Is it possible to have an arrogant child of only 5?

[WhoseGotMyEyebrows]

My DD is only 5 but has always been difficult. She comes across as quite arrogant, thinks she knows the answer to everything, knows how I should be driving my car, which way we should walk down the road if we are going out even if she doesn't know where we are going. She asks questions and tells us we are wrong (just says "no!") when we tell her the answer. She is like this with her sibling as well. It's hard to handle her frankly as it's exhausting. She is also controlling and very contrary!

This is not a stage! She has been like this since birth and for that reason I don't expect that she's going to grow out of it!

I think deep down she is insecure. She finds it hard to deal with things not panning out how she expected.

Any one else have one like this?

Well, just went for a walk down to the shop. Had a conversation before we went about how we could only take one bike which they would have to take turns on as otherwise I would end up having to carry both bikes back along with the shopping which would be too much for me. SOOO many times I said this! Each time I asked them if they had chosen which bike to take she would say "well I'll take this one and xxx take that one". Over and over again. In the end I shouted at her. It was like she got so obsessed with taking one each that even after I had told her that wouldn't be happening she wasn't hearing me. It didn't match up to what she expected to happen.

We bought giant choc buttons in the shop in one of those share bags and my DD wanted them straight away. I explained that she would have to wait until we got home. I wasn't being mean, just that they were a share bag so I would have to dish them out as and when, otherwise they would melt in their hands. As I was carrying shopping and pushing the bike I couldn't keep stopping to dish out buttons. So I explained this, she said "ok". 2 mins later said "ooh can I have the buttons", I explained again, a few mins later asked again, then again. Got to the front door, I'm holding shopping and trying to find the house keys while stopping the bike from rolling off down the road and she says "can I have the buttons now". I said to her "look at what I am doing . . . what do you think". She seems to get so focused on what she wants that she can see nothing else.

She's a clever girl. I used to think she just didn't understand but then realised that her understanding just gets squashed down by whatever it is she wants.

Op I didnt mean to say that you dont praise, thats not what I meant, sorry if sounded that way . It is just that its something I find myself its always so easy to get wrapped up the negatives and a change of tone etc makes me feel like Im achiving in a way, I sometimes get fed up with the sound of my own voice, if you know what I mean and so need a change of responce.

i think its just her personality and thats it, we are all a mixture of nice and not so nice traits, cant you dwell on any nice ones she has?

shes very young and am sure she will understand as she gets older that to keep her friends, and to be popular, she needs to hold back a little. pehaps she a tad immature socially, asyou say shes bright so you cant have it all.

however you are right to not tolerate rudeness or arrogance and make her tow the line.

think positivley, her strong will may be a god send in the teen years, the sweet and docile toddlers may be the sheep like teens who take temptations to tragic concequences.

Do you or DP back down often? The situation with the buttons could be her pushing for a result in her favour, if you sometimes give in after 3rd or 4th request she will learn to ask 3 or 4 times...

My dd is like this and is also 5. She is small for her age and learned at nursery that she had to be loud and ask questions a lot to be heard. Older kids had a habit of picking her up or talking to her like she was a baby so she kicks off very quickly too!

festi Absolutely! I get sick of my voice too! I am very positive with her but the difficult side of her is incredibly draining.

thebody In a lot of ways she is very social. She loves other kids and having friends and wants to see them more then I can manage usually. I fee that it's a very learned thing with her. For eg. I remember her wanting to talk to other kids but not knowing how, so I told her to go up and say "hello my name is xxx" and that is exacly what she still does. Not sure how usual that is. I do think it's great that she is assertive, it will be good for her later I imagine. I can't see her taking any shit!

CaptainKirksNipples No we don't back down! I do very occassionally realise I've made a decision hastily and I will tell her so and explain why etc. But I don't back down just because she's going on about it. I think it was something we were very strict about as we both thought that if we ever backed down (even if we were wrong) she would never take us seriously again. I have actually had to relax it a bit and teach my DH how to as I felt we were being over the top about it. We don't have to "win" all the time, just be reasonable.

My DD had problems with attitude and arrogance last year and someone said to me I know its hard to hear but they pick up on everything you do and say and learn from that. My friend gave me a book called "How to behave so your child does" something like that and it really helped. It made me look at how I was around her and how everything was negative that I said etc. She has improved alot but shes almost 7 now so we still have a little bit of the know it all attitude.

