She seems so unhappy.(quite long!)

[misshoney]

I have a lovely nearly 5 year old DD who has recently started reception and says she "loves school" and I believe her. However she seems really ill at ease - within herself. Her behaviour lacks spontaneity and her mood seems to veer between being low and "dull" - not being able to motivate herself - or being really really silly and annoying, which to me seems like a massive effort on her part to appear cheerful.
When friends come round to play, she doesn't know what to do with them, or she just acts really immaturely. With me she is surly and aggressive or unresponsive. Her control freakery is record breaking. Her face is tense, her shoulders are hunched - it feels like she has all the cares of the world on her shoulders, yet she is a tiny girl.

I can't identify any obvious cause of this, apart from my own parenting. I am very sad about seeing her like this, and I wish I could help her. I feel I have compounded it by being critical of her "silly" behaviour.

Any advice, please?

Poor little girl. Might she be finding school very tiring? DS was in reception last year and in the autumn term, by the time he got home, he could barely cope with tea and a bath. The exhaustion plus the new demands of school, coping with the playground, making friends etc made him extremely grumpy. DD's nursery teacher was saying this morning how tired her four-year-olds are.
Does she have half term coming up, and could you maybe plan a very relaxed, unstructured time at home?

Misshoney - she sounds like a lovely girl, who is just very very tired, and adapting to a new routine. My ds2 is nearly 4.5 and is now doing full days in reception ... Like your dd he is loving school, doing extremely well, and generally thriving. BUT he is being monstrous at home, sometimes confrontational, grumpy, often silly. I am just putting it down to the fact that he is coping with a HUGE change in his life. At school he has very little freedom, and generally has to conform all the time, but as well has to be very independent and self-reliant too. (The school is fantastic btw - no complaints there!) He is also shattered after school - ds1 was like this too.

So no quick solutions I'm afraid. Sometimes I resent a bit the fact that school is having his best hours every day, and I'm having his worst - but that's life I guess.

I try and make sure they have my undivided attention after school, and try and get them to do something low-key and relaxing ... playdough, videos, etc. We never have friends to play after school - ds1 is 6 already, but he is still too tired after a day of socialising at school - he needs his own space. Not all children are like this, but I figure there's plenty of time for having friends to play in the holidays and at weekends.

Thanks both of you. She is tired, it's true. I guess it could be as simple as that rather than having a deep psychological reason. (thick mother or what.) I'll see what happens after 1/2 term and take it from there. Not quite going to call the CMHT yet then.

Agree wholeheartedly with the responses so far. DD is 6, in yr 2 and just beginning to settle down and cope with all that school asks of her. She too loves it but does get grumpy when she's tired, particularly now as we're heading to half term.
I know one thing my daughter found particularly hard was playground politics, the "you're not my friend" etc. Even if it wasn't aimed at her, she still found it very confusing that people would say that for no reason (thats little girls for you!). She can be quite sensitive and just didn't get it.
We also found early on in reception class theres a lot of pressure to make friends, to fit in and friendships changing, as people found their niche. Now the groups of friendships are well established and all seems hunky dory. Its taken a while but she really is our lovely happy girl again.
Don't worry that she'll be like this until y2! there are loads of good bits a long the way, all I'm saying is the ups and downs take a while to settle. At home she can just be herself, push the boundaries and knows that whatever she does you'll still love her. At school she is being on her best behaviour all the time as she wants to be a good girl. She just needs to chill out at home I think.

Sorry that doesn't sound too clear does it? I hope you get what I'm trying to say.

just mentioned this thread to dh and he reminded me of something. When dd was in reception he remembers me in floods of tears one evening when dd was just like you describe yours. I really thought that school had robbed us of our happy, smiley, confident little girl. I wondered what on earth had happened to make her change so much and seriously considered removing her from school and home educating her as I couldn't bare to see her like that. Anyway it did get better, just took a bit of time and a lot of love and empathy at home.
I'd quite forgotten how wretched we all felt at the time.