hailing sahm's o f toddlers

[notevenclosetoreadyforxmas]

My son is bored bored bored!!!! He is 14months old and has the associated short attention span. He goes to preschool 3 mornings a week. When we are at home I try to engage him in stories, playing with his toys, playing outside, singing, dancing you name it but he just loses interest after about 3 minutes and whinges and clings and clambers all over me until I pick him up and carry him around looking for something else we can do. I try to go for a walk at least once a day and we go visiting and to a music group occasionally. I try not to carry him around the house too much, he is crawling and while I have no problem with giving him cuddles and emotional support I find it too tiring to constantly carry him not to mention that neither one of us get anything done. Suggestions welcome.

Um, does he enjoy pre-school? Maybe he is experiencing separation anxiety and wants to hold on to you when you are around. It's pretty usual for that age.
Sometimes less is more. Try to get him used to being comfortable on his own with his toys and a little less attention from you.

Sounds pretty normal to me - and can relate to your frustration at getting nothing done and being tired from the constant carrying.
When DD1 went through this phase I was pregnant with DD2 and was told to stop lifting her as much as I could. This was very hard but over a few weeks of insisting she can hold my hand and obv pushchair when out, she slowly got better. For DD2 I have been a bit more careful with the constant carrying and trying not to use it as a quick fix - stops the crying and wailing for a minute but is setting up a bad habit. I learnt the hard way alright and not for a minute being smug about doing it better with DD2
I agree with eldestchild. I would tread lightly as separation anxiety is a real issue with little ones and so would focus on helping him become happier playing independently. Try setting a rough time limit where you help him with a jigsaw, settle him down with some of his other toys and then sit on the sofa talking to him rather than down on the floor, talking and praising him when he stays ont he floor playing. Then next time try sitting a little further away and if he is ok with you not right next to him, try popping into the kitchen for minute time without him, talking all the time telling him you will be back in a moment..Hopefully a gradual build up to more independence will help him adjust and accept that you can?t be there doing everything with and for him every second. Equally, I would try to cut back on the picking up and carrying. Tell him that he can hold your hand etc but try to be as firm as you can stand - difficult I know.
Saying all that, 14 months is still very tiny - my DDs went through this phase at around this time, grew out of it and then we had a second phase at around 2yrs - terrible twos...never ending this parenting challenge thing

have you tried leaving him alone for a while?

try giving him something like a plastic bowl, a wooden spoon, maybe some keys .. stuff with different textures anyway and go sit on the couch and have a coffee and just ignore him for a while

do you mean playgroup or nursery? pre-school in UK doesn't start till 3 at the earliest

Does he enjoy nursery? The reason I ask is that DS1 was very similar to this and he went to nursery from about 8 months - just a few hours a week so I could clean up and get some work done etc. It was upsetting as I seemed to have him hanging off my leg all of the time he was at home. Then I read Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph who says that boys shouldn't really be sent to nursery before the age of 3 if avoidable as they can suffer badly from separation anxiety. I'm sure this is down to the individual child but taking this on board I took DS1 out of nursery when he was 2 and kept him at home - the change was amazing. He became more independent and so much happier. DS2 is not going to go to playschool until he's almost 3 and he's an altogether different child. Who knows, maybe this sep anxiety thing is right or maybe they are just completely different personalities. Whichever I can't help feeling I let DS1 down. I know parents need a break - I certainly do, DS1 is 4 in Jan (started going to playgroup again just before he was3) and DS2 is 15 months and goes to play with grandma 2 hours or so a week so I can catch up on the ironing etc.

Could you maybe let him have a week off from nursery to see how he is then?

the suggestions you have had are great - all I wanted to add is that ds was very similar to this. Now he is older he is much better and plays on his own nicely. I think when they can walk and communicate better they settle down as alot of it is frustration. it will pass.
It is exhausting isnt it!!