Well today we went out and had another example of the "think she knows the answer/knows best/doesn't believe us thing".

We went to the beach and when we got back to the car she wanted a wet towel and that was all soggy and had sand covered stuff wrapped up inside so we had put it in the boot. I explained that it was soggy so she couldn't have it in the car (wanted it on her lap like a blanket).

She asked again and we said no it's too wet and sandy so she said "but can I see?" I just want to see it" . . .

This is a really, really common thing. She just doesn't believe us when we tell her this stuff, she HAS to see it for herself. Its really frustrating having a child who believes nothing you say and will not take our word for it.

If she asks a question and we tell her the answer she quite often just says "no". Why ask?!

We didn't give in by the way.

Realised that I haven't said on this thread how amazing my little girl is. She is so smart and creative and very, very lovely. She's amazingly good at drawing and has an imagination that blows my mind.

Everything has sounded so negative but really I just want us to have a great relationship, yet I find it so tricky to get it right. Her little brother is much more laid back and easier definately . . . and of course equally gorgeous!

Whose it doesnt sound negative at all, you have asked for ideas about this particular aspect, of course this is not the only characteristic that makes up your dd. dont feel guitly about seeking advice and other peoples experiences. You are a great mother with a great children that is very obviouse from your posts.

Is there any particular reason why she couldn't look at the soggy towel?

It sounds like that discussion went on longer than necessary because she was adamant she wanted to see and you were adamant that she couldn't. It might have been quicker and clearer to just say "yes, have a look". That way she would see that what you were saying was true (and just maybe, with many repeated examples, she will start to trust your answers).

Or would she just have found something else to argue about?

TBH having read your thread it sounds as though you are as likely to dig your heels in as your DD and DH - which I fully understand because it can be so frustrating that nobody actually seems to stop and listen (voice of bitter experience ).

festi aaaah thanks festi! That really made me smile.

piprabbit We used to just let her see whatever it was. Often it would be checking the cupboard/freezer for the food she wanted as she wouldn't believe me if I said we had run out. It could be absolutely anything but the thing is that is gets ridiculous. She wants to double check all the time and we got fed up of going through it all the time. Getting stuff out we've just put away or whatever. I don't know if we did the right thing at all but it didn't seem right to keep pandering to it. It was getting ridiculous. Now we just tell her that she has to take our word for it.

I have a DD exactly like this. In fact it's amazing how many of your comments are the same as I could make.

I've never considered her arrogant though, just supremely bossy, somewhat argumentative and always wanting the last word. Always. I see it as a form of attempting to control a world where a child has little control.

She's nearly 10 now. Surprised she's made it this far tbh...

School will sort out many of her quirks. Be prepared for quite a few "bad days" though when she has had run-ins with school friends - there will be many and it will hurt, but it's necessary and you'll both come through it. Teach her how to behave with others, or at least try It won't all be plain sailing and you'll have to keep reinforcing all sorts of things.

As for now, pick your battles. Work out what is important and stick to your guns.

Enjoy your feisty girl! Be happy that she will grow up to stand up for herself and be strong.

My dd is 9 and is still like this.Corrects me if i dare to sing the wrong words to a song,comments on my body-put a stop to that a bit sharpish-i put it down to being on my own with her untill she was 5,we went on holidays and out to dinner together,maybe boundaries were blurred.
I remember nursery telling me that they had told her off and she out her hands on her hips and said "how dare you speak to me like that"
Also when dh put her on the naughty step one day she said "you are squeezing my arm,you do not squeeze a small childs arm!"
She is very very kid tho,brilliant with babies and spends hours with my very senile grandma,just coping with the repetitive questions and wierdness,it shows her good side to a tee.

mummc2 oh dear you are right,i am abit moany and full of my own self injustices,i will try to be more positive.
I also have problems with her relationships at school. She is very intense with her friendships and very very upset if its not all going to plan.

