4 yr old DD being rude and disobedient since starting school

[gingerbabe]

DD1 has really started excelling in her disrespect of me since she started school. I think the reason for it is that she is probalby quite quiet and good at school so wants to let rip when she is out of school, but she always tends to be naughty, ignore me and generally play up when we are with other people. Her favourite is when we are walking home from school (I know she's tired, but I am not adding to the traffic problems by driving so she won't beat me on that) - she waits at the traffic lights but puts one foot in the road even though she is aware of how dangerous traffic is, she runs off even when I ask or tell her not to run too far ahead (very busy as I'm sure you can imagine at 3.30). When we are round friend's houses or they are round ours she is constantly playing up, being disobedient, screaming and...well you get the idea. I am at my wits end. I have tried the Supernanny 'time out room' but it just ended up with so much screaming and her not staying in the room that I gave up (Jo Jo would probably be shaking her head at me). I need to be stronger and more consistent in my discipline, but when I see friends of hers who are so well behaved I despair at my little horror.

Any suggestions of things that have worked?

take some reins to school and threaten to use them if she cant stay by your side voluntarily. She will be mortified - or suggest a pushchair

So glad it's not just us! dd has been a bit better of late. Not sure it is because of anything I've done, but just in case it is...
I shut her in whichever room she's creating in and tell her not to come back until she's prepared to be nice. If she comes out and wanders around the house then I ignore her unless she tries to join back in with the rest of us in which case I send her away again. I then ply any visitors/her little brother with treats, very loudly, so she can hear what fun they are having. She has to apologise nicely before she's allowed to join in again.
Have instigated a version of the famous mumsnet pasta jar: at teatime I put a piece of pasta in the jar for every 3 minutes, which is, of course 5 minutes, that she's nice (by predefined 'rules' eg sits down, uses her knife and fork properly etc etc). If there are 5 pieces in by the end of tea, then she can watch some TV before her bathtime. If there are less than 5 pieces then no TV. Pieces get taken out for really bad behaviour.
On the way to school one morning, I dragged her home and said that we weren't going out again till she behaved and that if we were late because of this then I'd take her to the teacher/headmistress and make her explain why she was late for school (ie she'd have to say that she threw a tantrum). She was back in line so fast that it was quite incredible!
Good luck
PS if you find a miracle cure would you let me know please?!

Well today had another spectacular display of ignoring me. DD ran off from me on the way out of school into the school car park!! So had to drag her all the way home, with her actually screaming (very embarrassing) but I am getting near the end of my tether. She was supposed to be going round a friend's house but stopped that, so now she is sitting alone in the lounge feeling sorry for herself. Am still waiting for her to apologise, but will probalby be waiting until Christmas before that happens. AARRGHH!

Also, isn't it always the way that when your child plays up you see the Mums on the way home who you know are going to bitch to each other and say 'did you see so and so's daughter screaming her head off?' Or am I just getting paranoid?

No, they won't be bitching, they'll be thinking thank god it's not my child playing up.

How was she before school? Is this a major change in behaviour or has she always been er... exhuberent ?

I'm having similar problems with ds1 (4 in Jan). He started nursery in Sep and was horrendous for a couple of weeks then settled down.

He is now back in horrendous mode, really being hostile and aggressive, shouting, saying horrible things (I don't like X at nursery, I'm going to burn her )said he made a Lego gun at nursery but the teacher told him not to. He now puts his fingers together and does mock shooting at me. I find this behaviour repugnant.

He torments his little brother, tells me off for shouting at him (which I never do) and he also runs away when I collect him.

Hopefully he'll be OK over the hols. I'm not sure if this behaviour is the influence of another child or if he is thinking these things up for himself.

DD is fine in the mornings. We walk to school quite happily playing guessing games or just chatting about what she is going to do that day. After school I know she is worn out and possibly hungry, but she's like a different child. She has, unfortunately, made friends with someone who to put it politely I'd rather she wasn't friends with, but apart from not inviting this girl round there's not much else I can do to prevent that.

Had a big chat with her this evening and told her Father Christmas is watching, but don't think that will cut much ice. I'm resolved to be firm on this one. Let's see how it goes tomorrow.

Also, I find this forum really helps, becasue although I have got to know quite a few Mums there are only a couple I can really admit my 'failures' as a Mum too. Everyone is so competitive aren't they? (But don't get me started on that!)