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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Is a "quiet" 3 yr old a "bad" thing????

23 replies

Mandymoo · 13/12/2005 20:42

After dropping my 3yr old dd off at pre-school yesterday, I asked one of the workers how my dd was settling in as she's only been going since October. The lady screwed up her nose and said "Well, ok, she is quiet" - like it was a bad thing or something!! I asked if she joins in with the group activities and again the lady screwed up her nose and said "sometimes she does, sometimes she doesnt" - i kind of got the impression that because dd was "quiet" that they frowned upon it and looked upon it as a negative quality. It acutally irritated me a bit - if she was running around causing havock and being a complete brat i'm sure they would have been happy - please tell me that being quiet is not a bad thing!

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myturn · 13/12/2005 20:46

If mine are quiet it's usually because they are up to something somewhere....

Quiet is good imo. If she chooses to join in sometimes, as the worker has said, then I don't think there is any problem. It just shows she is able to entertain herself, which is something a lot of children seem unable to do.

Original poster

Mandymoo · 13/12/2005 20:48

It just came across that because she was quiet and didnt always join in, that they werent really interested iyswim - maybe i'm being too precious??!

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bsg · 13/12/2005 20:49

My ds is very quiet. It took him a year at school before he would do PE. His teacher is fantastic though and gives him a lot of attention, more than some of the other kids I think. He is ok now but I personally think he still receives extra attention. My dd is in the school now and she is quite the opposite which I think helped. I wouldnt worry. I would rather my ds be quiet than really boustrous (sp).

spruceylucy5 · 13/12/2005 20:50

My dd was and is quiet and at her nursery she wasnt encouraged and became more introverted. I actually moved her, we had the added complication that we were in Spain. Anyway at her new school which is international, her new teacher has let her take her time. She described her as a slow burner. She has now settled well and has made friends and has come out of her shell. you can see her daily becoming more and more confident. At the last prents evening it was like hearing about a different child. she is still quiet but she is confident Her teacher said that the important thing is she is now getting picked for things, i nearly kissed her. Anyway what i am trying to say is, dont worry, there is nothing wrong with being quiet. Hopefully the other nursery workers are more positive, she sounds like a silly cow!

myturn · 13/12/2005 20:52

See what you mean. Perhaps you should have a word with someone at the school if you are atall worried about the reaction. How long has dd been going?

Original poster

Mandymoo · 13/12/2005 20:54

tbh i've had my reservations about this pre school right from the start but DD has made a couple of friends and i didnt want to mess her around by moving her around all the time - i just didnt feel very confident that she'll get as much attention as the more "outgoing" children - i will see how it goes i think.

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Original poster

Mandymoo · 13/12/2005 20:54

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Original poster

Mandymoo · 13/12/2005 20:55

myturn - dd has been going since October.

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myturn · 13/12/2005 20:58

It's early days - it took my dd2 a long time to really settle in when she was at nursery. If your dd has made friends and seems settled then I would leave her for the time being. If you carry on feeling that she is not getting the attention that she rightly deserves you should definately have a word with the school.

Katemum · 13/12/2005 21:04

I keep typing things and deleting them tonight because they never read as i want them to!
Anyway, would be more worried that they saw my daughter negatively than the fact that she is quiet. Children are all different and should all be valued for their own character.

Original poster

Mandymoo · 13/12/2005 21:07

i'm not at all worried about dd being quiet - she is a lovely, polite, well behaved little girl who just isnt as outgoing as some other children. My concern IS that they seemed to view this as a negative. I felt like i ought to apologise for dd being quiet and well behaved! The way the lady screwed her nose up - i just wanted to twist it off her face!

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Katemum · 13/12/2005 21:10

That would be a start!
Alternatively maybe you could arrange a chat with dd's key worker to find out properly how she is settling in.

Original poster

Mandymoo · 13/12/2005 21:24

key worker? no such thing - another one of my reservations! Gonna have to have a think over the holidays!

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bourneville · 13/12/2005 21:29

When I started primary school (age 4) I sat under the table the whole time sucking my thumb for the 1st two terms - the teachers thought I should see a child psychiatrist but my parents never did!
So i personally don't think you've anything to worry about. My dd is generally quiet & good too, and shy, and I can't help worrying that she should be more outgoing & boisterous but, as someone said, every kid is different...

bourneville · 13/12/2005 21:32

Sorry, just caught up with your later post, that you're more concerned they see it as negative...

Maybe you just need to have a thick skin and ignore them, like my parents did. (Though in my case, without going into details, it might have been a good idea if they'd taken their advice! )

Original poster

Mandymoo · 13/12/2005 21:32

I really have no problem with dd being "quiet" - my problem is having a pre-school worker screwing up her face when i asked her how dd was settling in and looking as if she'd just eaten a wasp! I would much rather my dd was the way she is than running around like a maniac hyped up on jelly - i just really felt like i had to justify her being that way - maybe i'm just being too sensitive about the whole thing!

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Original poster

Mandymoo · 13/12/2005 21:33

bourneville - sorry - posts crossed!

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LIZS · 13/12/2005 21:35

is she very different out fo that environment ? If so I suspect that it isn't the right place for her althgouh you may want to give her longer to settle in.

ds was always quiet at preschool - well behaved, did what he was told but wouldn't participate in craft activities very willingly and was slow to do practical things liek dress for outside. His quietness in such situations has had disadvantages in that he didn't stick out in a group as being difficult or needing special attention, so his genuine difficulties in motor skills particularly, went unnoticed for several years.

Original poster

Mandymoo · 13/12/2005 21:37

She's more outgoing at home and in smaller groups but tbh she's been at her nursery for 2 yrs and is still very much someone who will stand on the outside of the group and look in rather than be right in the thick of everything - its just the way she is. The nursery have never made it sound like a negative quality whereas the preschool just doesnt do it for me.

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gracej · 13/12/2005 22:21

Mandymoo, I cannot tell you how upset I am at this lady (without even knowing her). People who work with children should know better! They should realise that not all children are extrovert and that every child needs to be encouraged whatever their personality. I think that our childhood experiences shape our confidence for ever, and if I thought for one minute that my child was not appreciated and encouraged enough then I would either talk to the people in charge or change nursery/school.

Hallgerda · 14/12/2005 09:35

No, being quiet is definitely not a bad thing. When my children were in nursery, I had a fair few negative reactions to their quietness. I was made to feel as if being a preschool child was a subject in itself, and mine were all complete failures at it. ds2 in particular had the end-of-nursery report from hell - no social skills, friends or anything. (It may have had something to do with him making the nursery review its procedures by reading something confidential over a teacher's shoulder - out lond. Probably very loud knowing ds2.) All the way through school (he's in Year 3 now), he's been a model student with no real problems. So, Mandymoo, you clearly have the right attitude. Take Bourneville's excellent advice and develop a thick skin (why can't we buy special cream for that - I see a commercial opportunity). Don't let it get to you - I'm sure your daughter will be fine.

daisiesinaline · 14/12/2005 10:24

Enjoy your quiet child I say!!!

Original poster

Mandymoo · 18/12/2005 16:30

Thanks for all your replies - due to various other issues at the preschool (see my thread under Nurseries) DD will not be going back there after xmas anyway. I'm mad with myself for keeping her there so long as it is!

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