Pulled up by another mother over my sons behaviour. Twice.

[TheSherbetTurbot]

Am a little perplexed by this one and wanted another perspective on it if you please, feel free to be as harsh on me as you feel is necessary.

Recently become friendly with a mother from DS preschool, and her son. They play together nicely in general, the odd spat over sharing, the usual stuff that 4 year olds do.

Anyway, after a party at their house I was told by this mother that my DS had scratched and hit an older child while they were all playing. I was sitting watching and at no time did this child come running over and complain my child had hurt him. However.. I decided to give that child the benefit of the doubt and questioned my DS about it, telling him under NO uncertain terms that violence was unnaceptable.

Last week DS and his friend were together again and watching a DVD whilst me and his mother chatted. I am unaware of what happened but my DS hit hers. Immediately I spoke to DS, and told him his behaviour was unnaceptable, in the strongest of terms.

So.. Today, I sent a message to my friend, asking if her and Her DS would like to do something tomorrow and was told, yes, but only on the understanding that I spoke to my DS YET again about his behaviour as her son was still upset 3 days later.

She saw how angry I was regarding my sons behavior at the time it happened, and she witnessed me telling him how unacceptable it was. I now feel like the worst parent in the world that another mother has pulled me up on my DS behaviour, not once, but twice now. I know that my ds is no angel, as are lots of boys of their age, but what I want to knows... Am I being oversensitive or is she being overprotective. Tell me what you all think please.

Both of the boys are4, yes? And your son hit her son.

Apart from being told it was unacceptable, what was your son's consequence for violence?

I would arrange to meet at their house and then say clearly to your son when you arrive that if he hurts the other child you will go home immediately.

If it has happened a couple if times then there should be a consequence.

Did your DS apologise to her DS?

Perhaps before you go, you could remind him he needs to play nicely, and ask him to apologise to her DS when you get there? (as he is still upset)

I think it was a bit forward of her to essentially demand you talk to him again, she could have broached it in a better way, but if her son really is still upset then it's fair enough that she talk to you about it.

I don't think you should feel horrible about it though. You are not the worst parent in the world! Kids are trying sometimes.

At 4 he is still trying to make sense of the world he doesnt understand that hitting that boy will always be naughty -he doesnt get actions and consequences and he needs guiding to what is appropriate/acceotable behaviour,reminding him all the time 'be nice' 'harry is your friend' etc etc,he might need help to understand sharing or even learning to play together.

Violence and aggression is so easily seen in all aspects of life it is little wonder these small children display it - it is only a phase and it will pass and you can help it by avoiding him becoming over tired letting him work off some enerhy encouraging friendly play and intervening as quickly as possible- it does mean your coffee gets cold and you dont get to catch up with your friend as much as youd like but its a life lesson for your ds .

Perhaps finding other friends where your ds may play a little rougher might be an idea.

As a nursery nurse I never thought Id encourage rough play but as a mum of 3 boys some boys just play that way and are more 'up for it' than others.

Rest assured it will pass though.

I would never be as direct as your friend. However I would make excuses and not see you. So whilst I wonder if she is overreacting, at least you know what the problem is and can do something about it. Whether you do what she suggests is up to you.

DS apologized for his behaviour. Have had problems with another child doing similar to DS at preschool, but it appears upon questioning DS that it was actually bullying. Horrifyingly DS was covering up and making excuses for this child and I just could not get to the bottom of it, and preschool were being distinctly cagey. Since leaving preschool, a lot has come out about what happened, and I am worried that my son is going to become a bully too. Quite right about consequences of behaviour, as, I think the second poster said, have done warnings in the past about behaviours not acceptable but am going to have to be stronger and remove him from the situation. Still furious at the way she handled it though.

Your friend is overreacting massively and should get a grip. She's doing her son no favours by being so precious.

Did her ds hit or do anything to your ds to provoke him?

I wonder die to having seen a friends ds hit my dd quite hard and then she hit him back - immediately he went running to his mum and told her my dd had hit him - not once did he say but I hit her first - but then at 4 and 5 what would I expect..?

She's basically saying that if he hits again he needs to be taken home. Fair enough really. Don't take it personally, grown ups should stick together when it comes to teaching children to behave. You probably would have reminded DS before you went out with the friend anyway, so why take it as a personal attack on your parenting? The friend may be whinging that they don't want your DS to play as he hits him so the Mum who is your friend and wants to see you, has probably promised it won't happen again so needs you to back her promise up.
She's being sensible, your son will soon stop hitting when he realises that you won't tolerate it.