It's more likely to be anxiety than arrogance that makes your dd behave the way she does - when you are anxious about something, it is normal to become controlling, because you are scared of your world spiralling out of control. My ds1 is very much like this, or was from ages 0-6. Now he is 7, he seems to have developed a better understanding of his own behaviour and knows that if he gives his anxiety a chance to calm down, he can react in the way people generally expect, rather than in a knee-jerk, closed-minded, unreasonable sort of way! Having a best friend and feeling settled at school and therefore having better self esteem have helped hugely, too. So, perhaps if you view your dd's behaviour as anxiety-driven, and think how horrible it must be for the silliest little things to provoke a sense of panic, it will help you tolerate her behaviour for a bit longer, whilst she grows up and gains the maturity to understand it as anxiety herself? I wish in retrospect I'd been more understanding of my ds1's behaviour, now I understand its primary cause.

rabbitstew You may well be right about the anxiety. She actually has good reason to be. I went through a terrible trauma before she was born and was mentally ill for the first few years of her life. I was actually ill while I was pregnant with her as well suffering from an anxiety disorder. After she was born is was anxiety still, depression and constant panic attacks and anger outbursts due to the trauma. I don't see how that can't NOT have affected her. There was little I could do about it and I got all the help to get better as quickly as possible but it still took several years. During that time we had no help form anyone and the ILs actually made things harder for us rather then helping out while we were going through a difficult time. I will feel guilty about it forever.

Don't feel guilty about it. Guilt just increases anxiety, I've discovered... now I feel less guilty about ds1 and less paranoid I'm the cause of all his problems, I'm less anxious around him and he's less anxious, too. Frankly, self-blame for past actions is a waste of time in parenting - parenting is a learning experience. So what if you got it wrong earlier on, if you've had the brilliance to learn from your experience and move on? You're a much better person now for having gone through what you did and survived it than you were before it happened - you can pass that strength on to your dd, instead of the guilt, and help her understand that life has its ups and downs and you can survive them all. That's something worth living up to and passing on.

Whose - I think the 'spectrum' question is one well worth looking into. Either she is and you can get some help/understand it a bit more/know she's not just being a pain in the bum OR it will rule it out.

I also think that you are over explaining things to her, making her feel like she has the right to an answer everytime or to have things her way. With things like the buttons - she asked the first time, you explained why she couldn't have them, the second time you explained again. I wouldn't have. I would have said 'I have told you no - if you ask again you will not get any buttons'. If she asked again I would ignore her and when we got home I would have given some to her brother and not to her. She knows the rules/answers - stop wearing yourself out explaining things to her that she already knows.

Things like the pool - don't say things like 'let's' it implies some level of choice. You simply say 'X we are going to the pool now' - if she says 'No' simply say to her 'I am telling you, not asking you. Move NOW'.

Find your 'tone of voice' and use it.

Clearly you are still feeling guilty about things and over compensate with her. You need to realise that you did your best at the time and it does not give her the right to rule the roost and make all of your lives miserable.

rabbitstew I know I shouldn't feel guilty about it but it's hard not to sometimes.

ChippingIn Yeah I know I do that "lets" thing. I used to be even worse and say "shall we" and had to train myself out of it. I haven't done it for a long time now though (couple of years maybe).

My DH sometimes slips up and says things like "DD what would you like for dinner?" which of course completely gives her the choice for the whole family meal! I pick him up on it every time so it's rare now. He should of course chose what to make for dinner himself, or if he wants to let her chose one day let her have 2 choices rather then giving her all the options in the world! Especially when all we have in is fish fingers FFS!

Think that partly comes from the fact that she used to have an eating problem (in that she didn't) so he is always keen to make something she will eat.

You are completely right that I need to be more assertive in those ways though. I don't even realise I am doing it sometimes.

She is one of those children that never lets up. She will ask for something and I will say "once I've finished the washing up" and she will immediately ask again and again so it's hard to not explain again. Will keep an eye on that.

I'm thinking of waiting until she has settled into her new class and until her new teacher has got to know her and then maybe talking to her about it, see what she thinks. I think everyone I know and who knows her will think I am being ridiculous to consider an assessment. Mostly I suppose because kids save this sort of behaviour for their parents!

I have a rule, where if my dc have asked for something (like the buttons), and I can't do it straight away, they get told when I can do it. If they ask again, they get warned that I have told them when I will do it, and if they ask again, then they won't get the thing they are asking for at all. And I stick to it.

LeninGrad I've looked for that book on Amazon but can't find it. It sounds good.

What's "wishes of fantasy"?