DS seems very settled at preschool (here it is for children from 0-5 yrs old.) I wouldn't mind the fact that he needs my attention 24/7 so much it is the fact that I will sit down with him with his toys or his stories and he just pushes them away and grizzles to be cuddled and then starts saying "up, up" and wanting to be carried around. I have tried varying his toys, giving him playdough, paints, crayons, tupperware containers, pots and pans, playing outside, messy activities, songs and puppets, you name it, it lasts about a few minutes before he is grizzling again, I am finding it very warying and feeling like I just cant meet his needs. It is like when he was really little and you go through the checklist, lets see if he wants a drink, some food, this activity, cuddles, a sleep, a walk etc. I have tried leaving him to play for a while but he just crawls to where I am, I then try to engage him in what I am doing, eg if I am folding washing I give him some clothes and talk about them and play peek a boo with them etc but he just is relentless with the grizzling. I do sometimes say to him, mummy is going to finish doing this and you can sit beside me while I do it but you will need to wait until it is finished until I give you cuddles. I guess I just ride it out and keep doing what I am doing, encourage some time on his own and try to engage him in activities or one on one time the rest of the day. I have to say the day looms really long at the moment though.

I'm going to throw something out that some may not agree with.

I recently read a book called 'The Aware baby' some of which really annoyed me, however the author made a point that I have never considered before. She said that children feel safest with their parents and if they are feeling stressed etc they sometimes just need to cry as it is the main way they have of expressing themselves and as an outlet for their emotions. In this instance we should not try and distract the child from crying as we are teaching them that we don't want to hear them. Also if we suppress this need too often (i.e. with too frequent comfort feeding or overuse of a dummy) the need to express emotion can come out in more physical ways such as hitting, biting etc.

They are more likely to do this at home with their parents who they trust (Hence well behaved children with child minders who tend to cry and fret when they are with their parents).

She suggests that if you are sure there is nothing physically wrong (not hungry, thirsty, tired, bored, ill etc) that it can be helpful to just sit with your child (and depending on their age reassure with touch, cuddles or words) and allow them to cry for as long as they want to but always with you there providing your full attention.

I have occasionally tried this with ds when he is being really whiny for no discernable reason. i.e., he is just fed, watered, milked, woken from a nap etc and is winging with no amount of distraction working. You have to be pretty certain he is not ill which can be difficult to know. However when he is having a whiny week I have on occasion taken him to the doctor to be sure he is not ill as he is crying so much. If he is OK I just let him cry (always with me there).

It is much less stressful for me as I just surrender to the fact that he wants to cry and after a while he stops and either falls asleep or finishes crying and gets on happily playing again. He sometimes does this a couple of days in a row and then I find he is better for a while and less clingy.

The author suggests that the child just needs to be heard and paid attention to despite being angry or whatever they are feeling.

I think there are some (admittedly limited occasions) where this works and I was amazed that although it is difficult to hear ds crying it is far easier than the days of whining that tend to precede it.

Just a thought
Anna

annalucia I read something similar in a magazine - may have been taken from the book you mention - and it also made sense to me.

I think the philosophy is that children should be able to experience different emotions - boredom, anger etc - so that they learn how to handle them, and it is not the mother's job to try and make the child happy all the time.

I agree that thinking like this takes the pressure off the parents, but of course they should remain nearby and available.

annalucia - good points there. IMO children who do not yet have the benefit of a full vocabulary have only one way of expressing their true feelings and that's physically. If DS1 has been upset (it's obvious when he is) and he starts crying I just give him a cuddle and say it's ok to cry if you want to. I've never tried to stop him from crying. They are going through such a steep learning process and they feel everything with such force and they can't control or hide their feelings the way us grown ups can. They need to know that it's ok to feel sad it angry etc and that it's normal to do so.

Also if your kids play up for you alone it's a sure sign that you are a good mum. They feel safe, secure and so feel able to be themselves and express themselves fully.

God, I sound like a hippy!!