I am retaliating towards my 3 and half ayear old.

[pamelat]

DD 3 years and 8 months. Always been a handful but the last 8 months have been a lot easier. Felt we had got somewhere

DS is 16 months, much easier. Easy baby, very active but happy toddler until recently.

In the last few weeks it seems to have fallen apart.

DS and DD both waking at night, occassionally.

I'm full of cold, they have had a cold.

DD has been awful. In the last week she has regressed to being like a 2 year old. Lying on floors, screaming/shouting/kicking and utterly out of control.

She is fine at nursery (2 days a week) and only like this with me if DS is around.

Until now I would say shes been very good with him. He has become more demanding emotionally and has gone from loving her in dedication to wanting me, and its become a bit of a fight for my attention (which DD wasn't previously that interested in)

DS naps 2 hours ecah lunch so DD and I have that time by ourselves. The problems start when we get him up, she just switches.

Today she has pushed him several times, taken things off him and said spiteful things to him. Hes starting to undestand more, so in turn he runs to me crying, which makes her hysterical (literally)

Today I feel guilty because she pushed it and pushed it and pushed it, I warned her calmly several times to leave him alone (everything he had she wanted, and there were some things (of his) that I wouldnt let her take off him). She grabbed them, he screamed. I asked her several times to give them back and she screamed "NO" in my face and pushed me (I was sitting) and I pushed her back she fell to the floor and then cried.

I feel awful and I know it wasnt a controlled reaction, not pleased with myself. I didnt even push hard but anyway she fell (on to carpet). She carried on with her defiance and shouting but I felt too guilty to do a lot else. She has gone to bed earlier than usual but I am worried at how angry she has made me this last week. I dont get cross with DS, hes a baby and not pushing the same buttons. I love her and need a calm solution to her behaviour please, time out doesnt work for her, she doesnt calm down.

You poor thing. I have had lots of problems with my DD after the birth of her little sister. (DD1 is very violent towards her). The only thing which has had any effect is praising the good and ignoring the bad. ( you need to say 8 good things for every one bad). If you think your DS is in danger, pick him up and move him, and you can leave your daughter behind to have her tantrum, while you go and distract your son from the toy he was nicely playing with.

It might be worth considering if there have been a lot of changes at nursery - have there been kids going to school/new kids coming in, as often happens at this time of year - it might just have been enough to throw her off her even keel without the staff noticing.

Good luck.

i think the key here is you saying you warned her several times. How many warnings does she need before a punishment? My daughter normally gets a warning first time she does something i dont like, then next time its the naughty corner for 2mins.
Although i think we all know you shouldnt have pushed her, sometimes you do it without thinking, she wasnt hurt, so i wouldnt worry too much.

pamelat a lot of your post is very much like my life! I have a 3.5 yo son and 18 month daughter. The bit you describe where things switch once your son wakes from his day time nap is a mirror of our situation. While my daughter naps I have extra special time with my son but even when I try to show equal attention to both once she's up, he switches to being a bit of a monster. I don't want to deny my daughter attention so try to split myself in half (no easy feat getting that balance right!).

I did try a different approach once which seemed to work. Just before I got my daughter up I talked to my son about how he often gets upset/angry once she's up. He said he didn't want her to get up etc.. but I talked him round (how well they can play together, what games we can do together) and he seemed much more accepting of her 'reappearance' iyswim. They actually get on really well most of the time but he will grab toys off her and push her and donk her on the head when he's angry. It can be so stressful and difficult and I really identify with your reaction as I have done similar, losing control, shouting and feeling utterly crap for not keeping calm like we're supposed to.

How do you instigate time out? Do you refer to it as that or as the naughty step?? I find asking him to sit down and calm down works well, in fact he seems to like the opportunity to have that space..when all else fails and they are at each other's throats, if possible, I bundle them out of the house to distract them both and eject them from the negative atmosphere..

Don't forget that what you said about you all being full of cold and what with the broken nights - these are significant factors in upsetting the apple cart so to speak. Try reminding yourself that things will get better.. your DD has shown she can be easy going - she'll get back to that place again.. it's just a rough ride to get there. I feel like we go through long phases where things are difficult then it gets easier for a bit and then it changes again. I've given up thinking we've turned a corner and such and such won't happen again - such a cliché but life with kids is like trying to balance on a see-saw.....