Any ideas how to handle this??

[thundercat]

My ds(5) has recently started saying if he doesn´t get his own way, or if I am cross with him "I am going to go and stand in the street and wait until a car comes and runs me over". Its really upsetting and I don´t know how to handle it. I split up with his dad a few months ago and although we are trying to keep things as normal as possible for him (very difficult), he is obviously angry right now. My main problem is that I just don´t know how to react when he says this.

my answer will probably be c**p as my ds is only 6 months, but on instinct I would not take it seriously at the time - it's much the same thing as 'I'm running away' at this age, I suppose - I would probably say, in a very matter-of-fact tone, 'well dear, that would make me very sad, so please don't', and then change the subject - but when the heat is out of the situation, e.g. you're playing nicely together, have a chat to him, maybe not directly about it, but just to help him make sense of the changes that are going on - and just generally try and give him as much love and reassurance as possible, which of course you do.

My dd hasn't been quite this extreme, but she did tell me the other week that she wanted a new mummy, so I offered to pack a bag for her, and she soon changed her mind! I can see that your situation is different though, in that it probably has something to do with your split with his dad.

I think I'd be inclined to make light of it: "Oh dear, squashed ds would make ever such a mess on the road, whatever would you want to do that for?", but at the same time try and make sure that he knows how important he is to you, that both you and your ex still love him, and that he can always talk to you about anything he needs to.

Thanks, good advice. I didn´t take it seriously at first tbh, but he says it at least once a day now and I think also it is to do with him becoming aware of death and things like that.

Oh you poor thing - my ds1 has said previously 'you don't love me anymore' when i've had to tell him not to fight with younger brother etc. so understand a little bit. sounds like self esteem? you are his whole world and he's testing you and reaching out at the same time. I would start with trying to get your strength back so you can be strong for him - being kind and gentle to yourself, so you can hold up a mirror to help him manage his own emotions. I would just hold him and tell him how much you love him and how proud you are of him and give him a few reassuring reasons why he is so special and important to you, Let him talk about how he feels, let him be angry then try and find away through it.try telling your ds thats what our tear ducts are for, if you feel sad/angry/upset you cry it away/talk it away/draw it away/write it away/walk it away/swim it away etc. maybe its giving him time to grieve for his old life but also giving him the tools to live in the present and start having fun again. could you try something spontaneous tomorrow?- walk in the woods/picnic/zoo/swim etc. recently read a book called 'the power of now' which i found amazing -its the best book i've ever read! really practical and you can apply it to yourself, your parenting and your son to give you the life you both so very much deserve xx

It´s his 5th bday party on sun. which although I am looking forward to, I am dreading at the same time as ex-dp will be there. Spoke to ds`s teacher recently and she said that ds had told that that he had seen mummy crying a lot which broke my heart. Teacher and me ended up in tears. When he sees me cry (and I do try not to) he always tries to get me to stop and says that he will phone dp, my mum etc. and "tell on me". He is really sweet though and says that I shouldn´t cry because he is still here. Feel terrible that he is propping me up atm.

Sounds like a good book Shrub, do you know where I can buy it?

its by eckhart tolle and i got mine on amazon.co.uk or you could try ebay. found it really good for changing the way i think.
re comment ''i shouldn't cry because he is still here' means he has got some good self esteem, i think he's trying to help you live in the present moment. i'm finding my children are my biggest motivation for wanting to be a better person so i don't pass down bad coping mechanisms to the next generation. he sounds like a real star. my children have and still are my best teachers (thought it was suppose to be the other way round!) read somewhere that the chinese symbol for the word 'crisis' is the same symbol for 'opportunity'. sounds like you need to get your strength back, is there anything that helps you to relax or is there anything you would like to do? i've recently started going to a meditation group and have found it so useful and a good laugh. is there something new you could try or maybe both try together?
heres hoping for a magical day for you and your ds on sunday x

Hope your having a better day today Thundercat - forgot to add if its his reactions to not getting own way or being cross there is a really good website about compassionate communication (also known as non-violent communication or nvc for short) it takes away a lot of the conflict and focuses on not what they can't do but what they can do. you take all threats/humiliation away from the vocabulary so it all becomes positive. for example 'don't spill your juice' would become 'hold the cup with both hands, I will try and find the link for you.

raise kids article or
parenting or another good one isstopping tantrums in seconds
they are all american websites but have found really helpful. there is a link to times ed article as they are now using nvc in uk schools so can't be that flakey!!
remember to have fun tomorrow - they are only 5 once