any allergies?

DD1 got very stroppy at around 5-6 but it passed. I think the strain of staying in school, well behaved and concentrating all day showed in a bit of steam releasing when she got home but frankly, no excuse for a snotty attitude, eye-rolling, and saying 'well duhhhhh' to me in response to a conversation starter. Removal of TV privileges and dessert made a difference.

I also probed in what I hoped was not an obvious way (and asked the teacher too) for issues in school, in the lunchroom or the playground and found none.

Can you bribe him to stay in his bed? I would really try to solve this if I were you, he must be sleep deprived waking every night.

You can have a reasonable conversation with him about it when you are both calm and relaxed. As he is 5 he can understand the basics of it "you need to sleep better so that your body and brain can rest, then you will have more energy and find it easier to behave well and enjoy school and home time."

A book I used was from Millponds sleep clinic "teach your child to sleep. I used it mostly when they were babies and toddlers but it talks about children up to 8 I think. A lot of the night waking stuff is habits that children have got into. Apologies if I am teaching you to suck eggs etc etc- I just believe very firmly in behaviour and sleep links!